🚩WHERE THE HELL IS MOSES?...
📲 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Hieroglyphic Confusion & Monotheistic Mayhem
Why Egypt forgot to tweet about the guy who allegedly turned their rivers to blood
By: The Nomadic Editor-In-Chief of WTF Global Times
**This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it in cuneiform.
The Hieroglyphic Elephant in the Room
Let’s begin with the biblical big bang: the Exodus. A mass slave rebellion, ten plagues, divine pyrotechnics, and a Pharaoh reduced to wet sandals. So why do Egyptian records — otherwise obsessed with bragging about brick production and bicep curls — forget to mention any of it?
You’d think if your gods lost a wrestling match with a staff-wielding Hebrew wizard, someone would carve it into a wall. Instead, all we get is a single blink-and-you-miss-it reference to "Israel" on the Merneptah Stele, circa 1210 BCE. And even that was more of a subtweet: "Israel is laid waste. No seed remains." Not exactly Pulitzer-winning.
Where is Moses? Where are the frogs? Why did no Egyptian scribe say, "We just lost our economy to a guy who brought hellfire via stick"?
Spoiler: Moses may never have left a Yelp review. Because he may not have existed. Or if he did, he came with less Exodus and more metaphors.
Israelite Origins: Not So Egyptian After All
Modern archaeology says early Israelites weren’t escapees from Egypt — they were Canaanites. Yes, the very same crowd God allegedly told them to annihilate later. Plot twist!
They lived in the hills, built cute four-room homes, used identical pottery, and developed slowly from semi-nomads to urbanized agriculturalists. Their revolution wasn't fire and brimstone. It was zoning and irrigation.
They weren’t unique ethnic aliens. They were internal dissidents who probably said, "Screw Pharaoh. Let's form a commune in the highlands."
YHW: The OG Wi-Fi Password of the Desert
Egypt mentions something weird: the Shasu of YHW. Nomads from the land of YHW. That sounds an awful lot like Yahweh.
Did the Israelites hijack this god? Probably. Did the Shasu sing psalms? Doubt it. But someone knew YHW long before he got top billing in Leviticus.
Also, early Israelites probably weren’t monotheistic. They were henotheistic, meaning Yahweh was their main guy but not the only guy. Like choosing a favorite food truck in a food court of ancient deities.
Egypt's Canaanian Franchise: Colonization, Not Captivity
The "slavery" in Egypt? Probably metaphor.
Ancient Egypt colonized Canaan for centuries. They taxed it, drafted labor, and ruled it like a poorly managed Pizza Hut. Israelites may have viewed this political domination as “enslavement,” especially if their grain tributes went straight to Pharaoh's cat fund.
There was no mass brick-making Holocaust. No chariots chasing exiles through parted seas. No pyramid-building Hebrews (those were built 1,000 years earlier by actual Egyptian laborers and slaves from Nubia).
The Late Bronze Age Collapse: Civilization.exe Has Stopped Working
Between 1200 and 1150 BCE, civilization crumbled. Sea Peoples invaded. Trade collapsed. Famine hit. In other words, God went full Thanos on ancient empires.
This opened a power vacuum where tiny kingdoms emerged. Israelites happened to be in the right highlands at the right time. Less "miracle," more "market opportunity."
Covenant with God = Anti-Egyptian Contract
The Sinai covenant wasn't just religion. It was politics. When the Israelites said, "We will serve YHW alone," they were really saying, "We will never bow to Pharaoh again."
Instead of a vassal treaty with Egypt, they made one with the sky god. That’s like quitting Walmart and swearing loyalty to your indie farmer's market. Spiritual defiance meets national liberation.
Akhenaten: Pharaoh of the Sun... or Moses' Roommate?
Then there’s Akhenaten, Egypt's heretic Pharaoh who tried monotheism. He ditched gods, promoted Aten (the sun), and made statues of his chin.
Sigmund Freud (yes, that Freud) theorized Moses may have been Akhenaten's disciple. Atenism collapsed fast. Maybe some followers escaped, took the idea of one God, and rebranded it in Canaan?
Problem: Israelite religion looked nothing like Atenism. Akhenaten prayed to light rays. Israelites burned goats on hills. So unless Moses moonlighted as a sun cult dropout, it's still speculative fanfic.
Exodus as Collective Memory
Even if it didn’t happen, Exodus meant something.
Like how African-Americans remember slavery, even those who don't directly descend from enslaved people. Or how modern Jews invoke the Holocaust in defining identity.
The Israelite story might not be historically accurate, but it felt true. That’s powerful myth-making. It shaped centuries of resilience.
Songs of the Sea: The Real OG Exodus
Before the Torah was written, Israelites sang their story. Literally.
"The Song of the Sea" in Exodus and "The Song of Deborah" in Judges are written in archaic Hebrew. They’re some of the oldest biblical texts and suggest a people remembering something.
Did they remember leaving Egypt? Or just surviving it? Or watching it crumble from afar? Either way, they sang. Songs outlast scrolls.
Samaritans Agree: Exodus Was a Banger
Samaritans also tell the Exodus story. They don’t accept all of Judaism, but they love Moses.
That means the core story is older than the Bible itself. Two rival religious communities remember the same myth. That’s strong evidence it predates written Torah.
Trump Comments:
"Frankly, Moses would've built a much better pyramid if he worked for me. Very classy, maybe gold on top."
"No mention of the Exodus? FAKE HIEROGLYPHS. We need American archaeologists over there. The best."
"I parted traffic on Fifth Avenue once. Same thing."
Top Comment Picks:
“If Moses did exist, he definitely didn't wait for 40 years. He would've taken a shortcut on Waze.” — @GeoNomad42
“Honestly, it makes sense Moses didn’t write anything. Who carries papyrus into the desert?” — @DustyScrolls
“So the Exodus is just Egypt’s PR failure?” — @HieroglyphicsDept
Final Thought:
Maybe Moses never existed. Maybe the Exodus was a song, not a reality. But the story became true in the way all myths do: it shaped identity, defied empire, and made people believe they mattered.
History didn’t record Moses. But memory did.
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