✝️The Great Vanishing: When Jesus Took Off Without a Ticket...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
If the Ascension Really Happened, Why Didn’t Anyone Bother to Mention It for 40 Years?
By: Apostle T. Doubtington, Chief Gospel Skeptic and Cloud-Watching Analyst
Holy Smoke or Just Hot Air?
Ladies, gentlemen, and Messianic meme enthusiasts, welcome to the greatest disappearing act in religious history:
The Ascension of Jesus Christ™.
An event so miraculous, so monumental, so... forgotten, that three out of four Gospel writers skipped it entirely.
That’s right. According to modern defenders, the Ascension is real, historical, sacred — and totally missing from Mark, Matthew, and John.
Even Paul, the man who would write an epistle to a salad if it meant more converts, forgot to mention it clearly.
So what gives? Did Jesus forget to file his flight plan with Heaven's FAA? Or was this less “miracle in the sky” and more Iron Age fan fiction with bad continuity edits?
Decades of Divine Delay
Let’s start with a basic question that every Sunday School kid should ask:
How many decades passed between the Ascension and the first Gospel account of it?
Answer: More than a few. Maybe even enough to forget it happened.
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Paul was writing letters by the 50s CE — no Ascension in sight.
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Mark, our earliest Gospel, showed up around 70 CE — no Ascension either.
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Matthew and John? Written later, still no lift-off.
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Only Luke, writing after these guys, gives us a brief scene — then doubles down with a very different version in the Book of Acts. And both accounts contradict each other like a couple on the verge of holy divorce.
The Gospel According to Who?
Let’s roll out the scrolls and examine our star witnesses:
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Paul: Never met Jesus in person, but somehow met the “resurrected” one in a vision. Didn’t mention the Ascension. Apparently, he got ghosted.
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Mark: Wrote the earliest Gospel. No Ascension. Just an empty tomb and confused women. Possibly a deleted scene?
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Matthew: Invented magic stars, zombie parades, and royal genealogies — but no Ascension. Maybe he ran out of scroll space?
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John: Literally wrote, “Jesus said, ‘I am ascending to my Father,’” but gave no actual scene of the ascension. Just... vibes.
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Luke: Created two completely incompatible versions. In one, Jesus zips to Heaven on Easter Sunday from Bethany. In the other, 40 days later from a secret mountain with cloud theatrics and angels who apparently moonlight as motivational speakers.
Which one is canon? Whichever got more TikTok likes, apparently.
(Funny) Trump Comments
“I’ve seen better ascensions. I have elevators in Trump Tower that go higher. No angels, but we’ve got Ivanka.”
“If I disappeared into the sky, believe me, Fox News would’ve covered it. Bigly. The biggest ratings since Moses split CNN in half.”
“People say Jesus floated up. I say — fake news! I’ve flown Air Force One. Much smoother.”
“We’re reopening Heaven under my administration. No more 2,000-year bans. It’s a total disaster what the Democrats did to the Ascension!”
Crowd Control: Where Were the Witnesses?
According to Acts, there were “many” witnesses to the Ascension — some say 100, others say 500.
That’s a big crowd. You’d think at least one of them would leave a Yelp review. A mural. A poem. A clay pot with a doodle of Jesus moonwalking upward. Something.
Instead, what do we get?
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Zero mentions in contemporary Roman history
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Zero mentions in Jewish records
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Zero mentions in Christian texts for nearly a century
It’s as if the Ascension was... added later. Like DLC for a video game no one plays anymore.
Gospel Editors: The Original Marvel Writers?
Let’s be real. The Ascension reads like the closing credits to a movie trilogy that got one too many rewrites.
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Original ending (Mark): Fade to black. Tomb empty. Women run.
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Special Edition (Luke): Jesus blesses disciples, floats up from Bethany like David Blaine.
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Expanded Universe (Acts): Jesus chats for 40 days, tells his followers to stay tuned, then rockets into a cloud with two angels doing PR damage control.
It’s like watching the same event get retconned by different scriptwriters who didn’t check each other’s drafts.
Top Comment Picks
Final Thought: Christianity’s First Plot Hole?
If the Ascension happened, why the divine silence?
You don’t just float into the clouds like a holy weather balloon and have nobody write about it for 40 years — unless it didn’t happen, or people didn’t care, or the editors realized their draft was missing a finale and said, “Quick, throw in a cloud scene!”
So maybe there was no Ascension. Or maybe, just maybe, the early church didn’t need one... until it did.
In the end, the biggest miracle wasn’t Jesus rising — it was how many people believe it without asking why no one else saw it.
That level of faith, blind or bold, has moved empires and rewritten calendars.
It’s a testament not to evidence, but to the enduring power of belief itself.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Holy Spirit starts quote-tweeting Luke’s contradictions from a verified cloud account.
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