📄Nobody Reads UN Reports – UN Report!...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Bureaucratically Burnt-Out
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Welcome to the International House of Paper Cuts
In a staggering revelation that shook exactly nobody outside the Secretariat, the United Nations—yes, the same folks who held a three-day summit last year to define the term “urgent”—has admitted that most of its reports go completely unread. That’s right. Buried under a Himalayan pile of glossy PDFs, the UN has officially become the IKEA of international diplomacy: tons of parts, unreadable instructions, and no Allen key for actual solutions.
Last Thursday, Secretary-General António Guterres unveiled what may go down in history as the most ironic document ever published by an international body: a report on how nobody reads their reports.
“We’re drowning in mandates, paper, and PowerPoints,” Guterres declared, heroically resisting the urge to throw a stapler across the room. “The system is breaking.”
Fun Fact: The UN held a 7-hour meeting to plan the Taskforce that would analyze why there are too many meetings.
Reportception: The Mandate About the Mandates
This year’s report tally hit 1,100. That’s a 20% rise from 1990, which in UN time is just slightly faster than a Galápagos tortoise with a printer.
Of those:
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Only the top 5% are downloaded more than 5,500 times.
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20% are barely clicked a thousand times.
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The remaining 75%? Possibly reviewed by interns, bots, or that one guy at UN Café who thought it was a menu.
But the most pressing question remains: Who actually reads a UN report unless it has “nuclear,” “war crimes,” or “Israel” in the title?
Global Roast: From Putin to Jaishankar
Vladimir Putin, likely fresh from annexing a region or two, declared at the last BRICS summit that the Security Council must evolve or face irrelevance. And India’s S. Jaishankar, never one to mince words, compared the UN to “an old company taking up office space but not selling anything.”
Even Donald Trump chimed in (more on that later), suggesting that the UN could be replaced by a “really strong Yelp review system” where nations rank each other based on human rights, military invasions, and hummus recipes.
The UN’s response? Another report. Possibly with a pie chart.
UN80 Taskforce: How to Celebrate 80 Years of Irrelevance
To celebrate its 80th anniversary (because what says “effective peacekeeping” like cake and a commemorative binder), the UN launched the “UN80 Taskforce” to rethink... everything.
This included:
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Reviewing implementation of 27,000 mandates.
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Hosting 240 entities in one bureaucratic Hunger Games.
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And commissioning yet another report to summarize the summary of the conclusions of previous conclusions.
We now await the spin-off series: UN81 – The Mandate Awakens.
Trump Comments – Classic 2025 Edition
Trump on UN reports:
“Look, I love the United Nations. Tremendous building. Great flags. Nobody reads their stuff though. Sad! I mean, even my son Barron asked if the UN was a Google Doc nobody edits.”
On Guterres:
“He’s nice. Kind of sleepy. I call him ‘António Siesta.’ Wonderful guy. But all he does is write books nobody reads.”
On reforming the UN:
“We don’t need more reports. We need a wall. A bureaucratic wall. To stop the nonsense from leaking out into real life.”
Top Comment Picks
"My uncle’s WhatsApp forwards are more insightful than half the UN reports." — @UNreadable
"UN reports: 80 years of copy-paste diplomacy." — @DraftResolution69
"I downloaded a UN PDF once. My laptop sued me for emotional trauma." — @MandateFatigue
"Guterres said values are still relevant. Someone tell that to the peacekeepers in Congo playing Call of Duty IRL." — @BlueHelmetBoi
Final Thought
The UN isn’t dying. It’s just sleeping… under 80 years of accumulated PowerPoints, policy drafts, and passive-aggressive memos. While the world burns, they’re hosting Zoom seminars on inclusive fonts and non-binary border treaties. The reports may be unread, but rest assured—the inaction is very real.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
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“Ceasefires Sponsored by Bombs: The Peace Talks That Begin With Airstrikes”
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“When Dictators Host TED Talks: Motivational Tyranny from Pyongyang to Caracas”
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“Sanskrit in Space? The ISRO Proposal That Accidentally Triggered a Linguistic Holy War”
And Now...
👁️🗨️ This has been your weekly trauma-infotainment session. See you next outrage.
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