🛑Trump, Epstein & the Great Ink-Stained Mystery...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
When Mar-a-Lago met Lolita Island—and everyone lawyered up faster than you can say "redacted"
By: Ivana File-a-Lawsuit
INTRO: THE LIST THAT DOESN’T EXIST (BUT EVERYONE’S ON IT)
In a turn of events so predictably bizarre it could only happen in 2025, the DOJ, Epstein’s ghost, Pam Bondi, and Donald J. Trump have all entered the same sentence without the FBI going full Men in Black on your memory.
Here’s what went down:
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The Wall Street Journal, that paper for nervous billionaires and guilty libertarians, dropped a bombshell.
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According to “unnamed senior administration officials” (read: Steve who used to bring Diet Coke), Trump’s name appears multiple times in the Jeffrey Epstein files.
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Trump reportedly said, “What files?”
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Pam Bondi said, “Those files.”
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The DOJ said, “Don’t worry, you’ll never see them.”
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America said, “WTF.”
In short: The most radioactive documents on Earth, allegedly featuring the most powerful men in the world—including the current President of the United States—have been quietly buried under a red-white-and-blue rug of bureaucratic denial, legal tape, and one suspiciously erotic doodle.
THE GREAT PAMPHLET OF PERVERSION: DOJ EDITION
Let’s break it down.
Earlier this year, Attorney General Pam Bondi—yes, that Pam Bondi—told Trump that his name was in the Epstein files during what was described as a “routine briefing.” (Because in 2025, being casually told you’re in a billionaire pedophile’s archive is “routine.”)
Then came the plot twist: the DOJ said they wouldn’t release the files because they contained:
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“Child porn”
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“Personal victim information”
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And most importantly, "no client list"
Translation:
The dog ate the homework, but also it never existed, but also it’s too evil for your eyes, but also trust us.
EPSTEIN'S ART COLLECTION: NOW WITH PRESIDENTIAL PUBES?
The WSJ claims to have found a letter from Trump to Epstein for his 50th birthday, complete with a crude drawing of a naked woman. The drawing, allegedly, used Trump’s signature as the pubic hair. (And you thought NFTs were cringe.)
Trump responded with a furious lawsuit against:
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Rupert Murdoch
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The Wall Street Journal
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Dow Jones
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The reporters
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The paperboy
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And possibly, every squiggly line in America
THE DENIAL ROULETTE: WHO’S SPINNING WHAT?
The administration says Trump’s never been told his name is in the files.
The Journal says Pam Bondi told him in a PowerPoint titled “You’re Screwed (Slide 3: Page 42)”.
Pam Bondi says nothing, which is usually a sign someone’s definitely lawyering up or awaiting divine fax confirmation.
Meanwhile, the DOJ insists there’s no Epstein “client list”, despite literally everyone from Reddit to Rita Skeeter knowing one exists and that it probably doubles as the Illuminati’s annual guest list.
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL: ONCE A PAPER, NOW A PUBIC HAIR ALBUM
Once the pride of financial journalism, WSJ now finds itself at the center of an anatomical controversy that involves speculative erotica, presidential handwriting analysis, and national security clearance for cartoon breasts.
Somewhere, Rupert Murdoch is eating dry toast in Malibu and muttering, “I should’ve just sold to the Saudis.”
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER NAMES?
The Journal says hundreds of names are in the files. No one knows who they are.
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Could be Bill Gates (allegedly wore socks on the island—dangerous deviance)
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Could be Stephen Hawking’s ghost (also allegedly visited the island)
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Could be a sentient AI named Glorb (2025 is wild)
But we’ll never know. Because the DOJ said:
“Trust us. This list never existed. And if it did, it definitely doesn’t now. And if it does, it’s sealed tighter than Hunter’s laptop.”
TRUMP COMMENTS (LIVE FROM HIS GOLD TOILET)
“I don’t draw. I don’t even doodle. I sign things. Beautiful signatures. I never drew a boob in my life.”
“That letter? Looks like Joe Biden drew it. It’s a Sleepy Sketch. Crooked, sleepy, communist ink.”
“Epstein was at my club. But guess what? Bill Clinton was on the plane 800 times. Nobody talks about that. Ever.”
“Pam Bondi told me I’m innocent. And very handsome. Did you hear that, Rupert?”
“I sued the Journal. Sued Rupert. Sued the crayons. We’re going to win bigly. Defamation? More like Epstein-nation.”
“I don’t draw. I don’t even doodle. I sign things. Beautiful signatures. I never drew a boob in my life.”
“That letter? Looks like Joe Biden drew it. It’s a Sleepy Sketch. Crooked, sleepy, communist ink.”
“Epstein was at my club. But guess what? Bill Clinton was on the plane 800 times. Nobody talks about that. Ever.”
“Pam Bondi told me I’m innocent. And very handsome. Did you hear that, Rupert?”
“I sued the Journal. Sued Rupert. Sued the crayons. We’re going to win bigly. Defamation? More like Epstein-nation.”
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FINAL THOUGHT: THE BOOB THAT SHOOK THE REPUBLIC
In 2025, the only thing more dangerous than being on the Epstein list is pretending it never existed.
Trump might be innocent. He might be entirely unaware. Or he might be drawing naughty cartoons with national security implications.
What’s undeniable is this:
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The DOJ knows something.
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The WSJ knows something.
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Pam Bondi definitely knows something.
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And we, the public, know one thing:
There’s no client list—except the one everyone’s lying about.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not profanity. Unless the Wall Street Journal starts running hentai op-eds. In which case, we’re launching a lawsuit, a newsletter, and a limited-edition coloring book
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