🩸The Curious Case of John the Baptist’s Head: Prequel Prophet or Post-Credit Scene?...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
Did Jesus Get a Spiritual Head Start by Editing John’s Exit? Welcome to the Gospel Multiverse.
WTF?
Once upon a dusty decade in Roman-occupied Judea, two desert-dwelling dudes emerged with wild eyes, unruly beards, and a shared passion for shouting near rivers. One ate locusts. The other turned water into Merlot. One got decapitated. The other got crucified.
But here’s the kicker:
Was John the Baptist actually killed after Jesus?
That’s the juicy plot twist historians and gospel skeptics are gossiping about in every dusty blog comment thread from Galilee to Gainesville. And the answer, like all great theological debates, involves dodgy dates, dramatic reboots, and ancient public relations wizardry.
Josephus vs. the Gospel Writers: Who Shot First?
Flavius Josephus, the Roman Empire’s gossip columnist with a PhD, claimed that John the Baptist was executed by Herod Antipas after gaining a suspiciously large following—around 36 CE.
The Gospel writers? They couldn’t have that. Their holy cinematic universe required Jesus to be the spiritual sequel, not the weird spinoff. So what did they do?
Simple. They killed John off early, Game of Thrones style.
In the canonical cut, John is decapitated mid-ministry, post-baptizing Jesus, and reduced to a narrative springboard for Christ’s rise. Like a red-shirted Starfleet officer on the Gospel Enterprise, John dies nobly—so Jesus can ascend divinely.
But what if that was... a retcon?
John the Baptist: Rival Messiah or Narrative Roadkill?
Here’s the real theological tea:
John the Baptist had clout. He had followers. Big ones. Unbaptized influencers. TikTok prophets before TikTok. Some even say Jesus began as John’s disciple, possibly borrowing more than just a splash of holy water.
If John had survived past Jesus’ crucifixion, things would get messy. Imagine having a living prophet running a parallel brand. You can’t build a church when the old CEO is still dunking people upstream.
So the Gospel authors, in their infinite marketing wisdom, did the ancient equivalent of “killing off Steve Jobs so Tim Cook looks like a visionary.”
Gospelgate: Why This Was the First Spiritual PR Campaign
It wasn’t malicious. It was strategic.
By the time the Gospels were written (decades after both men were dead), there was a theological arms race. Jesus needed to be The One, NOT One of the Ones.
Hence, the narrative shifts:
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John starts declaring, “I must decrease so He can increase.”
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Jesus says John is the greatest man born of a woman (…which is all of us, but go off).
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And suddenly, John’s disciples become supporting characters in a story they never agreed to co-write.
It was the world’s first case of spiritual IP theft.
Trump Comments (Live from Jerusalem 2.0, Texas)
“Frankly, I love John the Baptist. Great guy. Very baptize-y. Tremendous beard. But let’s be honest, Jesus had better branding. Wine? Fish? Health plan with eternal life? Huge.”
“I told the Vatican, if John was alive today, they’d call him a conspiracy theorist. Dunking people in rivers without a permit? Sleepy Biden's government would have shut him down fast. Never me”
“People are saying—and I’m just repeating this—they’re saying Josephus was the first fake news historian. I don’t know. I’m not saying it. But I’m saying it.”
Alternate History: What If John Lived?
Imagine this:
Jesus dies. Resurrection buzz is high. The apostles are confused. And bam—John reappears, still alive, still baptizing, and still very much NOT ready to hand over his followers.
It would fracture the early Jesus movement. You’d have Team Baptist vs Team Christ. #WhoDunkedItBetter would trend on 1st-century Twitter.
Early Christianity might’ve ended up like Hinduism: dozens of sects, every temple fighting over who the real Son of God™ is, and one group claiming John was actually an alien.
Which, let’s face it, would be way more fun than church.
Comment Pick Highlights
@QumranScroll69: Bro, if John was Jesus’s cousin, why didn’t they do a family collab? “Cousins in Christ” tour 30 CE. Merch would’ve been fire.
@NotActuallyBartEhrman: I just want a proper Gospel timeline that doesn’t feel like a Netflix series written out of order.
@JesusStan24: Y’all are sleeping on John’s fit. Camel hair and locusts? That’s peak desert-core fashion.
@PaulButMakeItWeird: We really turned a Jewish doomsday preacher into a cosmic time lord. Christianity is fanfiction that got out of hand.
Why It Still Matters
This isn’t just some dusty theological trivia. It’s about how religions are made—with edits, politics, and the occasional beheading.
It reminds us that history is always written by the survivors, or at least the ones who died more dramatically.
If John had a better press team, he might’ve ended up as the messiah.
Instead, his head ended up on a platter, and Jesus got the franchise rights.
You know what that means?
Jesus had better PR.
Final Thought
In the end, maybe John’s role wasn’t stolen—it was streamlined.
In Hollywood terms, he was the gritty indie prophet who got absorbed into a larger cinematic universe. Like Ant-Man with fewer ants and more dunking.
But the question remains:
Was John killed off too early for narrative convenience?
Or did someone just really want his head on a silver charger?
The truth may lie buried in a Judean cave… or in your next existential crisis.
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