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News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Censored by YouTube Kids
Australia Just Banned YouTube for Under-16s and the Internet Is Crying in Emojis
CANBERRA — In what can only be described as a Boomer Flex of historic proportions, the Australian government has just handed out the digital equivalent of a grounding: no YouTube accounts for anyone under 16 starting this December.
Yes, you read that right.
Australia — that laid-back land of koalas, Vegemite, and existential climate guilt — has decided that children should grow up playing with dirt again instead of learning quantum physics from MrBeast.
In an announcement that sent shockwaves through TikTok comment sections and parenting forums alike, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese proudly declared, “We’ve had enough. This generation will learn about emotional trauma from their families, not algorithmic content feeds.”
The decision came after months of expert analysis, statistical hand-wringing, and one eSafety Commissioner who apparently had the terrifying experience of watching a YouTube Kids auto-play spiral from "ABC Phonics" to "Frozen Elsa Injects Spider-Man With Ketamine."
And with that... the ban hammer has struck.
THE GREAT AUSSIE DIGITAL OUTBACK: WHY DID THEY DO IT?
Australia, already the first country to put TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and X (formerly "That App That Elon Broke") under lockdown for under-16s, has now added YouTube to the Naughty List.
The ban doesn’t stop kids from watching YouTube entirely — they can still passively consume videos. But they won’t be able to comment, post, like, or get the deeply personalized recommendations that transform innocent viewing into 4AM deep dives into Mongolian throat singing.
PUBLIC REACTION: BETWEEN A LIKE BUTTON AND A HARD PLACE
Shockingly, 90% of surveyed Australians supported some form of “age assurance” for social media — likely because 90% of Australians have either a child or a niece who tried to livestream their hamster’s funeral on Instagram.
Meanwhile, 10% of kids reportedly cried, revolted, or started filing lawsuits from their iPads. Some took refuge on Twitch. Others turned to Minecraft, only to find that it too was now being monitored by Australian Digital Homeland Security — known locally as the eSafety Wizards.
In one corner of the country, a group of 14-year-olds reportedly held a candlelight vigil for the YouTube Comment Section, chanting, “First!” in mournful unison.
THE "SCHOOL OF LIFE" RETURNS
Now, with social platforms tightening up faster than Trump’s Twitter feed after a subpoena, the Australian government wants kids to “go outside,” “play sports,” and “talk to each other.”
Local schools are reintroducing classes like:
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"How to Make Eye Contact Without Vomiting"
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"Sarcasm 101: Offline Edition"
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and “Rewilding for Teens: Identifying Real Birds, Not Twitter Birds.”
Some parents, meanwhile, have gone rogue — smuggling VPNs and burner Gmail accounts to help their children access YouTube Shorts like it’s digital contraband.
MEANWHILE, IN TRUMPERICA...
In the good ol’ United States of Algorithms, President Donald J. Trump, now serving his second term with all the subtlety of a marching band in a porcelain shop, weighed in on Australia’s bold move.
Trump Comments
(A collection of Trump’s recent gems on this issue.)
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“Australia? Very nice place. I love their shrimp. But banning YouTube for kids? Sad. We need kids watching more Trump speeches on YouTube. It’s educational. I talk about history — like nobody else.”
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“If kids aren’t online, how are they going to see Truth Social memes about Crooked Joe Biden? Answer me that!”
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“Maybe we’ll ban Vegemite in response. Worst trade deal in history. Disgusting. I tried it once — worse than CNN.”
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“In my second term, we will launch YouTube Junior Trump Edition. Every video is a golf highlight or me saying tremendous things. Kids will love it. We’ll make playtime great again!”
Top Comment Picks from Australians and Netizens Worldwide
“So no YouTube until you're 16, but you're allowed to drive a car and fight spiders the size of your head? Okay, Australia.”– @BindiOnBroadband
“If I can't comment '💀' on cringe videos anymore, what's the point of living?”– @TeenWithNoOutlets
“I watched my son go from Bluey to a conspiracy video on lizard overlords in four clicks. This ban makes sense.”– @MumAgainstAlgorithms
“RIP algorithm. You helped me discover Japanese jazz, Mongolian techno, and a guy who deep fries his shoes for views.”– @WokeBoombox
Final Thought:
Australia may be setting a digital precedent here, a bold experiment in raising humans instead of content-producing screen zombies. While the move raises big questions — about freedom, tech responsibility, and whether kids should be banned from the Internet or just from making slime videos — one thing’s clear:
Next Week on The WTF Global Times:
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“Biden Accidentally Joins Roblox Thinking It’s a Town Hall”
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“North Korea Develops Rocket Fueled Entirely by TikTok Views”
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“China Bans Emojis Without State Approval: Only and Now Legal”
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“AI-Powered Toaster Begins Quoting Nietzsche; Declared a Security Threat”
WTF?
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