THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Mahmoud Lost the Plot How to Lose Friends, Green Cards, and Moral Clarity in 60 Minutes or Less By: Mahmoud Al-Midterms, Adjunct Professor of Satirical Journalism, Gaza School of Victimhood Engineering 👁️‍🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. ACT ONE: “WE” HAD TO DO IT? SAYS WHO, BRO? When The New York Times gives you a mic, and your idea of intellectual analysis is: “We couldn’t avoid committing a massacre,” you’re either Mahmoud Khalil or a chatbot fed nothing but Reddit threads and Hamas manifestos for breakfast. Khalil, Columbia’s prodigal anti-Semite-in-residence, took a break from disrupting Jewish prayer vigils and went full Hamas apologist in an interview with Ezra Klein—who bravely nodded like this was all... intellectually stimulating. "We couldn’t avoid such a moment," Khalil said, lamenting that mu...

  📰 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Explosive (literally) When Journalism Forgets Who the Terrorist Is By: Daphne McCringe, Chief Correspondent for Credulous Weeping & Absurd Rewrites * This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then it’s all gloves off. In what might be the most misguided Pulitzer bid since CNN asked the Taliban for fashion tips, the Associated Press has published a full-length, soft-focus, tear-soaked elegy on Hezbollah members injured by Israel’s exploding pagers .  Titled something like "Hearts, Homes, and Hezbollah: The Tragedy of Terrorists with Burnt Thumbs," the piece attempts to paint rocket-firing militants as misunderstood boy scouts with beepers and bad luck. The article opens with a dramatic image of a Hezbollah "religious teacher" who, while passing on spiritual wisdom to other armed radicals, happened to be holding a pag...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Ceasefire Chess, Hostage Hugs & Strategic Hocus-Pocus Why a Ceasefire Isn’t a Surrender—It’s a Strategic Siesta By: Broch HaMazeltov, IDF Emotional Support Consultant | & Dr. Yasir Blufadi, Professor of Double Meanings at Geneva Institute of Loophole Studies 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... WTF? What if... just what if... Israel said “yes” to Hamas ? No, not in a kumbaya, peace-on-earth, UN-circle-of-ignorance way. But in a gotcha sort of way. Like: “Sure, we’ll take the ceasefire... and once the hostages are home, surprise—it’s war time again.” Welcome to a new doctrine: Strategic Hugging. Hug your enemy for 12 hours. Smile. Nod. Get your children back.  Then? Turn off the hugging, turn on the helicopters. This isn’t betrayal—it’s battlefield ballet. And guess what? Under the right legal spin and a few g...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Bombastic, Baffling & Bizarre Since 1948 Hamas Thanks Canada, UK, and France For Their Support—Sends Gift Basket of Explosives and Hypocrisy By: Fatah Morgana | Senior Correspondent for Terror Tourism & Western Diplomatic Masochism 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then it’s open season on acronyms. Diplomacy Goes Full Delusion: Hamas Credits Mass Murder for Statehood Vibes If you’ve ever seen someone commit arson, then ask the fire department to reward them with a beachfront property, congratulations: You understand the logic of the 2025 Western diplomatic brain fog. On Saturday, Ghazi Hamad , senior Hamas goblin and professional war criminal, told Al Jazeera—with a straight face no less—that Canada, the UK, and France’s plans to recognize a Palestinian state were thanks to the massacre Hamas orchestr...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Suspiciously Hanging Around Iran Just Executed Wi-Fi Access By: Mahdi Rope-Around | Senior Spy vs. Spy Correspondent & Falafel Conspiracy Enthusiast 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we’re legally forced to redefine satire as sedition. Tehran’s New Export: Executions & Exaggerations In the latest episode of Iran’s Got Treason! , the Islamic Republic hanged nuclear scientist Rouzbeh Vadi for allegedly leaking classified information to Israel’s Mossad.  His crime?  Sending sensitive data via crypto wallet and being friends with someone named “Alex” online. Seriously. “Alex.” This is like being executed for joining a suspicious Telegram group called "Atomic Goys Anonymous." Iran claims Vadi passed details about a fellow nuclear scientist—later obliterated during Israel’s June airstrikes—a...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Banned in Tehran, Backstage in Tel Aviv Iran Just Charged Itself With Treason and Blamed Israel For Knowing Too Much By: Golan N. Ditch | Senior Analyst, Unauthorized Memeologist 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we will consider a rebrand to "Wudhu, Treason & Fatwas." Iran’s Latest National Security Threat: A Tweet In the Islamic Republic of Iran—where WiFi signals are weaker than their central bank—nothing strikes fear into the hearts of aging clerics more than a well-timed tweet. This week, the Ayatollahs officially accused Hassan Younesi—lawyer, reformist, and unfortunate offspring of former intel boss Ali Younesi—of committing the unforgivable sin : sounding logical online. But not just that. He is also, allegedly, “supporting the Zionist regime” —a crime punishable by 1 to 99 years of soli...