🗞️THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 98% Genealogically Confused
Two Evangelists, Zero Data, and One Virgin Birth That Broke Every Family-Tracking Spreadsheet In Antiquity
By:
Professor Quilliam Quibblethorpe, Senior Editor of Divine Paternity Mysteries
Sister Meta Data, Archivist of Lost Genealogies & Accidental Theologies
👁️🗨️This blog uses WTF strictly in the sense of Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it, then all bets are off.
THE HOLY FAMILY TREE THAT APPARENTLY GREW IN A VACUUM
Historians love data.
Biblical genealogists love lists.
Early Christians loved… hope.
Combine these three, and somehow you still get zero recorded ancestors for Mary, the mother of the central figure of Christian history.
Let’s recap:
-
Matthew → genealogy of Joseph
-
Luke → genealogy of Joseph
-
Mary → genealogy of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is the Holy Family equivalent of submitting a passport application with two correct addresses and one blank page labeled “We trust you’ll fill this in with faith.”
APOLOGISTS TO THE RESCUE! (WITH GLITTER & SPIRITUAL DUCT TAPE)
When modern apologists noticed that neither Gospel bothers giving Mary’s lineage - and that Joseph’s lineage is irrelevant in a virgin birth scenario - they invented the greatest after-market theological accessory of all time:
“Luke must actually be giving Mary’s genealogy.”
Tragically, Luke did not get the memo.
He literally writes “Joseph, son of Heli.”
Not “Mary, daughter of Heli,”
Not “Insert maternal genealogy here.”
Just Joseph.
Again.
It’s like having two receipts for a product you didn’t buy and deciding one must secretly belong to your neighbor because it fits your preferred plot twist.
ENTER JOACHIM & ANNA:
PRAISED BE THE PROTOEVANGELIUM, SAVIOR OF EMPTY FAMILY TREES
By 145 CE, early Christians panicked.
They needed Mary’s backstory, because Christianity was spreading faster than genealogical records could be forged.
Solution?
A pious fan fiction masterpiece: The Protoevangelium of James, starring:
-
Joachim → wealthy, pious, barren until plotline required action
-
Anna → holy, weeping, dedicated her child to God like a premium temple offering
-
Mary → toddler trained in temple choreography and early-stage mystical glowing (probably)
What does this text give us?
Everything except ancestry.
Joachim is rich, holy, generous, barren, and mysterious, but absolutely no one knows who his parents were.
This is the genealogical equivalent of a celebrity biography that starts with:
“Chapter 1: Nobody knows where she came from, but she slayed.”
WAS MARY A LEVITE? A DAVIDIDE? A TIME TRAVELER?
Scholars, theologians, and internet commenters have made bold claims:
Theory 1: Mary was a Levite
Because she had a relative named Elizabeth.
That’s it. That’s the whole argument.
Theory 2: Mary was from the tribe of Judah
Because the Messiah needed Davidic genes, and if Joseph isn’t supplying them…
Well, you force Mary to supply them by sheer theological willpower.
Theory 3: Mary’s ancestry was lost to history
This is the only boring theory, which means it is almost certainly the correct one.
Theory 4: Mary was secretly royalty
A theory designed by people who cannot emotionally handle the idea that God Incarnate might have been raised by a woman whose family tree fits on a sticky note.
THE FIRST-CENTURY ANCESTRY.COM CRASHES
Imagine:
You open your parchment-based genealogy software.
You input “Mary.”
You hit search.
ERROR: 0 RESULTS.
Try “parents?”
ERROR: FIELD DOES NOT EXIST.
Try “tribe?”
ERROR: AMBIGUOUS.
Try “Davidic?”
404: PROPHECY NOT FOUND.
Meanwhile Matthew and Luke are creating incompatible genealogies for Joseph, a man who - according to them - is not the biological father of Jesus anyway.
Nothing says “divinely inspired record-keeping” like crafting two incompatible male-only genealogies for a baby whose origin bypasses the male completely.
THE MODERN CHURCH:
PLEASE STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, JUST ENJOY THE STORY
Clergy throughout history have handled Mary’s missing genealogy the same way politicians handle budget overruns:
By medieval times, Joachim & Anna had been canonized, given feast days, assigned origin stories, and painted into thousands of frescoes- but still no ancestry.
Christian tradition essentially said:
“Let’s not worry about it. They were holy. The end.”
Which is poetic… but not remotely helpful for historians.
WTF? - EDITORIAL VERDICT
After 2,000 years of:
We arrive at the truth:
MARY’S GENEALOGY DOES NOT EXIST IN ANY HISTORICAL RECORD.
EVER. AT ALL.
Even early Christians guessed.
They filled the gaps with divine imagination rather than dusty family trees.
The mother of the world’s most influential religious figure remains, genealogically speaking, a holy mystery wrapped in theological duct tape secured with pious optimism.
TRUMP COMMENTS (Imaginary Press Briefing)
“Look, Mary - great woman, fantastic woman, people tell me this - she had an incredible family tree. Very strong. Very beautiful. Some say the best. Probably royal. Who knows? The Bible doesn’t say. Should’ve said. If I wrote it, it would’ve said.”
He then suggested creating a federal genealogy task force to find Mary’s missing ancestors. Funding pending.
TOP COMMENT PICKS
1. Theologian With a Migraine:
“Genealogy? I barely survived comparing Matthew and Luke. Please let me rest.”
2. Apologist Who Has Seen Too Much:
“It could have been Mary’s genealogy if you squint hard enough and ignore every word in the text.”
3. Rabbinic Historian:
“No tribe? No ancestors? That’s not a genealogy, that’s a mystery novel.”
4. Amateur Genealogist:
“Even my great-uncle Vinod had more documentation, and he lived in a hut.”
FINAL THOUGHT
Mary’s lineage is not lost.
It was never recorded in the first place.
The early Christian movement didn’t care about it - only later Christians needed it, for theology, not history.
NEXT WEEK ON THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
“JOACHIM & ANNA: THE HOLY COUPLE WHO MATERIALIZED OUT OF PURE PIOUS NECESSITY”
(or)
“Why Half of Christian Tradition Is Basically Ancient Fanfiction.”
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times - because even the holy family tree sometimes forgets to grow.
May your genealogies be complete, your contradictions be few, and your sacred mysteries come with better documentation than Mary’s ever did.
IS THIS JUST A STATIC BLOG? NOPE.
THE WTF RADIO STATION IS ONLINE NOW!
Your Ears Deserve This Madness, as well!
Tune in, Zone out — It’s WTF Radio Time!
THE WTF RADIO STATION IS PLAYING INDIE SONGS PRODUCED BY THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES, NOW!
NOTE;
IF YOU WANNA LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE READING BUT ARE HAVING TROUBLE HEARING IT, JUST OPEN ANOTHER DUPLICATE TAB OF THE BLOG!
We report, you spit your coffee — The WTF Global Times, now streaming on YouTube:
Breaking news, bad puns, and global mayhem — all in one place.
100% news, 100% satire, 300% what-the-heck.
Comments
Post a Comment