📌THAMIZHAGEDDON: When Tamil Spoke to the Cosmos and Sanskrit Was Still Buffering...
👁️🗨️ WTF Global Times
50% News. 50% Satire. 100% Mayhem.
Welcome to the greatest linguistic cage fight of the century: Tamil vs Sanskrit. No rounds. Just rage.
👁️🗨️ This blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless we find "WTF" etched on a pot in Keezhadi, which at this rate, we probably will.
By WTF Staff Writers | With reporting from Ground Zero: Keezhadi, Twitter, and a thousand Facebook threads
Keezhadi, Tamil Universe — It began innocently, as all linguistic battles do. One humble assertion: that Tamil is older than Sanskrit.
Then came the flood — Rig Veda reinterpretations, angry replies from pan-national Sanskritists, citations of Ambedkar (used like wildcards in a postcolonial UNO match), and somewhere in the middle, a poor AI in OpenAI’s servers quietly self-destructed trying to process the etymology of “Kumari.”
This is the Great Tamil-Sanskrit Internet Meltdown of 2025.
And as President Donald Trump tweeted just last week:
“I’ve seen a lot of fights. But this? This Tamil thing? It's like a spelling bee turned civil war. Rig Veda was written where? Afghanistan? Believe me, folks, we have people looking into it. Fantastic people.”
EPIC BATTLEFIELD: LEXICON VS LEXICON
Let’s rewind. The Rig Veda, widely hailed as the oldest sacred Indo-European text, composed by pastoral nomads in the Central Asian steppes, was supposedly sung to cows and gods before they migrated to India.
But Geetha Thirumalai and her online linguistic Avengers are not buying it. Her claim? That Rig Vedic speakers genetically merged with ancient Tamil speakers in the Ganga-Yamuna Doab and borrowed their entire civilization, tea recipes included.
Panini? He’s just a guy from ancient Afghanistan who tried to make sense of post-mix Tamil in his "Ashtadhyayi" before WiFi existed.
Brahmi script? According to Thirumalai & Co., Ashoka just stole it from the Thamizhi script like a schoolboy copying homework from the backbench Tamizh nerds of 300 BCE.
THE TAMIL MULTIVERSE: NOW IN 12,000 B.C.
Geetha’s blockbuster claim — based on select archaeologists, Ambedkar references, and the spirit of Paavaanar — is that Adichanallur (Tamil Nadu) was the mother of all civilisations.
"Adichanallur is 12,000 years old. Its people walked north, built the Indus Valley, and then crossed oceans to become the Babylonians, Minoans, and probably taught Atlantis how to dance Bharatanatyam."
According to her, the Keezhadi pot shards with squiggly Tamil markings prove not just the origin of writing but also early evidence of Facebook in pots.
Critics, of course, call it fantasy. One user, “@Arya_Sanskritam_88” posted:
“Next she’ll say dinosaurs spoke Tamil. Oh wait. She already did.”
SANSKRITISTS STRIKE BACK: “TAMIL IS FAKE NEWS!”
Sanskrit loyalists, meanwhile, are breathing fire.
They say:
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Sanskrit is the root of almost all North Indian languages.
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Hathibada and Ayodhya inscriptions (200–185 BCE) are earliest Sanskrit writings.
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Cholas named their kings “Rajaraja” and “Rajendra,” and didn’t exactly sound like Pongal vendors.
Some argue: Sanskrit influenced SE Asia, not Tamil. To which Team Thirumalai responds: “Nope. Pallava script. Boom.”
One particularly fired-up commenter from Gujarat claimed:
“Tamils claim everything. Soon they’ll say Lord Rama was a Tamil. Oh wait. They did.”
PERIYAR, PAA, AND POST-TRUTH PURISM
And then came the nuclear Tamil button: the ghost of Periyar. Like Gandalf with a lungi, he was invoked by both sides.
His alleged dream? A secular Dravidian utopia under reformed Islam with better beards and temple-free marriage registrars. According to one archive:
“Dravida Nadu shall live happily under Muslim rule because Muslims are Dravidians.”
Cue: Hindu Right Wing going WTF. Sanskritists began burning PDFs. Paavaanar’s ghost was last seen shaking his head near Mahabalipuram.
KUMARI: THE WORD WAR
It all boiled down to one girl — or more precisely, the word “Kumari.” The question: Is “Kumari” Tamil or Sanskrit?
Team Tamil: “Kummu is the root. It means to mature.”
Team Sanskrit: “It’s in all our texts. And it predates WhatsApp forwards.”
Team WTF: “Please stop. We can’t take it anymore.”
LINGUISTIC INFERNO: WTF COMMENTS SECTION
ThamizhanUltra9000: “I heard Trump is learning Tamil. True news. Keezhadi has proof.”
Aadhavan (still suffering): “I just wanted to know what script came first. Now I’m caught between Kumari and Kumudini.”
Pradeep Kumar: “South Indians lived in jungles. Magadh was king. Tamils got writing from us.”
Geetha Thirumalai: “Your Brahmi is our Thamizhi with a wig. Deal with it.”
Spdf: “Dravidian is a made-up word. Like Hogwarts. But without wands.”
Sankaran Murthy: “Ambedkar said many things. Don’t quote him unless you agree he also disproved Aryan Invasion Theory.”
Dostovesky: “Cholas were Suryavanshi. They did yagnas and were Shiv bhakts. Tamils are Hindus. Accept it or Periyar will haunt you.”
WTF Editorial Note: “We ran this article through a quantum computer. It became self-aware and now speaks only in Tamil.”
THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD
This isn’t about Tamil or Sanskrit anymore. It’s about identity, pride, politics, and algorithmic history.
In the absence of carbon-dated clarity, WhatsApp threads and YouTube scholars have filled the void with poetry, rage, and Google Docs.
And while the West debates AI, India debates whether ancients programmed the Matrix in Thamizhi or Brahmi.
TRUMP REACTS
"Incredible language. Huge respect. Rig Veda written in Afghanistan? I always said — they owe us money for that. But this Tamil thing... tremendous. They invented writing? Very believable. I mean, we’ve got Chuck E. Cheese, they’ve got 12,000-year-old pottery."
WTF CONCLUSION
So what have we learned?
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Tamil is definitely ancient.
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Sanskrit is also ancient.
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But online comment sections are more radioactive than both combined.
In the end, the greatest proof of India’s intellectual legacy may not be Vedas or Sangam texts… but the sheer stamina of Indians to fight about them in comment sections for 7000 years.
WTF Bonus Quote
“If Ambedkar said it, it must be true. If he didn’t, we’ll find a way to make him say it anyway.” — Internet Scholar, 2025.
Next Issue: Was Jesus speaking Tamil in Nazareth? Is Siri just a corrupted version of “Shri”? Did Rama build the pyramids? Is the iPhone based on a lost Chola coin? Stay tuned... Don’t miss it. Or Ravana might tweet.
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