THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

  📲 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Hieroglyphic Confusion & Monotheistic Mayhem Why Egypt forgot to tweet about the guy who allegedly turned their rivers to blood By: The Nomadic Editor-In-Chief of WTF Global Times **This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it in cuneiform. The Hieroglyphic Elephant in the Room Let’s begin with the biblical big bang: the Exodus . A mass slave rebellion, ten plagues, divine pyrotechnics, and a Pharaoh reduced to wet sandals. So why do Egyptian records — otherwise obsessed with bragging about brick production and bicep curls — forget to mention any of it? You’d think if your gods lost a wrestling match with a staff-wielding Hebrew wizard, someone would carve it into a wall. Instead, all we get is a single blink-and-you-miss-it reference to "Israel" on the Merneptah Stele , circa 1210 BCE. And even that was more of a subtweet: ...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Born in a Manger with Plot Holes The Greatest Story Ever Misaligned—Now With 200% More Census Fraud and Zero Eyewitnesses By: The Holy Editorial Board of WTF Global Times 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… or Herod starts fact-checking us. Amen. Or as the Egyptians said: Amun. Gospel Truth or Gospel Goof? Once upon a time in two different versions of Bethlehem—possibly in two different centuries—Jesus was born. That’s it. That’s the headline. The rest is what happens when two Greek-speaking ghostwriters with zero GPS access and competing Messiah marketing strategies decide to wing it for eternity. On one side, we have Matthew , the brooding theologian who channels his inner Moses and weaves a Jewish-themed thriller with Herod, foreign sorcerer-astronomers (the Magi), and an Egyptian exile subplot. On the other s...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Cosmic Cult Realness From Tiananmen to Trump Tower: How a Qigong Cult, a Russian Court, and a Dance Troupe Conquered the West By: Galactic Reporter, Lotus-Eyed Linda 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… in which case, all bets are off. INTRO: Once upon a time in Changchun, a man with supernatural powers, disco-level charisma, and a cosmic vision of truth, compassion, and forbearance introduced Falun Gong to a spiritually constipated China.  Thirty years later, it’s gotten banned in Beijing, headquartered in upstate New York, promoted Trump in 4K, and been accused of defeating communism one interpretive Shen Yun dance at a time. So why is Russia now imprisoning women for meditating?  Why are journalists, organ harvesters, and software developers all part of this one movement?  Why does every Fal...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Scandalously Sanctified How the Vatican Dug Up a Skeleton, Declared It Saint Peter, and Called It a Day By: The Tomb Raider of Truth 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Or unless Peter starts blogging from beneath the Basilica. Breaking Faith, One Relic at a Time Rome, 1968. While the rest of the world was busy doing LSD and faking the moon landing (allegedly), the Vatican was excavating something even more psychedelic— bones beneath St. Peter’s Basilica .  After decades of archaeological fumbling and papal sweating, the Church proclaimed:  “Voilà! We found Peter!” Never mind that there were no labels , no ID cards, and certainly no fisherman’s license. All they had was some graffiti that said “Petros eni” —Greek for “Peter is here.” It might as well have said “Kilroy was here.” But when you’re the Catho...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Lifted like the Lord Himself — if you believe the sequel If the Ascension Really Happened, Why Didn’t Anyone Bother to Mention It for 40 Years? By: Apostle T. Doubtington, Chief Gospel Skeptic and Cloud-Watching Analyst 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it from the clouds mid-Ascension. Holy Smoke or Just Hot Air? Ladies, gentlemen, and Messianic meme enthusiasts, welcome to the greatest disappearing act in religious history:  The Ascension of Jesus Christ™.   An event so miraculous, so monumental, so... forgotten , that three out of four Gospel writers skipped it entirely. That’s right. According to modern defenders, the Ascension is real, historical, sacred — and totally missing from Mark , Matthew , and John . Even Paul , the man who would write an epistle to a salad if it meant more converts, forgot to ...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Flat as Biblical Geography When Theology Meets Topography and Nobody Brings a Compass By: Brother Isaiah Q. Cartographer, Staff Minister of Misinterpretation 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it from the four corners of the firmament. Welcome to the Iron Age Planetarium Step aside, NASA. You may have a billion-dollar budget, but you’ll never match the theological authority of a barefoot shepherd from 700 B.C. armed with a papyrus scroll and absolutely no concept of planets . Yes, friends, we’re diving into the most spiritually geometrical debate of all time: Is the Bible secretly a Flat Earth manifesto? Or just the ancient Middle East’s answer to Google Earth — without the zoom? Let’s get one thing straight: Biblical Earth ≠ Planet Earth. In the same way that a “circle” ≠ “sphere” and “Genesis” ≠ “peer-reviewed jou...