🧘Cold Neurons, Hot Souls & Trumpian Brainwaves: WTF Happened to Consciousness?...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
Because reality is too boring without a little delusion.
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it.
BREAKING: Consciousness Still Missing, Last Seen Near the Insula Cortex—Or Maybe at a Meditation Retreat in Oregon.
While President Donald J. Trump has once again declared “I have the best brain,” America’s neuroscientists are quietly having a full-blown midlife crisis. Not about Trump—but about their own brains. Or rather, the thing they thought they understood about them: consciousness.
After decades of poking electrodes into rodents, pushing undergraduates into MRI tubes, and offering TED Talks with graphics that look like psychedelic jellyfish, researchers are starting to say the quiet part out loud: “We still have no damn clue what consciousness is.”
Yes. After $37 billion in grants, 400,000 peer-reviewed papers, and an entire Netflix documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman’s voice in slow motion, it turns out the brain is less like a computer and more like... a fart in a fog machine.
“This Is Fine,” Say Scientists as Their Theories Spontaneously Deconstruct
Enter Dr. Eric Hoel—a brain researcher who once dazzled Tufts University with promises of reverse-engineering sentience but now seems more like he’s writing philosophy for stoned physics majors.
In his new book “The World Behind the World: Consciousness, Free Will, and the Frontiers of Science”, Hoel confesses that everything you’ve read about brain scans is probably garbage.
Yes, the same fMRI studies that claimed to detect “jealousy,” “love,” and even “the liberal brain” might just be measuring who had a strong espresso before the experiment.
“If your sample size is twelve undergrads, all sleep-deprived and horny,” says Hoel, “you’re not discovering consciousness. You’re discovering bad cafeteria food and caffeine-induced hallucinations.”
If You Think That's Bad, Wait Till You Hear About “The Drifting Brain”
Thanks to some smart folks at Israel’s Weizmann Institute, we now know that brain activity doesn’t stay in one place. It drifts. Like sand dunes. Or morals in Washington DC.
Today, your “fear center” might be in the amygdala. Tomorrow? Somewhere near your left eyebrow. Or Florida.
This “neuronal drift” means that even if you did identify where the emotion of “sadness” resides, it may have already packed its bags and moved to another cortical district. Probably for tax reasons.
fMRI = Fancy Machine Reads Inconsistency?
Hoel drops another brain bomb: most of what we know about brain imaging is a statistical illusion. Brain scans are so noisy and chaotic that researchers have to average the crap out of them to make any sense.
It’s like saying you discovered world peace by averaging all the wars.
In other words, when an article says “we found the love center of the brain,” what it really means is: “We shoved 16 psychology majors into a magnetic tube, played Coldplay, got weird results, and forced a headline out of it.”
Which, ironically, is also how most Vice documentaries are made.
Meanwhile, in the Land of Spiritual Antennas: Post-Materialists Enter Stage Left (with Incense)
While traditional scientists are busy melting down like consciousness itself, a group called the Post-Materialists has decided to go full Buddha on the matter—literally.
Professor Marjorie Walcott, ex-neuroscientist turned interdimensional sherpa, believes consciousness is primary, not the brain. In short: your soul is the Wi-Fi router; your brain is the cheap plastic casing from China.
She wasn’t always this way. Walcott was once a hardcore reductionist until one fateful meditation workshop in Oregon (where else?) where she felt “pure love flowing through her body.” Either that, or she confused ayahuasca with the chamomile.
Now she leads the Academy for the Advancement of Postmaterialist Sciences, a group that publishes papers somewhere between Nature and Hogwarts Yearbook.
“Reincarnation? Please. That’s Tuesday.”
Walcott points to stories like that of James Leininger, a Texas toddler who remembered dying as a WWII pilot and could name his shipmates and aircraft type. Which is more than we can say for 70% of Twitter.
And there’s O'Neill from Majdal Shams, a Druze child who spoke fluent British English at age two… without ever having been exposed to the language. Naturally, intelligence agencies blamed Netflix.
Their conclusion?
The soul is independent. It hops timelines like a Marvel character. Or maybe just skips over the DMV and reappears at Burning Man.
“Near-Death Experience” Now Upgraded to “Possibly Reliable Wi-Fi”
Another inconvenient fact for materialist scientists: patients with zero brain activity during cardiac arrest describe full out-of-body experiences, down to what shoes the nurse was wearing.
If the cortex was “dead,” who was taking notes?
Walcott’s answer:
“Consciousness exists without neurons.” Which frankly makes more sense than Kamala Harris’s speeches.
Quantum Woo or Quantum Whoa?
Walcott also brings up quantum entanglement as a possible way to explain global consciousness. You remember that EPR thing Einstein hated - The Einstein–Podolsky–Rosen paradox? Yeah, well, according to her, particles—and maybe even souls—can communicate instantly across space.
If quantum teleportation works on photons between Earth and satellites, why not between your third eye and your ex’s emotional state?
Still, the real question is: Are our neurons receivers of consciousness like antennas? Or are they just badly wired circuits binge-watching trauma?
Nobody knows. Which is why neuroscientists now gather at Burning Man with shamans, wearing lab coats ironically.
Trump Weighs In: “I Think. Therefore I Trump.”
President Donald J. Trump, who recently declared July 4th as “National Mind Power Day,” had a few thoughts on the issue:
“Look, I have a great brain. Everyone says it. Tremendous thoughts. The best consciousness. Obama tried to spy on my brainwaves in 2016. We caught them. Tulsi Gabbard knows. It’s in the dossier.”
Sources confirm Trump has asked NASA to explore “Consciousness Real Estate” on Mars and ordered DARPA to create “quantum entangled MAGA hats.”
WTF Conclusions: Consciousness Is a Cosmic Joke—And We're the Punchline
Let’s recap.
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The brain moves its operations like Starbucks rebranding locations.
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Brain imaging is more about vibes than verifiable truth.
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Your toddler may be a reincarnated fighter pilot.
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Your grandma’s near-death experience may be more real than CNN’s ratings.
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Consciousness might be floating through the universe, occasionally crashing into our skulls like a confused Uber driver.
And finally, your brain isn’t a computer. It’s more like a radio tuned to a cosmic frequency... that often glitches during Mercury retrograde.
So next time you forget where your keys are, or feel a sudden wave of sadness during a Coldplay song—don’t blame neurons. Blame quantum entanglement, reincarnated pilots, and maybe that guy from Harvard with the wild hair.
Comment Section (Open AI Minds Only)
“CortexKaren88”: So I’m not in control of my thoughts? Great. Tell that to my therapist.
“PastLifePaul1944”: Can confirm reincarnation. Was a pigeon in Rome. Terrible diet.
“QuantumLove420”: This article raised my frequency, bro. Vibing with the entanglement.
“TrumpTrainMindWave”: Tulsi exposed Obama’s brain scandal. LOCK THEM UP... metaphysically!
“DoomscrollDave”: So we don’t understand consciousness and reality is fake. Cool. I’ll be in the basement screaming into a mug.
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