✝️☠️OLD TESTAMENT, THE ORIGINAL KILLER APP: "THOU SHALT NOT KILL" - UNLESS YOU’VE READ THE FINE PRINT...
🗞️THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
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HOLY BLOOD OF THE DIVINE SPLIT PERSONALITY TO HOLY SPIRIT: THE LONG, STRANGE JOURNEY FROM LEVITICUS’ KILL LIST TO CHRIST’S HUG LIST.
The god who fired himself: why the old
testament’s ceo of smiting got replaced by his own son — with better customer
service.
By:
Brother Bartholomew Blasphemius, Senior Theological Troublemaker
👁️🗨️This blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity — unless your pastor starts quoting Leviticus at brunch.
THE HOLY HOW-TO MANUAL FOR HOMICIDE
The Good Book has been called many things — sacred, divine, inspired, edited, mistranslated, selectively quoted, and occasionally weaponized. But until you read it cover to cover, you don’t realize it also doubles as a Bronze Age survival guide with a disturbingly detailed murder section.
Forget “Thou shalt not kill.” That’s the headline. The footnotes? A sprawling list of exceptions so long it could fill an entire Book of Loopholes.
Behold, straight from the scriptures — the original divine kill list.
The Bible offers a lot of advice about killing other people, including killing others who don’t believe in your religion.
Deuteronomy 20:16-17 (New International Version) (NIV):
"However, in the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them."
Deuteronomy 20:16–17 commands the Israelites to leave
nothing alive in the cities of the nations they conquered in the Promised Land,
including the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and
Jebusites. This act of complete destruction, known as herem, was
to prevent the conquered peoples' idolatrous and abominable practices from
corrupting the Israelites and to ensure they would not teach the Israelites to
do the same, as the Lord God had commanded.
Key points from the verses:
- No
survivors:
The instruction is to save alive nothing that breathes in
these conquered cities.
- Specific
list of peoples:
The directive specifically names the Hittites, Amorites,
Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites.
- Divine
command:
The complete destruction is presented as an explicit command
from the Lord God.
- Purpose:
The reason provided is to ensure the Israelites would not be taught to practice the abominable customs of these peoples, thus preventing them from sinning against their own God.
The OT Bible commands us to:
-
Kill adulterers (Lev 20:10)
-
Kill all witches (Ex 22:18)
-
Kill blasphemers (Lev 24:14)
-
Kill false prophets (Zech 13:3)
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Kill fortune-tellers (Lev 20:27)
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Kill anyone who sins (Ezek 18:4)
-
Kill the curious (1 Sam 6:19–20)
-
Kill gays (Lev 20:13, Rom 1:21–32)
-
Kill all non-Hebrews (Dt 20:16–17)
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Kill sons of sinners (Isaiah 14:21)
-
Kill nonbelievers (2 Chron 15:12–13)
-
Kill anyone who curses God (Lev 24:16)
-
Kill any child who hits a parent (Ex 21:15)
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Kill children who disobey parents (Dt 21:20)
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Kill those who work on the Sabbath (Ex 31:15)
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Kill disobedient children (Ex 21:17, Mk 7:10)
-
Kill strangers close to a church (Num 1:48–51)
-
Kill all males after winning battles (Dt 20:13)
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Kill all those who curse father or mother (Lev 20:9)
-
Kill men who have sex with other men (Lev 20:13)
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Kill any bride discovered not a virgin (Dt 22:21)
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Kill those who worship the wrong god (Num 25:1–9)
-
Kill anyone who does not observe the Sabbath (Ex 31:14)
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Kill everybody in a town that worships the wrong god (Dt 13:13–16)
-
And finally: Kill anyone who kills anyone (Lev 24:17)
THE DIVINE LOGIC OF “THOU SHALT NOT” (WITH A BLOOD CLAUSE)
The Book of Leviticus reads less like divine law and more like a Middle Eastern HR manual for homicide.
“Thou shalt not kill” — except in cases of adultery, idolatry, Sabbath-breaking, curiosity, disobedience, bad parenting, being non-Hebrew, witchcraft, or just existing inconveniently.
In modern corporate language, this is called “flexible policy enforcement.”
WHEN FAITH MEETS FINE PRINT
Apparently, divine justice in the Iron Age came with a loyalty program.
TRUMP COMMENTS (because why not?)
“Leviticus — great book. Tremendous book. People don’t read it. I read it, I said, wow, lots of killing. Lots of winners.”
“The Bible says don’t kill, but also says who to kill. Smart. Very smart. Flexible policy.”
“People say I’m the chosen one. I say — they killed prophets back then too. So I keep the Secret Service close.”
“If Moses had Twitter, trust me, things would’ve gone differently.”
TOP COMMENT PICKS
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“The Ten Commandments were just the trailer — Leviticus is the full horror film.”
-
“If you think the Bible is about love, you clearly skipped the Old Testament’s hit list.”
-
“Holy water can’t wash away the blood stains in those footnotes.”
-
“Some people read the Bible for comfort. Others read it for targets.”
-
“It’s less Good News and more Good Luck.”
FINAL THOUGHT
The ancient writers didn’t have international law, ethics committees, or Netflix. They had sheep, sand, and smiting. Lots of smiting.
But before anyone uses these verses to justify violence today, remember: if you followed every biblical killing commandment, there’d be no one left to quote scripture at you.
And that’s precisely the point — the Old Testament was not written by Jesus, nor about Jesus, nor for the world Jesus would later preach to.
To confuse the two is like blaming Einstein for cave paintings — same species, different level of revelation.
And maybe that’s why Christianity keeps struggling — because half its followers still want Moses’ sword while holding up Christ’s cross.
ADDENDUM: WHY THE OLD TESTAMENT GOD HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JESUS OR CHRISTIANITY
Which means, if you’re still quoting “kill the unbeliever” while wearing a cross — congratulations, you’re following the beta version of God.
NEXT WEEK ON THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
-
“The Flood: God’s First Climate Intervention?”
-
“Lot’s Wife — The First Recorded Salt-Based Cryptocurrency.”
-
“Noah’s Ark: The Original Overbooked Cruise.”
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times! Because when ancient prophets wrote fine print, humanity stopped reading after the first commandment.
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