THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Suspiciously Hanging Around Iran Just Executed Wi-Fi Access By: Mahdi Rope-Around | Senior Spy vs. Spy Correspondent & Falafel Conspiracy Enthusiast 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we’re legally forced to redefine satire as sedition. Tehran’s New Export: Executions & Exaggerations In the latest episode of Iran’s Got Treason! , the Islamic Republic hanged nuclear scientist Rouzbeh Vadi for allegedly leaking classified information to Israel’s Mossad.  His crime?  Sending sensitive data via crypto wallet and being friends with someone named “Alex” online. Seriously. “Alex.” This is like being executed for joining a suspicious Telegram group called "Atomic Goys Anonymous." Iran claims Vadi passed details about a fellow nuclear scientist—later obliterated during Israel’s June airstrikes—a...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Banned in Tehran, Backstage in Tel Aviv Iran Just Charged Itself With Treason and Blamed Israel For Knowing Too Much By: Golan N. Ditch | Senior Analyst, Unauthorized Memeologist 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we will consider a rebrand to "Wudhu, Treason & Fatwas." Iran’s Latest National Security Threat: A Tweet In the Islamic Republic of Iran—where WiFi signals are weaker than their central bank—nothing strikes fear into the hearts of aging clerics more than a well-timed tweet. This week, the Ayatollahs officially accused Hassan Younesi—lawyer, reformist, and unfortunate offspring of former intel boss Ali Younesi—of committing the unforgivable sin : sounding logical online. But not just that. He is also, allegedly, “supporting the Zionist regime” —a crime punishable by 1 to 99 years of soli...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Mayhem: 100% Fatwas, Fallout & Fallout Shelters By: Ayatollah W.T. Farcey, Supreme Leader of Satirical Analysis & Self-Appointed Fatwa Forensics Director 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… Qomageddon, Iran — In what can only be described as the world's most homicidal group project, over 2,000 Iranian clerics have jointly issued a hall pass to assassinate U.S. President Donald J. Trump. In a press release that doubles as a theological hit job and a fan letter to vengeance, the Qom seminary declared Trump’s blood and property “halal.” Yes, halal. Not just the chicken at your local kebab stand anymore. “Trump’s blood is now a spiritual smoothie,” one seminary student told The WTF Global Times , sipping saffron tea while highlighting passages from Ayatollahs for Dummies . But that’s not all. While half the clerics ...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Weaponized Bureaucracy UNRWA You Kidding Me? By: Dr. Venkman al-Faxsheet, Bureau Chief of Global Ironies & Exploding Acronyms 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of:   Weird, True & Freaky . Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... then we make exceptions. Opening Scene: Imagine a Netflix documentary titled “Refugees of Perpetuity: Season 75.” Now imagine that the cast includes literal terrorists , the production crew is UNRWA , and the series finale features U.S. lawsuits, mass casualties, and legal drama with a Donald Trump cameo . Congratulations. You're not hallucinating. This is 2025. And this is reality. Or as we call it... WTF? Plot Twist: The Refugee Agency That Refused to Graduate It began like most well-meaning bureaucratic nightmares — with good intentions, blue helmets, and an unlimited supply of acronyms. The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for ...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Mayhem: 100% Two-State Delusion: Iran Declares Jihad on Geography (Again) By: Dr. Pradeep JNA, Editor, Diplomat, Prophet of Satirical Doom 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... TEHRAN, QOM, AND WTF HEADQUARTERS — In a breaking announcement straight from the Twilight Zone of international relations, Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) has declared that any attempt to promote a two-state solution is, quote, “satanic.” Yes, folks, diplomacy is now officially the Devil’s work—alongside women’s hair, dancing, and voting without IRGC supervision. The Guards, commemorating the first anniversary of the now-vaporized Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh (who became a martyred meatball via Israeli precision), took a moment to inform the global community that they are not here for “two states.” They are here for “zero Israe...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Cloak, Dagger & Diplomatic Biryani When Tehran plays James Bond, dissidents disappear and journalists start sleeping in IKEA closets By: Imam Bond & Chutzpah Chatterjee | Senior Editors, Espionage, Satire & Sabotage 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless Khamenei starts subtweeting Mossad again. From Belgium to Birmingham, Tehran’s new travel package offers “one-way tickets to Evin Prison.” Add in Trump, TikTok terror alerts, and Israel’s disappearing embassies — and you’ve got a WTF stew only 2025 could cook. WHEN DIPLOMATIC PASSPORTS MEET DEATH SQUADS In what sounds like a rejected Jack Ryan episode, Iran has been accused by 14 countries — led by the United States under President Trump — of deploying hitmen, smugglers, and glorified Uber drivers to kidnap and kill exiled journalists, politicians, Jews, feminists, TikTok influencers, an...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: One rogue centrifuge away from a meltdown Iran Warns Israel of New ‘Geography of Retaliation’ As Mossad Steals Its USB Drives and Nuclear Lunch By : WTF Middle East Bureau, Tehran (but also Tel Aviv, because... Mossad) 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... or Rafael Grossi gets tried in absentia for Wi-Fi. Tehran—still dazed and confused from its 12-day nuclear-grade slap-fest with Israel—is back to its old routine: declaring victory, issuing death threats, and discovering more spyware in inspectors' socks than a John le Carré convention on mushrooms. Iran’s Revolutionary Guard spokesman Ali Mohammad Naeini stood before the press, eyes twitching with caffeine or cognitive warfare, and declared: “The battlefield will change! The response will be CRUSHING! Also, someone hacked my Telegram.” The Zionist entity—also known a...