🛢️Tariffs, Tantrums & Tandoori Trauma!...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
India, Russia, and the Great Trump Trade Tsunami of 2025
By: Chutney Gopalan Singh | International Banana-Peel Economist
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.
Let it be known that on the 29th day of July in the year of our Orange Lord 2025, President Donald J. Trump—Commander-in-Cheek, Truth-Social Emperor, and undefeated stable genius—officially declared war.
Not against Iran. Not against CNN. But against... Indian mangoes, Russian crude, and the dignity of global economics.
Yes, in a bombastic tweet-storm delivered from the Mar-a-Lago spa Jacuzzi (temperature: 104°F, brain included), Trump slammed India and Russia for what he called their “dead economies” and imposed a whopping 25% tariff—plus an unspecified penalty, which economists now believe is just emotional damage fees.
America First, Mangoes Last
“You wanna eat mangoes, pay the Trump price!” the president barked while sipping Diet Coke and high-fiving Eric Trump for successfully spelling “deficit.”
India’s “strenuous and obnoxious non-monetary trade barriers” apparently offended Trump’s economic chakras. While India offered to drop tariffs on Harley Davidsons and Kentucky bourbon, Trump responded by imposing tariffs on everything from generic paracetamol to Vishnu-shaped USB drives.
Meanwhile, in a move that can only be described as “Textbook Trump,” he announced an oil deal with Pakistan, claiming the country was sitting on “massive reserves of American greatness,” a statement geologists have yet to verify. “Who knows,” Trump wrote, “maybe Pakistan can sell oil to India someday!” — thus inventing economic Uno Reverse as a foreign policy doctrine.
India-Russia: Axis of Economically Average
Trump wasn’t done. Taking aim at Russia’s Medvedev (whom he called “the failed former President who thinks he’s still President”), Trump said, “Let them sink together. I’ll be too busy golfing.”
India, of course, responded diplomatically by announcing a high-level “Chai & Chill” meeting with US officials in Delhi, while simultaneously panic-Googling “how to trade in rupees, roubles, and divine intervention.”
Ground Reality: GDP’s Great Drama Parade
The stock market went into cardiac arrest for five hours. The rupee fainted. Economists screamed into their turmeric lattes. Nirmala Sitharaman allegedly threatened to throw a PowerPoint at Trump via drone.
Trump Comments
“I love India. Great food, great elephants, terrible tariffs.” — while trying to bite into a plastic samosa at the State Dinner.
“Russia has oil, but I have deals. Bigly ones. Ask Putin. Actually don’t, he’s rude.” — during a 4 a.m. Truth Social post tagged #StableGeniusEnergy
“Modi? Tremendous guy. But too much yoga. Needs to chill. Get a Whopper.” — Trump, possibly mistaking Narendra Modi for Deepak Chopra
Top Comment Picks
"Trump just imposed tariffs on my grandma’s turmeric milk. What next, sanctions on masala dosas?" – @WokeYogi69
"Can someone explain if Trump thinks India and Russia share a border? Or just vibes?" – @GeopoliticsButMakeItChaotic
"Breaking: India to retaliate by slapping 200% tariff on Trump NFTs." – @NehruInTheMetaverse
"First Op Sindoor, now Tariff Tamasha. Is this a season finale or foreign policy?" – @BollywoodForStatecraft
Final Thought
It began with a birthday card to Epstein (allegedly), escalated with tariffs, and ended with Pakistan dreaming of oil tycoon status. Trump's foreign policy has entered its Maximalist Masala Mayhem phase—and no spreadsheet on Earth is safe.
India and Russia might survive together. Or they might just launch a BRICS-branded cryptocurrency and ghost the dollar. Either way, Trump just added a whole lot of WTF to the world economy—again.
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