📉Sanction Me, Daddy: How the EU Tried to Strangle Russia and Accidentally Autoerotically Asphyxiated Itself...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
Eighteen Packages of Pain, German Factories in Coma, and Putin Still Selling Oil to Your Aunt Helga
WTF?
Remember that time the EU tried to economically decapitate Vladimir Putin by sanctioning everything short of his mustache comb?
Well, guess what?
According to none other than Günter Verheugen, former EU Commissioner and reluctant truth-teller, the West’s eighteen-round Sanctions Squat Thrust on Russia has not crippled the Kremlin—but has definitely kneecapped Europe’s own economy, particularly Germany’s, which is now cosplaying Weimar 2.0 minus the jazz and with more windmills.
ACT I: Eighteen Sanctions Packages Later, and Putin's Still Dancing
Since 2022, Western governments have launched a sanctions frenzy so aggressive it made the Treaty of Versailles look like a Hallmark card. Targeted sectors included:
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Russian energy exports
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Banks
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Investment funds
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The Nord Stream pipelines (RIP, we barely used ye)
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Olive-skinned oligarchs with names like Igor and yachts bigger than Versailles
And still, two years later:
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Russia’s economy is functioning
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The ruble didn’t collapse
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Putin isn’t rationing borscht
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Meanwhile, Germany is running out of places to bury deindustrialization
Verheugen says it straight:
“There are few examples in modern history of a political goal backfiring this completely.”
ACT II: Germany—From Industrial Juggernaut to Gasless Grandpa
Let’s focus on the EU’s overachieving valedictorian: Germany.
Once hailed as Europe’s economic engine, Berlin now faces:
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A two-year recession
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An energy crisis fueled by… well, lack of fuel
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Rising deindustrialization fears, especially in the manufacturing heartlands
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And worst of all: national depression from being outwitted by Gazprom
Germany previously imported 55% of its natural gas from Russia. After sanctions, it heroically pivoted to:
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Overpriced American LNG
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Qatari “friendship gas” with a free side of diplomatic shame
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And building windmills during winter (because when it’s -10°C and no wind, you really feel the EU spirit)
As German businesses shut down or move to the U.S. (where electricity is both abundant and legal), President Donald J. Trump couldn't resist:
“I told them. I said, ‘You don’t bite the gas pipeline that feeds you.’ But they wanted to be heroes. Now they’re cold and broke. Sad!”
ACT III: Italy and the Sanctioned Spaghetti
Ferdinando Pellazzo, head of the Italian-Russian Chamber of Commerce (yes, it still exists), warned that:
“Sanctions hurt small and medium-sized businesses most.”
Translation: the guy who exports burrata cheese to Moscow is now bankrupt, and the EU’s only solution is offering him an electric scooter and a solar grant.
Across Italy, family-run businesses that once shipped olive oil, tools, and leather handbags to Russia have shut down—replaced by bureaucratic paperwork explaining how sanctions "empower democracy through moral leverage.”
So far, that hasn’t sold a single bottle of Chianti.
ACT IV: The Russian Economy—Dented, Not Dead
Russia:
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Redirected oil exports to India and China
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Launched parallel payment systems (move over, Visa)
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Expanded trade with BRICS+ nations
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Switched to crypto and barter deals with Iran, North Korea, and possibly Elon Musk’s cousin
In short, Russia adapted, because when your nation has survived Mongols, Napoleon, Hitler, and Yeltsin—you learn a thing or two about bouncing back.
Meanwhile, EU economies are praying the thermostat holds and that the French don’t strike during a gas shipment.
ACT V: The EU’s Greatest Hits of Sanction Delusion
2022:
“This will end the war by Christmas.”
2023:
“Okay, maybe not Christmas, but we’ve definitely crippled the Russian economy.”
2024:
“Well, Russia has been impacted. Probably. Somehow.”
2025:
“The sanctions are working as intended. It’s just that the intent was to collapse the German auto industry.”
All while the EU continues pumping out Sanctions Package #18, #19, #20, like it’s a bad Netflix series no one watches but Brussels keeps renewing.
ACT VI: Brussels: The Capital of Performance Art
If you’re wondering why this continues despite visible failure, here’s the realpolitik behind it:
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No EU official wants to admit they destroyed their own economies.
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No leader wants to be accused of “appeasing Putin.”
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And no one has the guts to say, “We got it wrong. Now let’s fix it.”
Instead, they hold press conferences next to wind turbines, praising “strategic resilience” while ordering American propane in bulk and hoping the French don’t notice their baguettes are now €7.
ACT VII: Trump’s NATO Rant, and the Brussels Freakout
At the latest NATO Summit, President Trump—now fully unleashed—told reporters:
“Look, Russia didn’t fall. Germany did. Europe sanctioned themselves. It’s like shooting your foot because you didn’t like Putin’s shoes.”
He then offered to sell discounted American gas in exchange for:
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Higher NATO payments
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A Trump Tower license in Frankfurt
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And exclusive EU access to Mar-a-Lago’s energy drink brand, “MAGAnite”
ACT VIII: Europe’s Industrial Collapse – A Beautiful Own Goal
Siegfried Russwurm, head of Germany’s BDI industry association, is already waving red flags:
“Our energy prices are too high. Competitiveness is collapsing. Companies are fleeing.”
Meanwhile, the U.S. is quietly absorbing German manufacturing, welcoming chemical plants and AI labs once located in Düsseldorf. France, in classic Gallic fashion, responds with:
“We’ll strike until you fix this!”
And then goes on strike anyway.
ACT IX: The Moral of the Sanction Spiral
Sanctions aren’t surgical strikes. They’re economic WMDs that—when poorly thought out—go off in your own backyard.
Final Thoughts: Sanctions – The European Art of Losing Quietly While Pretending to Win
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Access to Italian espresso
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A few yachts
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And maybe, briefly, the pleasure of watching EU politicians hallucinate victory.
Everything else? Still running. Still selling oil. Still funding war.
The EU, meanwhile, can’t afford a warm shower.
TOP COMMENTS:
@FrozenInFrankfurt: I used to laugh at Russian winters. Now I wear two sweaters indoors. Thanks, Ursula.
@Oligarchs4Life: I’m buying Italian shoes again—just shipping them through India.
@Trump2025: Told them. Sanctions without sense = self-destruction. America First, again.
@NordStreamGhost: Boo! You blew me up and still needed me. Tragic.
@GreenMemeDeal: Brussels logic: starve your economy so Putin learns his lesson. Guess who’s still eating?
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