🍿As Europe Plays Pretend with Palestinian Statehood, Hostages Beg for Food on Camera...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Starved, Screamed & Sanctioned
Recognize THIS, Carney!
The Two-State Delusion Hits New Lows — Now with Bonus Starvation Porn!
In the latest episode of International Cognitive Dissonance: Deluxe Edition, Canada, the UK, and France—three countries with thriving Starbucks diplomacy—have boldly declared their moral superiority by recognizing a Palestinian state… one day after Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad released two emaciated Israeli hostages on video, looking like they’d just survived a North Korean juice cleanse in a medieval dungeon.
Rom Braslavski and Evyatar David, both kidnapped during Hamas’ October 7, 2023 rave-turned-raid, were paraded like haunted scarecrows on terrorist Telegram channels just as European diplomats finished congratulating themselves over brunch.
And yet, as if choreographed by a Bond villain’s intern, the footage dropped within 24 hours of official announcements by Ottawa, London, and Paris calling for “a peaceful two-state solution.” This timing was so awkward, even the Ayatollahs probably cringed into their turbans.
Hunger Games: Gaza Edition
The video of 21-year-old Braslavski showed a man whose cheekbones had gone full IMAX. His mother broke down on Israeli TV:
“Rom does not cry. If he is crying… it is because they broke him.”
Meanwhile, 24-year-old Evyatar David, also kidnapped from the Nova music festival, looked like he had just lost a wrestling match with famine. His bones had more screen time than his voice. If this is Hamas’s idea of PR, then their media team must’ve trained at Guantanamo School of Branding.
The international community, known for reacting with extreme caution to genocidal parades, responded to these hostage videos with their signature move: an aggressive shrug.
Western Recognition of a Paper State: Bold or Brain-dead?
President Trump was, as always, direct:
“You don’t reward terrorists with a country. You reward them with orange jumpsuits and no Wi-Fi.”
Israel echoed the sentiment, though with fewer golf metaphors and more drone strikes.
The logic seems inverted. You’d think hostage torture videos would be the end of statehood talks. But in 2025, logic is optional, and vibes are foreign policy. At this rate, Hamas could nuke Tel Aviv, and the EU would still respond with an Instagram post of the Eiffel Tower in “Free Palestine” lights.
664 Days in Hell, But Sure—Recognize Hamas
Let’s recap:
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Over 1,200 Israelis were butchered on October 7.
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Over 53,000 Gazans have died (including terrorists, civilians, and “suspiciously armed UNRWA math teachers”).
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Hostages are being starved, tortured, and psychologically tormented.
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Hamas has rejected every ceasefire offered in the last 18 months.
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Israel claims 20 hostages are still alive. 50 more are presumed dead in captivity.
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The Palestinian Islamic Jihad has declared directly to camera that “Braslavski’s fate is now unknown.”
And in response?
Canada sends flowers and a flag.
The UK sends a sternly-worded op-ed.
France probably surrendered something symbolic.
TRUMP COMMENTS — 2025 Edition
“I told Bibi: These videos? Horrible. Heartbreaking. If they showed one in Canada, Carney would still vote Hamas 2025.”
“I don’t do hostage videos. I do rescue ops. You want your citizens back? You don’t cry on X — you drop Marines.”
“Recognizing a Palestinian state during a hostage crisis? That’s like giving Al Capone the keys to the IRS building.”
“We dropped pamphlets before bombs. These guys drop bones before ballots.”
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Final Thought
If you recognize a terrorist-backed pseudo-state while hostages are still being starved on camera, you’re not supporting peace — you’re just rebranding horror.
It’s 2025. And apparently, starvation footage qualifies as political currency.
Europe sends hashtags. Hamas sends videos. The hostages send nothing. They can’t even move.
But hey — at least the EU got a new hashtag campaign. #StatehoodAndSkeletons
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