🧯Fire in the Hole: Trump Burns $10 Million in Birth Control in France...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
USAID is dead, the pills are toast, and France just became the world’s most expensive incinerator
By: Lucille “Plan B” Babcock
HOW TO SET A FIRE TO GLOBAL FAMILY PLANNING, 2025 EDITION
In what might be the most expensive barbecue of the year, $10 million worth of U.S.-funded contraceptives—intended to prevent poverty, unwanted pregnancies, and large-scale teen dramas in the Global South—are now scheduled to go up in flames. In France. Literally. By order of President Donald J. Trump, the man who once said “we’re gonna make sex great again, but only for the married folks in Nebraska.”
Stored in Belgium since early 2025, the USAID-funded shipment of birth control pills and implants has now become the first confirmed casualty of Trump’s 2025 Operation Shut-It-Down, which obliterated the foreign aid program USAID with the same flair he previously used to cancel pandemic science and Chris Wallace.
Instead of being shipped to nations where contraceptives are scarce and teen pregnancies aren’t sitcoms, the White House gave the green light to burn them all. France, naturally, offered to host this orgy of medical cremation, perhaps thinking it was a vintage wine bonfire.
Cost to taxpayers for the incineration?
$167,000.
Cost to the world’s women?
Apparently irrelevant.
TRUMP COMMENTS (LIVE FROM THE SEX EDUCATION BANQUET)
“Why are we sending condoms to countries that don’t believe in gender?”
“I prefer abstinence-only aid. Best aid. I’m very into monogamy right now. Ask Melania.”
“They said the pills had my logo on them. TrumpBirth™. Huge success. Even the Pope called me.”
“France should be grateful. We gave them something to burn that wasn’t a church.”
“You want contraception? It’s called a cold shower. Works every time. Next question.”
A POSTMORTEM FOR USAID (AND MAYBE GLOBAL HOPE)
Here’s how it all spiraled:
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January 2025: Trump shuts down USAID, citing “budgetary bloat and deep state condoms.”
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February 2025: A shipment of contraceptives gets stuck in Geel, Belgium, caught between customs agents and a culture war.
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April 2025: Belgium tries everything short of dating apps to give the shipment a new home.
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July 2025: U.S. government rejects UN offers, NGO offers, and even Catholic guilt to move the supplies.
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August 2025: France says “Fine, burn it all. But we’re charging you by the truckload.”
HUMAN RIGHTS GROUPS: WE TRIED TO BUY THE PILLS, NOT THE PROPAGANDA
MSI Reproductive Choices, an NGO with actual adult goals like “not letting babies be born into famine,” offered to pay for the repackaging, remove the USAID labels, and cover shipment costs. Washington said non.
Even UNFPA—the United Nations’ reproductive agency—offered to step in. The Biden leftovers in the bureaucracy tried to delay, but Trump’s new Office of Womb Security said the government would only sell the contraceptives at full market value, which is bureaucratic code for “nah.”
According to Sarah Shaw, MSI’s Associate Director of Advocacy, “This isn’t about money. This is about ideology. And maybe erectile insecurity.”
THE BELGIAN BLUES: CONDOMS STUCK IN GEEL
The small Belgian town of Geel, best known for having more cows than citizens, was chosen to warehouse the abandoned bounty of global fertility control. Sources say the crates were stored next to expired cheese and 1990s NATO rations.
By mid-July, local authorities were practically begging Washington to take the pills back or donate them, even proposing temporary relocation to Luxembourg, which rejected them in fear of an unapproved sexual revolution.
Eventually, France stepped in, because if there’s one thing they love more than wine and existential dread, it’s burning things the Americans left behind.
THE IDEOLOGICAL PYROMANIA: BECAUSE SEX SHOULD BE RISKY AGAIN
To Trump’s America, foreign aid for birth control = globalist evil. The 2025 GOP platform now includes phrases like “life begins at conception” and “UNFPA sounds like a virus.”
Burning contraceptives has become a symbolic gesture, like pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord, or endorsing abstinence during a sex education conference.
To quote one anonymous White House staffer:
“It’s not just about burning the pills. It’s about sending a message: Keep your legs closed, and your budget tighter.”
INTERNATIONAL REACTIONS:
TOP COMMENT PICKS
FINAL THOUGHT: WHEN POLITICS LAYS PIPE—AND THEN BURNS IT
This isn’t just about pills, implants, and burned rubbers. It’s about a superpower’s obsession with moral signaling over humanitarian pragmatism.
Burning $10 million in contraceptives because they’re associated with a liberal-sounding aid program is the 2025 equivalent of lighting a joint to protest marijuana.
America just incinerated health, autonomy, and diplomacy in one flaming cargo load—and paid extra for the honor.
But hey, at least nobody got pregnant.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless burning $10 million worth of global birth control makes it into the next season of The Handmaid’s Tale: EU Edition.
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