THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Bombastic, Baffling & Bizarre Since 1948 Hamas Thanks Canada, UK, and France For Their Support—Sends Gift Basket of Explosives and Hypocrisy By: Fatah Morgana | Senior Correspondent for Terror Tourism & Western Diplomatic Masochism 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then it’s open season on acronyms. Diplomacy Goes Full Delusion: Hamas Credits Mass Murder for Statehood Vibes If you’ve ever seen someone commit arson, then ask the fire department to reward them with a beachfront property, congratulations: You understand the logic of the 2025 Western diplomatic brain fog. On Saturday, Ghazi Hamad , senior Hamas goblin and professional war criminal, told Al Jazeera—with a straight face no less—that Canada, the UK, and France’s plans to recognize a Palestinian state were thanks to the massacre Hamas orchestr...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Chardonnay-soaked panic with a WAP backbeat Kamala Confidential: Chardonnay, Chaos & #SlayForTheSlain By: Tequila Moxie | VP of Vice Presidential Investigations & Solar Eclipse Surveillance Unit 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it, in which case we’ll rebrand to “Wudhu, Tarot, & FOMO.” Bidenworld’s Nuclear Option: Kamala’s Greatest Hits As 2025 unfolds like a leftover ham sandwich in the sun, whispers swirl across Washington like Pelosi’s leftover hairspray. The Biden Loyalists—what remains of them, huddled in Delaware basements and behind Dr. Jill's orchid collection—are reportedly ready to unleash Operation: WAP Files if Kamala Harris’s upcoming memoir 107 Days dares to imply Joe Biden was anything less than sharp, vibrant, and fully aware of his surroundings during the 2024 campaign. And who could...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Suspiciously Hanging Around Iran Just Executed Wi-Fi Access By: Mahdi Rope-Around | Senior Spy vs. Spy Correspondent & Falafel Conspiracy Enthusiast 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we’re legally forced to redefine satire as sedition. Tehran’s New Export: Executions & Exaggerations In the latest episode of Iran’s Got Treason! , the Islamic Republic hanged nuclear scientist Rouzbeh Vadi for allegedly leaking classified information to Israel’s Mossad.  His crime?  Sending sensitive data via crypto wallet and being friends with someone named “Alex” online. Seriously. “Alex.” This is like being executed for joining a suspicious Telegram group called "Atomic Goys Anonymous." Iran claims Vadi passed details about a fellow nuclear scientist—later obliterated during Israel’s June airstrikes—a...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Banned in Tehran, Backstage in Tel Aviv Iran Just Charged Itself With Treason and Blamed Israel For Knowing Too Much By: Golan N. Ditch | Senior Analyst, Unauthorized Memeologist 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we will consider a rebrand to "Wudhu, Treason & Fatwas." Iran’s Latest National Security Threat: A Tweet In the Islamic Republic of Iran—where WiFi signals are weaker than their central bank—nothing strikes fear into the hearts of aging clerics more than a well-timed tweet. This week, the Ayatollahs officially accused Hassan Younesi—lawyer, reformist, and unfortunate offspring of former intel boss Ali Younesi—of committing the unforgivable sin : sounding logical online. But not just that. He is also, allegedly, “supporting the Zionist regime” —a crime punishable by 1 to 99 years of soli...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Civil War Reloaded Lebanon's Historic Disarmament Debate Threatens to Explode Like a Hookah in a Powder Keg By: Falafel Al-Mukhabarat | Middle East Editor, Counterterrorism Ping Pong Champion 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then all bets are off. Beirut is Buzzing, and Not Just from the Power Generators On August 5, 2025, the Lebanese government met once again in a desperate attempt to decide whether Hizbullah should finally drop its guns and pick up... maybe a fishing rod? A desk job? A kazoo? Fifty years after civil war and a few dozen "peace" accords later, Lebanon is again caught between becoming a sovereign state or continuing to let a black-turbaned militia operate like an armed Uber Eats driver for Iran. The question: Will Lebanon become a nation with a single military force and a functioni...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Geopolitically Unhinged Five Things China Could (But Won’t) Do to Shut Down Russia’s War Machine By: Dr. Chop Suey Geopolitix, Senior Fellow at the Beijing Buffet Institute of Strategic Irony 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless Xi Jinping live-tweets it with a panda emoji. INTRO: WHEN GEARS GO BOOM If a butterfly flapping its wings in Wuhan can unleash a global pandemic, imagine what would happen if China stopped shipping carbon fiber and glorified blender motors to Moscow. Spoiler alert: Putin’s drones would die midair like your grandma’s ceiling fan. Welcome to the weirdest war supply chain breakdown since Napoleon couldn’t get horseshoes. Despite speeches, sanctions, and enough ceasefire proposals to wallpaper Xi Jinping’s pleasure bunker, the Ukraine war rolls on. Why?  Because nobody has dared to do the simplest thing: cut off the bubble-g...