⚡️Ayatollahs in Airplane Mode: How Mossad Hacked Iran's Brain While MPs Lost Signal...

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 📰 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES 

News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Mossad Bugged My Blender

Parliament Bans Phones as Israel Drops Bombs... and Bugs? 

By: The WTF Global Bureau of Anti-Surveillance Surveillance

 **This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it...

Tehran, July 2025 — National Tragedy or Comedy Special?

In a tale stranger than fiction, Iran's parliament has officially gone full "Airplane Mode," banning all mobile phones in chambers due to fears of Israeli espionage. The decision comes weeks after Israel carpet-bombed Iran's air defenses, nuclear sites, and most of its sense of internal security. And in the middle of it all, a reformist ex-MP decided to go nuclear on the intelligence agencies' collective incompetence.

Former lawmaker Gholam Ali Jafarzadeh Imanabadi, a war veteran turned Parliament Roaster-in-Chief, let loose a scorched-earth interview that reads like a stand-up set performed in the ashes of the Islamic Republic's delusions of secrecy.

"We are lost. We have no idea where we’re headed," Imanabadi declared. "The intelligence forces were busy arresting dog walkers and women without hijab while Mossad parachuted into our nuclear closets."

Translation: While agents were chasing poodles in hijabs, Israeli commandos were browsing uranium logs and nuking Natanz with a USB stick.

Meanwhile, in Parliament: Nokia-Free Since 2025

In response to what insiders are calling the "Bluetooth Betrayal," Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf announced the historic ban on phones inside the chamber.

"Security concerns," he said, with the kind of calm you'd expect from someone whose lunch was just livestreamed by Mossad.

This makes Iran’s Majles the first legislature in the world to officially adopt the Amish Communications Act.

MPs will now be forced to legislate based on memory, smoke signals, or passing notes written on sanctioned notepads. One lawmaker was seen trying to scroll an actual scroll.

But not everyone's thrilled.

"We can’t respond to people!” wailed Hamidreza Goudarzi. "Our constituents are sending us encrypted WhatsApps, and we have to answer using office interns!"

Ghalibaf reportedly replied by blinking twice — the new approved Morse code for "Not My Problem."

Who Bugged the Bugs?

According to leaked Iranian sources (or as we call them, "X accounts with VPNs"), Israeli intelligence has so thoroughly infiltrated Iran that even Iran's counter-intelligence is probably Mossad HR.

"A group of Mossad spies are looking for Mossad spies among Mossad spies," said Imanabadi, in a quote that has now entered Persian political folklore.

The IRGC’s entire cybersecurity division has been reduced to watching tutorials titled "How to Detect a Spy in 10 Easy Steps" — narrated, ironically, by a Mossad asset.

Abdollah Shahbazi, a former spook with a conscience, warned on social media that "even microwave ovens may be compromised." This was taken so seriously that an IRGC colonel was seen interrogating a Samsung rice cooker last week.

TRUMP COMMENTS — EXCLUSIVE (NOT REALLY):

Trump, reacting to Iran's latest "Parliament, Unplugged" update:

  • "Phones are banned? In Congress? I wish we did that. Maybe then Democrats would stop TikToking every sandwich they eat."

  • "Mossad is fantastic. I once hired an Israeli bodyguard. Best guy. Found my phone before I even lost it."

  • "They say Iran is banning phones. Well, I say they should ban losing wars. That’s what they should ban."

Top Comment Picks:

@AyatollahUnfiltered: "First they banned dogs. Now phones. Next: thinking."

@VPNFromQom: "My fridge just asked for my WiFi password. Mossad is getting creative."

@MossadFan69: "They arrested a pigeon for espionage. That was my cousin."

@KebabIntel: "Meanwhile in Tel Aviv: Watching Majles meetings via hacked Fitbit on an MP's wrist."

Final Thought:

When your parliament is offline, your nukes are vaporized, and your intelligence agencies are playing hide and seek with invisible Mossad agents, maybe it's time to ask not who hacked you... but who you let in through the back door.

Iran’s leadership continues to pretend it has control, but the walls are paper-thin, the microphones are wireless, and the walls are listening. In Farsi.

In the end, it's not about mobile phones. It's about mobility of thought. And right now, the regime's brain has no signal.

Next Week on WTF Global Times:

"The Hijab Drone Crisis: Iran's Revolutionary Sky Patrols and the Secret Underwear Surveillance Files"

Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times!

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