How can my friend adjust to a joint Marwari family post-love marriage, where acceptance is low?...

Q: My friend, who is a girl, is getting married into a joint Marwari family. Since it's a love marriage, her in-laws are not entirely happy. How should she conduct herself?

No Name

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A: First off, let's be honest—there’s a good chance that the “friend” you’re talking about is you! But don’t worry, navigating a traditional Marwari household can be as exciting as it is challenging. Here’s a lighter take on how to settle in:

1. Master the art of “Badaam ka Halwa”
   A perfectly made almond halwa can dissolve a lot of the initial tension. Food is the ultimate peace offering!

2. Get comfortable with traditions

   • Know the difference between kachha rang (fading colors) and pakka rang (long-lasting colors) in clothing. Avoid black on religious occasions.
   • During festivals like Teej, Holi, and Diwali, rotis are often avoided—snacks and sweets take center stage.

3. Family dynamics and respect

   • Address everyone respectfully: Nanasa, Nanisa, Maasa, etc. Even the youngest sister-in-law becomes “Didi,” regardless of age.
   • Make peace with the grandparents or the family head—they hold the keys to harmony.

4. Household quirks

   • Marwaris take pride in their culinary skills. Learn to say “saag sudharna” instead of “sabji katna” when referring to chopping vegetables.
   • Upma gets cashews, poha gets peanuts—never mix it up!
   • Keep your surroundings spotless: wrinkle-free folded clothes, perfectly tucked bedsheets, and dust-free furniture.

5. Cultural nuances

   • Gifts are always in odd numbers (e.g., ₹101, ₹501), and money is often given in red envelopes.
   • Periods may mean restrictions in the kitchen or separate sleeping arrangements—take it as a chance to rest!

6. Social etiquette

   • No PDA (Public Displays of Affection)! Keep interactions formal, especially around elder male members.
   • Avoid sitting beside or directly opposite a male family member unless necessary.

7. Handling meals and chores

   • Even in gatherings, ensure you return your plate to the wash area.
   • Laundry, especially personal items, is strictly your responsibility.

8. Winning hearts silently

   • Don’t expect vocal praise, but your efforts will be noticed. Family appreciation often comes in subtle, unspoken ways.

Finally, patience is your biggest ally. The skepticism around love marriages often fades with time and effort. Once you embrace the customs, your in-laws will come around, and you’ll find your place in the family.

Feel free to reach out if you need more tips. Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness!

Wishing you the best of luck in resolving this,

Dr. Pradeep JNA and Prof. Dr. Anuja - My Consulting Psychologist

Both: Clinical Psychologist, Family & Marriage Therapist

Contact Info: dr.pradeep.jna@gmail.com