🌬️O2 or Not O2? That Is the Respiration!...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
Why Humans Don’t Breathe Hydrogen, Even Though It’s the Universe’s Costco Free Sample
By: Dr. Shiv O'Plasm, Ph.D. in WTF Biology & Sacred Oxygenism
This query has confounded high school students, podcast conspiracy theorists, Flat Earthers, and at least one uncle at every Indian wedding for centuries.
A Quick Crash Course in Breathing for Those Who Failed Bio Class and Survived Anyway
When you breathe, your lungs take in air that's about 21% oxygen, and your body uses that oxygen to burn fuel (glucose) to create ATP, the energy currency that keeps your lights on and your memes scrolling.
So what does oxygen actually do?
It plays the role of the final electron acceptor in the Electron Transport Chain, a fancy name for the inner biological rave party inside your mitochondria. It accepts those electrons like your phone accepts a USB cable — and if it doesn’t plug in, your battery’s dead.
Hydrogen, on the other hand?
Yeah, we already have it. In our food. It’s part of carbohydrates, fats, water, bad decisions — it’s everywhere in compound form. But pure hydrogen gas (H₂) is a non-starter for respiration.
But Hydrogen Is the Most Abundant Element in the Universe!
True. And so is dust, but you don’t try to breathe it, do you?
Hydrogen wants to bond. It’s clingy. It’s basically the zodiac Cancer of the periodic table. So unless you’re doing deep-sea diving with experimental helium-hydrogen-oxygen mixes to avoid nitrogen narcosis (and also avoid life insurance), you’re not breathing hydrogen gas.
Also, explosions. Hydrogen plus oxygen in your lungs = living Hindenburg.
“But Can’t We Just Breathe Water Vapor Then?”
You can, if you're a sauna. But water (H₂O) is already oxidized — which means the energy has already been released. Trying to get energy from it is like trying to get juice from a squeezed lemon or dignity from a TikTok influencer.
You eat food with stored energy, breathe in oxygen, and your cells do oxidation reactions that release usable energy. It’s not spiritual. It’s not moral. It’s just chemistry.
Trump Comments: The Science Edition
“Look, people are asking why we don’t breathe hydrogen. Tremendous question. I asked my scientists — very smart, very blonde — they said if you breathe hydrogen, you explode. I said ‘Great, just like CNN!’”
“I once held my breath for 47 seconds to protest the Deep State. Very brave, very oxygen-efficient. Melania was impressed. I might be Brahman. Who knows?”
“If Sleepy Joe knew how mitochondria worked, maybe the economy wouldn’t be running on anaerobic fermentation. Total disaster.”
“Oxygen is American. Hydrogen is suspicious. Might be Chinese.”
The Real WTF: Why Oxygen?
Because it’s a highly electronegative element, meaning it really wants electrons. Like, Karen-in-a-Target-wants-a-discount level desire.
That’s perfect for your cells, which generate energy by moving electrons down a gradient to eventually land in the loving arms of oxygen. Boom — ATP made. Life continues. You get to read this article and question your degree.
Hydrogen? Not electronegative. Doesn’t do the job. Just floats around being light, explosive, and generally unhelpful unless you’re trying to fuel a future Mars colony or blow up a dirigible.
Cosmic Footnote: Did the Universe Screw Up?
Hardly.
The universe has its own priorities: stars, galaxies, entropy. Your need to understand why you don’t breathe hydrogen? Barely makes the syllabus. But we do know this:
-
Hydrogen fuels stars.
-
Oxygen fuels life (as we know it).
-
Twitter fuels nonsense.
-
You fuel this blog.
So thank you.
Top Comment Picks
Final Thought:
Inhale oxygen. Exhale carbon dioxide. Be grateful you're not a star that burns hydrogen and collapses into a black hole after a few billion years.
And if someone asks why we don’t breathe hydrogen?
Just smile, whisper “electron transport chain,” and walk away like a biochemical boss.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
Comments
Post a Comment