🤔Big Bang or Big Bluff?...

 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 13.77 Billion Degrees Kelvin

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👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.

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What if the Universe Never Began… and Trump Just Discovered It at Mar-a-Lago?

By: Theoretical Physicist Turned Satirical Evangelist, Dr. Quirk Quasarlight

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“Before the universe began, there was no time.

Then I was elected in 2016. Time restarted. You're welcome.” — President Donald J. Trump, speaking to astrophysicists at NASA, uninvited.

The Boom Before the Bang

Once upon a no-time, there was nothing, which is exactly the kind of thing people get tenure for talking about. The Big Bang theory tells us that the universe started 13.8 billion years ago, give or take a few milliseconds and a lot of Nobel Prizes.

But here’s the WTF twist:

What if it didn’t start at all?

What if, in true Trumpian fashion, the universe was just always here, squatting rent-free in spacetime, like a cosmic Mar-a-Lago?

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Georges Lemaître: The Belgian Priest Who Invented Creationism for Atheists

Before there was “The Big Bang Theory” (the science, not the sitcom or Sheldon), there was a Catholic priest named Georges Lemaître, who basically reverse-engineered the cosmos while everyone else was still trying to figure out why their socks vanished in the laundry.

He proposed the universe had a beginning, based on this crazy idea that galaxies flying apart must have once been together—an insight so obvious that it offended both the scientists and the theologians. Naturally, this makes him the perfect WTF icon.

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Science vs Creationism: Mortal Enemies or Star-Crossed Lovers?

Science: “Time began with the Big Bang.”

Religion: “Time began when God said, ‘Let there be time.’”

Trump: “Time began when CNN started losing ratings.”

And yet here we are, debating time like it’s a congressional bill. Physicists call it emergent. Theologians call it divine. Quora commenters call it “a human-made illusion based on entropy and the number of days since my last bad date.”

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The Big Bang Theory: Just a Fancy Name for “Oops, Something Happened”

According to physicist Dr. Alex Filippenko (whose name autocorrects to "Felipe Taco" on some phones), everything started when there was nothing—except for matter and antimatter doing the cosmic equivalent of a TikTok dance until one slightly messed up.

This imbalance, a.k.a. "the biggest Murphy’s Law incident in history," led to everything—including the Kardashians, cryptocurrency, and the Kardashians inventing cryptocurrency.

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But What Came Before the Bang?

Ah yes, the question that breaks all PhD candidates:

“What was there before the universe?”

“Where was the universe before space?”

“What time was it before time?” 

“Who was president before Trump? I forgot.”

Physicists say it’s like asking what’s north of the North Pole. Trump says it’s Canada and they owe him back taxes.

The reality? There are theories:

• Loop Quantum Cosmology: The universe bounces like a drunk kangaroo on an infinite trampoline.

• Eternal Inflation: It’s always expanding—kind of like government budgets and Elon Musk’s Twitter feed.

• Simulation Hypothesis: We’re just a test run for a 14-year-old alien coding final.

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The Mirror of Nothing: Can Zero Be Everything?

In philosophical terms, nothingness might not be “nothing.”

It could be zero-point energy, quantum foam, or the same thing you get when asking Congress to pass a clean bill.

In math, +1 and -1 cancel out to zero. So does matter and antimatter.

But remember: zero isn’t empty—it’s just potential chaos waiting to tweet.

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Trump Comments on Cosmology:

• “I know more about time than Einstein. I can stretch an hour-long press conference into 6 days of media coverage.”

• “The universe began when I was born. Sad to say, it got worse during the Obama years. But we’re making the galaxy great again.”

• “People say, ‘Sir, what was there before the Big Bang?’ I say: probably a very dishonest black hole—like Hillary.”

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Top Comment Picks

@QuantumKaren: "I tried to tell my son time is an illusion and now he’s late for school every day."

@FlatSpaceDanny: "Before the Big Bang, there was just me… watching reruns of ‘Ancient Aliens.’"

@RelativityStan: "I told my wife she looks younger than the universe. She said, 'Then treat me like I’m expanding.'"

@DarkMatterMama: "So we’re all made of stardust, but I still have to pay taxes? Rude."

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Final Thought:

Maybe the universe didn’t start at all.

Maybe it’s a loop, maybe it’s a lie, maybe it’s just Trump’s simulation and we’re stuck in one eternal season of The Apprentice: Quantum Edition.

The truth is, we don’t know.

But whatever it is, it’s deeply Weird, True & Freaky—and we’re here for it.

👁️‍🗨️ WTF: No filters. No fact-checkers. No dark energy fees.

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Next Week on WTF Global Times:

• “Aliens, Anunnaki & Area 51: Did They Invent AI to Cancel Us?”

• “Is Your DNA Republican? Geneticists Say Your Mitochondria Might Be MAGA.”

• “Jesus, Krishna & Schrödinger’s Cat Walk Into a Bar: A Quantum Comedy Special”

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🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

Where space expands, time collapses, and satire is the only constant.

Want to know what's before the universe?

Easy.

Our next issue. Stay tuned.