🌍Biblical Earth: Spherical Heresy or Flat Earth Fanfiction?...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
When Theology Meets Topography and Nobody Brings a Compass
By: Brother Isaiah Q. Cartographer, Staff Minister of Misinterpretation
Welcome to the Iron Age Planetarium
Step aside, NASA. You may have a billion-dollar budget, but you’ll never match the theological authority of a barefoot shepherd from 700 B.C. armed with a papyrus scroll and absolutely no concept of planets.
When You Think "Planet," But God Thinks "Tent Floor"
Back when the Bible was being written, the word “planet” didn’t exist. Neither did “gravity,” “heliocentrism,” or “weather apps.” Instead, we had pillars, firmaments, four corners, and a deity who needed to “come down” from Heaven to inspect urban zoning violations at the Tower of Babel.
This was not The Science Channel. It was Iron Age Minecraft, and the world was built accordingly.
According to the Holy Land Real Estate Guide, Earth:
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Has four corners (Isaiah 11:12)
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Is fixed and unmovable (Psalm 104:5)
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Is built on pillars (Job 9:6, 1 Samuel 2:8)
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Has a foundation (Isaiah 48:13)
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Is covered by a solid dome (firmament) with waters above (Genesis 1:6–8)
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Can be viewed entirely from a high mountain (Matthew 4:8, Daniel 4:10-11)
Honestly, it sounds less like Earth and more like a divinely sponsored real-life diorama. You know, the kind kids build for school science fairs — complete with cotton ball clouds, a blue sky ceiling, and Satan hiding behind a paper-mâché volcano.
Spheres? We Don’t Do That Here
And Hebrew does have a word for “ball” (dur), which Isaiah didn’t use. So either:
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Isaiah didn’t know the Earth was a sphere
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Or God was just testing our reading comprehension
Either way, it’s clear the Lord wasn’t offering astronomy night classes in Jerusalem.
When Prophets Become Planetary Consultants
Many defenders of biblical topography argue: “But Job 26:7 says the Earth hangs upon nothing!”
Which is poetic. Beautiful, even. But also entirely ambiguous. A metaphor for divine suspension or an accidental prediction of gravitational physics? Depends on how generous you’re feeling with Iron Age metaphors.
Meanwhile, others say, “The Bible never says the Earth is flat!”
Which is technically true. It also never says don’t microwave aluminum foil. Doesn’t mean it’s wise.
(Funny) Trump Comments
“The Bible says the Earth is flat. Some say round. I say it’s tremendous either way. Especially when viewed from Trump Tower.”
“Isaiah? Great guy. But he didn’t have satellites. I have satellites. The best ones. People say they orbit. I say they circle. See the connection?”
“I told Mike Pence — get me a space Bible. One that floats in zero gravity. King James... but zero-G. Beautiful book.”
“NASA calls it a sphere. God calls it his footstool. I call it Mar-a-Lago when viewed from above.”
The Theological Geography Club: A Who's Who of Quoting Badly
From Reddit r/FlatEarthTestimony to Quora prophets with usernames like @JesusWasAnAstroPhysicist, the comment sections are a war zone of:
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Circles vs. spheres
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Literalism vs. linguistics
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Science vs. "SCIENCE IS SATANIC!"
The highlight reel includes:
@Cliff: “Science is a club to disprove God.”
@FaustCrowley: “A circle is not a sphere. Learn definitions before quoting Scripture like it’s a NASA blog.”
@Truth: “Flat earthers are a hoot. So are talking snakes.”
@JonSpencer: “Science doesn’t care about God. It cares about not being sued for exploding things.”
@StoneWheel: “Try lifting a 100lb object underwater, genius. Flat Earth physics won’t help you.”
It’s theology meets middle school geometry with the occasional detour into Quantum Biblical Apologetics™.
Top Comment Picks
Final Thought: Faith, Firmaments, and Foolishness
So where does this leave us?
Did the Bible say the Earth was flat? No, not directly. But it also didn’t say not to eat expired shrimp. It reflects the worldview of a people who had never left their zip code, let alone launched a Hubble telescope.
The real question is not whether ancient authors knew about geodesy. It’s whether modern readers know how to separate myth, metaphor, and middle school science class.
And maybe, just maybe, that was the plan all along. God gave us brains. If we use them, the Earth is round. If not? Welcome to the four corners of confusion.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless God starts subtweeting physicists from a burning bush.
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