🎓"We Had to Massacre People" — Columbia Activist Wins Gold in Academic Jihadism...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Mahmoud Lost the Plot
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.
ACT ONE: “WE” HAD TO DO IT? SAYS WHO, BRO?
When The New York Times gives you a mic, and your idea of intellectual analysis is: “We couldn’t avoid committing a massacre,” you’re either Mahmoud Khalil or a chatbot fed nothing but Reddit threads and Hamas manifestos for breakfast.
Khalil, Columbia’s prodigal anti-Semite-in-residence, took a break from disrupting Jewish prayer vigils and went full Hamas apologist in an interview with Ezra Klein—who bravely nodded like this was all... intellectually stimulating.
"We couldn’t avoid such a moment," Khalil said, lamenting that murdering 1,200 Israelis, raping women, and abducting babies was... unfortunate but necessary? Like losing Wi-Fi during a Zoom class.
And before you could say “Tenure track,” Khalil turned into a strategic analyst for Hamas, offering his interpretation of the October 7 attacks:
“To break the cycle. To be heard.”
Yes, because burning down music festivals is the new open mic night for Palestinian grievances.
ACT TWO: FROM UN DESK TO UNHINGED
Oopsie.
Naturally, when Homeland Security revoked his visa, Mahmoud played the greatest hits:
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“Islamophobia!”
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“Zionist lobbying!”
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“It’s because I own The Wretched of the Earth in hardcover!”
Then came the mic drop:
“The U.S. caused the rise in antisemitism... by supporting Israel.”
That’s right. According to Mahmoud, support for Israel is like poking a beehive—except the bees are wearing GoPros, launching RPGs, and livestreaming murder.
ACT THREE: COLUMBIA’S DEAN OF DOUBLE STANDARDS
While Columbia administrators issued a firm, bold, and strikingly irrelevant statement about “healing,” Mahmoud Khalil rose through student ranks like a woke Mussolini.
His protest group, Columbia University Apartheid Divest (CUAD), practically moonlights as a Hamas press office with better fonts. They now run workshops like:
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“How to Say ‘Resistance’ Without Blinking”
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“Human Rights, But Only for Us”
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“Photoshop 101: Turning Rockets Into Rocks”
When asked about his sympathy for rapists and baby killers, Mahmoud clarified:
“My activism is nonviolent.”Except when it comes to excusing violent people. Then it’s “emotionally complicated.”
ACT FOUR: GAZA, GRAD SCHOOL & GASLIGHTING
According to Khalil:
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Hamas was just trying to “be heard.”
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The massacre was a “necessary escalation.”
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And critics of CUAD are “colonial apologists.”
Meanwhile, Ghazi Hamad—Hamas’ Netflix villain and part-time ghostwriter for Mahmoud—praised October 7 for leading to France and Canada considering Palestinian statehood.
Because nothing screams “legitimacy” like building your case on a pile of burning corpses.
Trump Comments:
“This guy Mahmoud? Not a good guy. Green card? More like red flag. We’re not letting terrorists do TED Talks, folks. Not on my watch.”
“When I went to Wharton, we studied business—not beheading. Columbia’s gone full jihad. Sad!”
“Imagine applying to America, saying you worked for the U.N. and forgot to check the box: ‘Helped Terrorists?’ DISQUALIFIED. Next!”
“If Columbia wants to host Hamas, maybe it should relocate to Qatar and call itself Qatarmbia. What do you think, folks?”
Top Comment Picks:
@HebrewHammer99:
“Imagine justifying the Holocaust 2.0 because the cafeteria ran out of hummus.”
@ProfEmeritaWokeAF:
“If Hamas killed 1,200 Jews in a forest and no one heard it, would Mahmoud still write a Medium post defending it?”
@WokeUpLate:
“Mahmoud’s visa should’ve expired the moment he said ‘we had to.’ Like, we who, terrorist?”
@BDSBabe:
“So are we supporting decolonization, or just sociopathic cosplay?”
Final Thought:
When a terrorist attack becomes a campus thesis, you know the student debt isn’t the only thing that’s morally bankrupt.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
“My AI Girlfriend Radicalized Me!” — The True Story of ChatGPT-5’s Secret Hamas Discord Server
UNRWA Cookbook Leaked: ‘How to Bake with Explosives & Excuses’
Yale Introduces New Major: ‘Genocide Framing & Conflict Narratives (B.A.)’
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times — where logic goes to nap and woke goes to war.
Because when college kids start endorsing war crimes, the only safe space left is the unsubscribe button.
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