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Skinny Jabs, Fat Problems: As Millions Inject Themselves Slimmer, Dentists, Gut Doctors, and Orthopaedic Surgeons Casually Walk Into A Bar And Exit Screaming
By: Dr. Bertram "Side-Effect" Sludge, Senior Correspondent for Pharmacological Chaos & Accidental Comedy, WTF Global Times
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… then all linguistic negotiations collapse.
Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone googling “Ozempic side effects help dear God,” welcome to yet another episode of Humanity Invents Something Useful And Immediately Misuses It Until It Backfires.
Across the UK and increasingly the world, millions are leaping onto Ozempic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro — the Holy Trinity of “I want to lose weight but also want dessert.” Originally designed for diabetes management, these GLP-1 injections have become so popular that even fridges are complaining about lack of space for normal food.
But now, according to medical experts, dental surgeons, orthopaedic specialists, and one particularly traumatized plumber who had to unclog a toilet after someone on a high-dose Mounjaro, the side-effects are starting to resemble the plot of a medical horror anthology.
Let’s begin with everyone’s favorite apocalyptic phrase…
THE “OZEMPIC TEETH” CRISIS
(Dentists: We Are Not Paid Enough For This.)
Dentists worldwide are reporting a trend so troubling that even vampires are concerned: rapidly decaying teeth, dry mouth, enamel breakdown, gum flare-ups, and something called “I haven’t had water in two days because I’m not thirsty anymore syndrome.”
The mechanism?
Semaglutide may reduce thirst or saliva in some users - and saliva is important because it’s the mouth’s natural version of a cleaning crew. Without it, bacteria begin hosting raves on your molars.
Add to this the reflux and vomiting some users experience during early treatment - stomach acid is nature’s paint stripper - and you have a dental situation that makes British teeth jokes look like flattery.
Cosmetic dentists are now recommending:
• Drink water
• More water
• Seriously, drink water
• Tell your dentist you’re on these medications before they faint mid-cleaning
According to one expert, “Users need to be monitored in the early months.”
Translation: “Please tell us what’s happening so we’re not blindsided by the sudden collapse of your enamel.”
DIARRHEA: THE SIDE EFFECT NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT BUT EVERYONE WANTS TO STOP
Meanwhile, Mounjaro users are reporting gastrointestinal events so dramatic that Greek tragedies are asking them to tone it down.
Doctors say this is because GLP-1 drugs slow digestion - sometimes too much - causing the body to stage a fluid-management protest.
Symptoms range from “mild discomfort” to “I cannot leave the bathroom; please send help and electrolytes.”
Tips include:
• Avoid caffeine and alcohol
• Eat bland food
• Stay hydrated
• Invest in toilet paper futures
But doctors emphasize:
If symptoms persist, call a GP.
If symptoms persist longer, call a second GP.
If symptoms persist even longer, establish diplomatic relations with your bathroom.
FOOT DROP: THE MOST UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST OF 2025
Orthopaedic specialists have now reported rare cases where patients experiencing rapid weight loss - from any cause - may lose protective fat around nerves, leading to weakness in lifting the front of the foot.
This condition, known as foot drop, is treatable but alarmingly disruptive for affected individuals.
One surgeon explained the mechanism using medical terminology. The WTF Global Times translation:
“When you lose weight very fast, your nerves go: Where did our pillow go? Why am I rubbing directly on bone? Why is everything terrible?”
Again:
No evidence the medication directly causes the condition - but rapid weight loss itself can sometimes contribute to nerve stress or compression.
Patients are now advised to:
•Avoid overly aggressive dieting
•Talk to doctors before making dosage changes
•Watch for changes in gait
•Not treat GLP-1 medications as personality upgrades
BUT DON'T PANIC (UNLESS YOU WANT TO, WE ARE NOT YOUR THERAPIST)
Regulators stress that:
• These drugs are valuable and effective
• Most side effects are mild
• Severe symptoms are uncommon
• Anyone with concerns should speak with a healthcare professional, not TikTok influencers
But with millions injecting themselves enthusiastically, unintended consequences were inevitable. As one expert put it:
“When the entire population suddenly starts taking a medication meant for a specific medical condition, unexpected patterns emerge. Also, please brush your teeth.”
TRUMP COMMENTS (THE MANDATORY WTF SEGMENT)
President Trump, when briefed on the side effects, reportedly offered several comments, including:
• “I don’t need Ozempic. My metabolism is the best metabolism. Doctors tell me it’s incredible.”
• “Foot drop? Never heard of it. My feet are perfect. Some say the most presidential feet ever.”
• “If Ozempic did that to Biden’s teeth, I fully support it.”
• “If people want to be skinny, they should do it the American way - panic about swimsuit season and then forget about it.”
Scientists responded by quietly closing their laptops.
TOP COMMENT PICKS
1. FitnessBro1994:
I took Ozempic for three weeks and lost 12 pounds and 8 friends who were tired of me talking about Ozempic.
2. DentalDoomUK:
Please tell your dentist if you're taking these. We can handle the truth. We cannot handle your enamel dissolving mid-conversation.
3. ToiletLord92:
Mounjaro turned my intestines into a slip-n-slide. I haven’t seen daylight since Tuesday.
4. Orthopaedic_Overtime:
Foot drop? Yes. Rapid weight loss? Yes. Enough overtime pay? Absolutely not.
5. HydrationStation:
Drink water, people. Not just coffee pretending to be water.
FINAL THOUGHT
GLP-1 medications are an important medical tool - but not a magical shortcut.
Rapid change comes with risks, and your organs do not read social media trends before responding.
If you’re using these medications, do it under real medical supervision.
If you’re experiencing new symptoms, don’t self-diagnose.
If your teeth feel weird - call someone with a degree.
And remember:
The only safe, side-effect-free weight loss method is…
Actually, never mind. Scientists haven’t found one yet.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES
• China accidentally admits it’s been tracking UFOs, but insists they are “very disciplined UFOs.”
• Europe debates if corruption is still corruption if everyone is doing it equally.
• India invents a new drone that delivers chai AND geopolitics.
• Exclusive: Why every country pretends to love sanctions but hates them privately.
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times -because when humanity injects anything new, the side effects are never boring.
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