👴Biden’s Team Threatens to Unleash ‘WTF Files’ If Kamala Spills About 2024 Debacle...

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 🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Chardonnay-soaked panic with a WAP backbeat

Kamala Confidential: Chardonnay, Chaos & #SlayForTheSlain

By: Tequila Moxie | VP of Vice Presidential Investigations & Solar Eclipse Surveillance Unit

👁️‍🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it, in which case we’ll rebrand to “Wudhu, Tarot, & FOMO.”

Bidenworld’s Nuclear Option: Kamala’s Greatest Hits

As 2025 unfolds like a leftover ham sandwich in the sun, whispers swirl across Washington like Pelosi’s leftover hairspray. The Biden Loyalists—what remains of them, huddled in Delaware basements and behind Dr. Jill's orchid collection—are reportedly ready to unleash Operation: WAP Files if Kamala Harris’s upcoming memoir 107 Days dares to imply Joe Biden was anything less than sharp, vibrant, and fully aware of his surroundings during the 2024 campaign.

And who could blame them? Kamala’s polling was slightly below “influenza” by November, and she lost to Donald J. Trump after a 3-week sprint that involved more awkward TikToks than campaign stops.

Now Biden’s team is warning: If Kamala tries to blame Joe, they’ll go full Palin-on-steroids, leaking stories so deranged they make Veep look like The West Wing.

Nine Stories So Absurd, They Can Only Be 100% True (According to WTF)

1. The Dwarfgate Dinner Rehearsal
When Harris’s staff learned Bloomberg and Robert Reich were attending a DNC donor dinner, Kamala greenlit hiring actual circus dwarves to practice “authentic short-person mingling.” One staffer described the scene as “Snow White meets Sorkin, but with more wine sloshing.”

2. Chardonnay in the Situation Room
Multiple Secret Service agents confirmed Kamala was found passed out—twice—at the Resolute Desk, mid-fantasy military exercise. She reportedly yelled, “We invade Yugoslavia at dawn!” and tried to order kung pao chicken from NORAD.

3. McKamala’s Time-Travel Uniform
She spent $400K in taxpayer funds to recreate a 1983 McDonald’s uniform—professionally aged to include “ketchup trauma.” She never wore it publicly after Tim Walz used it to mop up a Code Brown incident at a Minnesota 7-Eleven.

4. WAP at the DNC
Kamala pitched a Cardi B/Megan Thee Stallion performance of “WAP” as an ode to “Workers And Progress.” She planned to have Lizzo and Eugene Daniels twerking beside a papier-mâché replica of Project 2025, with Ella Emhoff making out with Dylan Mulvaney on a rotating stage called “The Diversity Pod.”

5. The Eclipse Meltdown Interview
She tried to cancel an NBC interview with Lester Holt citing “sky hostility” during a solar eclipse and the Taurus-Gemini moon transition. Meanwhile, Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff was allegedly heard bragging about motorboating Hoda Kotb in 2004.

6. TSA But Make It Spiritual
At the White House Christmas party, Kamala drunkenly cornered Pete Buttigieg and proposed mandatory TSA hugs, positive affirmations before pat-downs, and optional spoken-word poetry during body scans. “The people need more... love,” she reportedly slurred.

7. Nordic Affairs & Award Show Equality
After being denied her request to be Ambassador to the Nordics, Harris pitched herself as “White House Playlist Czar,” tasked with diversifying musical vibes at state dinners. She once vetoed a playlist for having “too many bassists with goatees.”

8. Operation Meowdam VP
She created a task force to adopt a cat to appear “more human.” Final name options included Ruth Bader Gins-Purr, Susan Pawthony, and Meowdam Vice President. Ultimately, she bought a Klutzy Kitty wine holder from Amazon and called it a day.

9. #SlayForTheSlain at Arlington
Staff stopped her just short of filming a Memorial Day TikTok at Arlington Cemetery, dressed in sequins with the hashtag #SlayForTheSlain. Her Beyoncé impression included the line, “Formation is about honoring the troops, right?”

Trump Comments (via Custom Mar-a-Lago ASMR Channel)

“Folks, Kamala is... I mean... she's something. We thought Biden was the comedy show. But Kamala? Kamala is the afterparty with no music, just awkward dancing.”

“I knew she’d lose. I told Melania: This woman’s campaign smells like patchouli and Chardonnay—BAD combination. You don’t campaign by humming crystals.”

“She said WAP stood for Workers and Progress. Are you kidding me? When I ran, it stood for WINNING AMERICA POWERFULLY. Bigly version.”

“I never passed out in the Oval. Sometimes I napped strategically, okay? There’s a difference.”

Top Comment Picks

@OvalAwkward: “#SlayForTheSlain will go down in history with #FireFestival and #DearSasha.”

@NotBloombergShort: “If you hired dwarves to prepare for a dinner, you might be one White Claw away from a campaign violation.”

@ZodiacKillaVP: “Taurus moon in Gemini explains a lot. Like that time she tried to declare a national emergency over her shoe being stuck in a White House vent.”

@WAP4Life420: “She turned Cardi B into the face of Labor Policy. I can’t. I simply cannot.”

@PelosiVodkaMom: “I’m not saying I miss Biden, but at least he never tried to legally rename TSA to Touching Souls Agency.”

Final Thought

Kamala Harris is not a villain. She’s not even a failed politician in the traditional sense.

She’s a satirical archetype, conjured by the gods of awkwardness to remind us what happens when ambition meets vibes without a map.

If this book drops and spills the tea on Biden’s decline, the tea kettle will explode. Bidenworld will unleash their opposition research folder labeled: “Kamala: The Musical (Unscripted).”

Next Week on WTF Global Times:

“Ella Emhoff’s Experimental Opera About Budget Reconciliation”

“Doug Emhoff’s All-Male Interpretive Dance Tribute to the IRS”

“The Diversity Scarf That Almost Brought Down NATO”

Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times.

Because when politicians say “WAP,” the policy fallout is never dry.

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