🔮Pager Bombs & Sympathy Crumbs: Hezbollah Gets a Puff Piece...
📰 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Explosive (literally)
*This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then it’s all gloves off.
In what might be the most misguided Pulitzer bid since CNN asked the Taliban for fashion tips, the Associated Press has published a full-length, soft-focus, tear-soaked elegy on Hezbollah members injured by Israel’s exploding pagers.
Titled something like "Hearts, Homes, and Hezbollah: The Tragedy of Terrorists with Burnt Thumbs," the piece attempts to paint rocket-firing militants as misunderstood boy scouts with beepers and bad luck.
The article opens with a dramatic image of a Hezbollah "religious teacher" who, while passing on spiritual wisdom to other armed radicals, happened to be holding a pager that exploded.
The AP mourns that the man lost three fingers and his vision, and then, in peak journalistic neutrality, confesses: "It was not immediately clear why he had one."
We’ll save you the suspense, AP: it wasn’t to check his Domino's Pizza order.
Tears, Trauma, and Tactical Errors
Among the AP’s interviewees was Mahdi Sheri, a 23-year-old Hezbollah fighter who lost an eye to an exploding pager while preparing to fire rockets at Israeli civilians. Instead of questioning his moral compass, the article mourns that he “no longer plays football" and feels sad because he's "too injured to be useful to Hezbollah." Truly heartbreaking. Next, we’ll hear how ISIS misses yoga class.
Other “victims” included children who handled their father's pagers and women wounded by proximity to devices owned by "relatives in Hezbollah." One young boy, a Hezbollah Scout (the jihadi version of Cub Scouts, now with 100% more martyrdom), lost several fingers and his eye. No mention of why his father had a pager. But it's OK, because the child was really good at Quran recitation. Totally normal. Totally tragic.
In case you were wondering whether any of these families questioned why their homes doubled as terror bunkers, don’t worry. The article skips that part entirely and moves straight to the sad music montage.
AP to the Rescue: Rehabilitating Rocket Men
The entire AP piece reads like a soap opera about misunderstood war criminals. It acknowledges, briefly, that Hezbollah admitted most of the casualties were indeed fighters. But no worries! There’s more emotional weight in the description of a woman lamenting her delayed career change than in Israel preventing another barrage of Katyushas.
One woman, photographed next to a poster of the late Hassan Nasrallah (yes, THAT Nasrallah), says her plans for a new career have been set back by her injuries. That career path was unspecified. We're guessing "infrastructure demolitionist" or "propaganda influencer."
Meanwhile, UN human rights officials immediately condemned Israel’s operation as "indiscriminate," proving once again that if the IDF fires a laser-guided toothbrush at a suicide bomber, someone at the UN will call it disproportionate.
Trump Comments:
"I always said beepers were bad, folks. Should’ve stuck with flip phones. The terrorists exploded, nobody talks about that. Israel did a tremendous job, BOOM, just like that."
"Back in my day, we had pagers for calling home, not detonating your cousin during lunch. SAD!"
"Hezbollah? More like Hezbo-LOL. Amiright? They lost fingers, I lost Twitter. Who suffered more? Think about it."
"These guys are playing Jihad Bingo with explosives. Israel's just cleaning up the board."
Top Comment Picks:
@NYCTaxpayer420: "So if I join Hezbollah and lose my pinky, do I get a NYT editorial too? Asking for a grant."
@ShalomSnapback: "Exploding pagers > Nobel Peace Prize. At least they achieve something."
@KaleIsNotBacon: "They blew up Hezbollah and I still can't get my printer to work. Technology is wild."
@FeministForF-35s: "Paging all journalists: when you glorify terrorists, don't be shocked when people unsubscribe."
@ArabicaBeanie: "The guy was teaching 'religion' to Hezbollah? So was Osama, but you didn’t call him a victim."
Final Thought:
If your source is Hezbollah and your angle is "but his football career!", maybe your editorial board needs a reminder that sympathy and stupidity aren’t synonyms.
Israel used exploding pagers to disable terrorists without bombing apartments. That’s not a war crime, that’s precision counterterrorism with nostalgia.
The real story?
Don’t join Hezbollah if you value your fingers, your future, or your family plan.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
"ISIS Demands Fair Wages: Unionizing the Beheaders"
"Hamas Launches GoFundMe for Martyr Makeovers: Now With Exploding Vests in Lavender"
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times!
Because when journalists hug terrorists, the headlines go BOOM.
or
Don’t pity the pager-holders. Pity the facts they blow up. Stay informed. Stay sarcastic. Only on WTF Global Times.
Comments
Post a Comment