👽Falun Gong & the Dharma of Dystopia...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Cosmic Cult Realness
By: Galactic Reporter, Lotus-Eyed Linda
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… in which case, all bets are off.
INTRO:
Once upon a time in Changchun, a man with supernatural powers, disco-level charisma, and a cosmic vision of truth, compassion, and forbearance introduced Falun Gong to a spiritually constipated China.
Thirty years later, it’s gotten banned in Beijing, headquartered in upstate New York, promoted Trump in 4K, and been accused of defeating communism one interpretive Shen Yun dance at a time.
So why is Russia now imprisoning women for meditating?
Why are journalists, organ harvesters, and software developers all part of this one movement?
Why does every Falun Gong protest look like the live-action version of an interdimensional yoga retreat?
And most importantly—why does Donald Trump keep showing up in their newspaper?
Grab your third eye and hold onto your Dharma Wheel—this is the WTF story of Falun Gong:
The mystical, misunderstood, media-savvy megafaith that Xi Jinping fears more than Winnie the Pooh memes.
THE CHI-RIFIC ORIGINS:
Before it was banned, Falun Gong was basically China’s national wellness plan. Cheap, spiritual aerobics. Founder Li Hongzhi, who reportedly could fly, teleport, and see the future (eat your heart out, Marvel), launched the practice in 1992.
It was qigong for the soul with a side of karmic debt accounting. Soon, Falun Gong claimed 70 million followers—more than the Communist Party itself. That’s when Beijing clutched its collective pearls.
By 1999, Jiang Zemin ordered a cosmic-scale crackdown.
The CCP labeled Falun Gong an “evil cult,” banned their texts, arrested thousands, and launched a propaganda campaign that made them out to be kung fu Voldemorts on LSD.
The West, naturally, said: “This seems excessive.”
Falun Gong fled into diaspora—and Dragon Springs was born.
DRAGON SPRINGS, NY: THE CULT COMPOUND OR SPIRITUAL START-UP?
Nestled in rural New York like a Shaolin Hogwarts, Dragon Springs is Falun Gong HQ.
The dance troupe Shen Yun trains here, practicing ballet with “Communism is bad” energy. Visitors are not allowed. WiFi is spotty. There are rumors of arranged marriages. And yet, this is the most prolific anti-CCP media machine outside Langley.
Fun fact: Their newspaper, The Epoch Times, writes more about Trump than Fox News does during impeachment season. Trump memes? Check. QAnon dog whistles? Check. Ads that say "Only Falun Gong Can Save the Soul of America"? Yep.
Honestly, it’s like if Fox News and Cirque du Soleil had a baby, and that baby learned kung fu and also hated atheism.
MEDITATION MEETS MAGA:
By 2016, The Epoch Times went full Trump.
Trump rallies? Covered.
Hunter Biden’s laptop? Exposed.
Chinese cyber demons controlling your 5G microwave? Definitely.
This became a vibe.
And Trump noticed.
In 2020, Donald Trump appointed Michael Pack—yes, the documentary guy with all the dramatic piano music—to the U.S. Agency for Global Media. Suddenly, Falun Gong’s software developers (Ultrasurf and Freegate) were getting millions in taxpayer dollars to help Chinese users bypass the firewall—and presumably also watch Falun Gong TikToks.
By 2025, Trump’s re-election was openly celebrated in Falun Gong circles as a divine balancing of Earth’s karmic spreadsheet.
TRUMP COMMENTS:
“I met these people. Wonderful folks. Tremendous chi. The best chi. They love truth, compassion, forbearance—just like I love loyalty, golf, and Mar-a-Lago.”
“Xi didn’t like them meditating in parks. Sad! I told Xi—let them stretch their arms. It’s not a military parade, it’s yoga with philosophy.”
“Shen Yun? I went once. Beautiful dancing. No drag queens. Just culture. Old school. Very classy. Maybe we should make it mandatory in California.”
RUSSIA: XI’S NEW ENFORCER?
In a dystopian twist, Putin’s Russia is now throwing Falun Gong meditators in jail—because apparently it’s easier than jailing oligarchs. In July 2025, Natalia Minenkova was sentenced to four years in a Moscow prison for the crime of…stretching slowly in public and believing karma exists.
Her crime?
“Participating in an undesirable organization.” Aka: breathing mindfully in Putin’s surveillance state while thinking anti-communist thoughts.
Activists say the timing was no accident: just days after July 20—the date Falun Gong persecution began in China in 1999. Xi Jinping and Putin had just held a “New Era” summit, which appears to involve shared spyware, guilt-by-meditation, and mutual admiration for censorship.
Russia has now banned Shen Yun, Zhuan Falun (the sacred text), and even art exhibitions that portray Chinese torture scenes.
Basically: No communism? No paint.
WTF HALL OF COSMIC CONTRADICTIONS:
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Falun Gong condemns homosexuality and feminism, but teaches tolerance and compassion.
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It warns against showing off powers, but founder Li Hongzhi casually mentions his third eye and teleportation skills.
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Their software Ultrasurf once helped Iranian dissidents... then got defunded... then re-funded by Trump.
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Shen Yun performances promote ancient values... using QR codes, LED backdrops, and Broadway fog machines.
TOP COMMENT PICKS:
@TantricKaren69: “Honestly I just went to Shen Yun to see Chinese ballet. Ended up learning about interdimensional beings stealing my chi through iPhones.”
@XiSaysHi: “Why is every authoritarian suddenly scared of yoga moms with divine wheel energy? What did they levitate?”
@FlatEartherFalun: “I left Scientology for this. Best decision ever. At least now I get free dance tickets and hate communism with purpose.”
@RussianYogi: “Meditated for 20 years. Still no powers. But I did get 4 years in prison. Does that count?”
FINAL THOUGHT:
In a world where AI hallucinates, governments persecute meditators, and cults run billion-dollar media empires out of a mountain temple near New York, Falun Gong sits at the intersection of the mystical, the political, and the just plain weird.
Is it a religion?
A movement?
A Chinese civil rights crisis disguised in pastel Shen Yun costumes?
Or just the first spiritual start-up with its own software team, dance brand, propaganda newspaper, and presidential endorsement?
Whatever it is, it’s banned in Beijing, blessed in MAGA-land, and apparently, now illegal in Putin’s Russia.
If the 21st century had a Facebook status, it would be:
“It’s complicated.”
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
Stay weird. Stay skeptical. Stay WTF.
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