💣Khamenei’s Karaoke Diplomacy: Threats, Theatrics, and Thermonuclear Tantrums...
Iran Warns Israel of New ‘Geography of Retaliation’ As Mossad Steals Its USB Drives and Nuclear Lunch
By: WTF Middle East Bureau, Tehran (but also Tel Aviv, because... Mossad)
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... or Rafael Grossi gets tried in absentia for Wi-Fi.
Tehran—still dazed and confused from its 12-day nuclear-grade slap-fest with Israel—is back to its old routine: declaring victory, issuing death threats, and discovering more spyware in inspectors' socks than a John le Carré convention on mushrooms.
Iran’s Revolutionary Guard spokesman Ali Mohammad Naeini stood before the press, eyes twitching with caffeine or cognitive warfare, and declared:
“The battlefield will change! The response will be CRUSHING! Also, someone hacked my Telegram.”
The Zionist entity—also known as "literally everything bad that happens" according to Tehran’s Supreme Leader-approved pamphlet—was warned it would soon experience “more fleeing and displacement” than during the 12-day war. For reference, that war left Iranian missile crews wondering why 70% of their launchers exploded in place like budget fireworks in a damp basement.
Naeini then clarified: “This isn’t a bluff. Unless Israel attacks again. Then it might be a poem.”
Meanwhile, Iran’s elite Quds Force commander Esmail Qaani reportedly snuck into Iraq under the radar for a desperate "unity tour" with militia leaders. Sources say he brought dates, drones, and a PowerPoint titled “Please Like Us.”
Intermission: A Few Things Iran Claims It Thwarted Last Month
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23 assassination plots.
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13 pre-assassination flirtations.
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1 Mossad-trained cat posing as an ayatollah’s emotional support animal.
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The entire NATO alliance plus “street thugs.”
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A monarchist rebellion plotted entirely on Clubhouse.
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Rafael Grossi’s left shoe.
While Israel was launching precision drone strikes inside Tehran like it was a TikTok trend, Iran’s Intelligence Ministry remained heroically confused but defiant. It accused a vast network of Baha’is, CIA poets, Zionist monarchists, and polyester-clad evangelical spies of trying to “overthrow the sacred Islamic Republic” by blinking suspiciously near military sites.
Kayhan—the Supreme Leader’s rage journal disguised as a newspaper—added fuel to the bonfire of delusion:
“The IAEA is a Mossad-CIA sleeper cell in lab coats. There were chips in their shoes! We saw the blinking lights! We smelt Zionism!”
When confronted with evidence of catastrophic intelligence failures, Iran responded with the classic Persian defense mechanism: declaring everyone else a hypocrite and then arresting some jazz musicians.
Trump Comments (direct from Truth Social)
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“Wow! Iran just admitted their shoes have spies in them. I always said sneakers were suspicious. I wear golf shoes. No chips. Just CLASS.”
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“Rafael Grossi? More like Gross-i! Weak. Sad. I met better inspectors at Mar-a-Lago. Called them the Golf Cart Ninjas.”
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“Canada supports a Palestinian State? BAD MOVE. I might have to tariff maple syrup until they apologize in English, French, and Farsi.”
Top Comment Picks:
Final Thought:
Iran’s leaders seem stuck in a loop: threaten, fail, deny, threaten again. The “new geography” of retaliation? Probably Google Maps, since their own missiles still use MapQuest. As the regime twitches between fantasy and fallout shelters, one thing is certain—Mossad's next op will probably involve a delivery guy and a karaoke machine.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
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"Hezbollah’s Therapist Speaks Out: ‘They Cried When Tel Aviv Didn’t Burn’"
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"Inside the UN’s Secret Plan to Replace Peacekeepers with Influencers"
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"BREAKING: North Korea Recognizes Palestinian State, Denies Existence of Oxygen"
[END TRANSMISSION – DO NOT SEND THIS TO THE IAEA WITHOUT A DISCLAIMER STAMPED BY A CAT]
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