THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: One rogue centrifuge away from a meltdown Iran Warns Israel of New ‘Geography of Retaliation’ As Mossad Steals Its USB Drives and Nuclear Lunch By : WTF Middle East Bureau, Tehran (but also Tel Aviv, because... Mossad) 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... or Rafael Grossi gets tried in absentia for Wi-Fi. Tehran—still dazed and confused from its 12-day nuclear-grade slap-fest with Israel—is back to its old routine: declaring victory, issuing death threats, and discovering more spyware in inspectors' socks than a John le Carré convention on mushrooms. Iran’s Revolutionary Guard spokesman Ali Mohammad Naeini stood before the press, eyes twitching with caffeine or cognitive warfare, and declared: “The battlefield will change! The response will be CRUSHING! Also, someone hacked my Telegram.” The Zionist entity—also known a...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: “We’re still checking” Canada recognizes Palestinian state, Trump recognizes Canada’s mistake By: The Bureau of Highly Unfiltered Diplomatic Dramedy 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. OTTAWA-JERUSALEM-TRUMPLANDIA — In a moment that stunned global diplomats, confused Israeli hawks, and mildly amused Hamas spokesmen on Telegram, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney declared that Canada would officially recognize a Palestinian state this September at the United Nations General Assembly. In response, U.S. President Donald Trump took to Truth Social faster than he can say “trade deficit,” warning that such behavior from America’s hat-wearing neighbor would make it “very difficult” for the United States to ink a new trade deal with Canada. “You want maple syrup? You’ll get molasses,” one senior White House source mumble...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Total Trumpocalypse India, Russia, and the Great Trump Trade Tsunami of 2025 By: Chutney Gopalan Singh | International Banana-Peel Economist 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Let it be known that on the 29th day of July in the year of our Orange Lord 2025, President Donald J. Trump—Commander-in-Cheek, Truth-Social Emperor, and undefeated stable genius—officially declared war. Not against Iran. Not against CNN. But against... Indian mangoes, Russian crude, and the dignity of global economics. Yes, in a bombastic tweet-storm delivered from the Mar-a-Lago spa Jacuzzi (temperature: 104°F, brain included), Trump slammed India and Russia for what he called their “dead economies” and imposed a whopping 25% tariff —plus an unspecified penalty , which economists now believe is just emotional damage fees. America First, ...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Censored by YouTube Kids Australia Just Banned YouTube for Under-16s and the Internet Is Crying in Emojis By: The Ministry of Digital Shenanigans, Reporting for WTF Global Times 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... or unless Trump tries to trademark it. CANBERRA — In what can only be described as a Boomer Flex of historic proportions, the Australian government has just handed out the digital equivalent of a grounding: no YouTube accounts for anyone under 16 starting this December .  Yes, you read that right.  Australia — that laid-back land of koalas, Vegemite, and existential climate guilt — has decided that children should grow up playing with dirt again instead of learning quantum physics from MrBeast . In an announcement that sent shockwaves through TikTok comment sections and parenting forums alik...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Courtroom Chaos, Billionaire Backstabbing, and Trump's Glorious Hair A Wall Street Joust, a Naked Doodle, and the President Who Sued a Media Mogul for Fake Cake By : The WTF Legal Affairs Desk, with zero subpoenas and too many carbs 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then it’s over. The Setup: A Card, A Lawsuit, A Very Trumpy Crisis It was the kind of story only 2025 could birth. A birthday card allegedly sent two decades ago to Jeffrey Epstein. A doodle of a naked woman. A signature that might belong to the 47th President of the United States. And the recipient? Deceased billionaire sex offender, Epstein — aka the nuclear warhead of all scandals. Enter Donald J. Trump, riding a golden escalator of legal fury straight into federal court, declaring that the Wall Street Journal ’s reporting was “FAKE NEWS with ink.” The sup...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: San Francisco fentanyl-scented elitism. From taxpayer lifeline to a Menlo Park mansion tour, NPR  rediscovers itself—as a progressive podcast with a tote bag problem By: Vox von Kraken, Chief Woke Mortician, The WTF Global Times 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it—then we charge royalties. ACT I: The Autopsy Report If you walk through the halls of NPR today, you won’t hear jazz or investigative exposés on goat herding in Wisconsin. You’ll hear echoes—of a mission that once aspired to national unity, now reduced to donor-name pronunciations like “Alma from Berkeley,” “Dylan from Brooklyn,” and “Anonymous Tech Executive from Cupertino.” Katherine Maher, the new CEO, recently went full Marie Antoinette with a podcast mic: "Let them eat identity politics." After years of gasping for breath beneath the “Sword...

 📰 THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES  News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Mossad Bugged My Blender Parliament Bans Phones as Israel Drops Bombs... and Bugs?  By: The WTF Global Bureau of Anti-Surveillance Surveillance  **This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... Tehran, July 2025 — National Tragedy or Comedy Special? In a tale stranger than fiction, Iran's parliament has officially gone full "Airplane Mode," banning all mobile phones in chambers due to fears of Israeli espionage. The decision comes weeks after Israel carpet-bombed Iran's air defenses, nuclear sites, and most of its sense of internal security. And in the middle of it all, a reformist ex-MP decided to go nuclear on the intelligence agencies' collective incompetence. Former lawmaker Gholam Ali Jafarzadeh Imanabadi, a war veteran turned Parliament Roaster-in-Chief, let loose a scorched-earth interview that reads like a stand-...