THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Mystical Hangover Jesus, the Mystic Doorway — Or Just the World’s First Consciousness Hacker? When the Gospel of John Stops Sounding Like Sunday School and Starts Reading Like a Cosmic TED Talk -    In Which “I Am the Bread of Life” Wasn’t About Dinner, But a 1st-Century Psychedelic Experience in Divine Oneness By: Reverend Dr. Absurdus P. Paradox, D.D. (Doctor of Divine Inconsistencies & Part-Time Exorcist) Bishop Loophole Maximus, J.D./Ph.D. in Holy Contradictions and Scriptural Gymnastics Father Irony M. Sarcasmus, S.T.L. (Sacred Theology Licentiate — Specializing in Questions God Pretends Not to Hear) Archibald Quark, Senior Mystic Correspondent & Failed Synagogue Usher 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of:  Weird, True & Freaky.  Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it—then we’ll make t-shirts. When History Wore a Mask Forget the Sunday School version: John...

  🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Bureaucracy: 100% Trump threatens to fire federal workers permanently while Congress argues over health care like it’s the world’s worst group project. By: Professor Filibuster McRedtape , Senior Analyst of Dysfunction, Delays, and Deep State Drama 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… then all bets are off. Welcome to Shutdown Season It’s fall in Washington, which means three things: pumpkin spice lattes, campaign ads nobody asked for, and the looming threat of a US government shutdown. Once again, America’s political class has turned a routine budget vote into a hostage crisis starring federal workers, healthcare programs, and the world’s most unhinged presidential Twitter… sorry, Truth Social feed. This year, though, there’s a twist: President Donald J. Trump, back in the Oval Office for Round Two, has decided furloug...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Mayhem: 100% Forget solar panels, Greta just strapped herself to 47 boats and declared war on Israel’s patience. Vatican offered a Plan B, but she tossed it like a plastic straw. By: Admiral Snark von WTFberg, Senior Correspondent for Maritime Mischief and Climate Karaoke 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… then we’ll reconsider. Flotilla of Fools or Armada of Righteousness? It started like a TED Talk on water: Greta Thunberg, 500 activists, 47 vessels, and 300 tons of aid. The mission? Sail directly into Gaza’s naval blockade, because—why not—Europeans get bored once summer ends. Israel said: “Unload in Cyprus, the Vatican will deliver.” Greta said: “Nah, too convenient. Let’s risk an international incident instead.” Italy begged its citizens to stay home. Spain shrugged. The EU sighed. The Vatican offered to bless the bo...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: “Spreadsheet Diplomacy Meets Reality TV” “ETERNAL PEACE™ OR LIMITED-TIME OFFER?” — Trump’s Gaza Plan Comes With 21 Points, a Countdown Clock, and Free Hostages if You Act Now! Bibi praises it, Arab states endorse it, Hamas shrugs, and the world wonders if this is peace or just a 2005 rerun with extra cheese. By:   Dr. Spinach al-Fresco , Senior Analyst of Overcooked Peace Proposals Dr. Shlomo McSnarkowitz, Senior Fellow of Unrealistic Blueprints and Crisis Karaoke 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… then we’ll reconsider. Donald Trump stood at the White House podium next to Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his new 20-point peace plan for Gaza “potentially one of the great days ever in civilization.” Even by Trumpian standards of hyperbole, this was a moon-shot promise. But that’s the style of the current White House: ro...