🕶️FROM ABRAHAM ACCORDS TO ABU DHABI ESCAPES...

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🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Diplomatic Tantrums, Security Warnings & Inappropriate Touching

Israel evacuates the embassy. Iran plots assassinations. And Yossi Shelley touches everything except protocol.

By: Dvora Shellshock & Mahmoud MangoPickle | Co-Chairs of the WTF Embassies, Etiquette & Espionage Bureau

👁️‍🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless Khamenei starts hugging flight attendants or the Mossad photoshops shrimp again.

What do you get when you mix terrorism, tantrums, inappropriate shoulder hugs, and a diplomatic faceplant in the UAE? Another glorious day in Middle East geopolitics, 2025 edition — now featuring Trump, Mossad, and shellfish censorship.

DEAR IRAN, PLEASE DON’T MURDER OUR AMBASSADORS

First, let’s get this straight: Israel didn’t want to evacuate its UAE embassy.

But then Iran — and its rotating gang of “Global Jihad Enthusiasts, Hezbollah Cosplayers, and Hamas Hipsters” — allegedly stepped up efforts to target Israelis abroad.

The National Security Council’s travel warning sounded like a mix between a diplomatic memo and a “Final Destination” script:

  • Avoid traveling to the UAE unless you want surprise fireworks.

  • Do not wear anything identifiably Jewish (yes, even your Star of David fanny pack).

  • Celebrate Shabbat silently. And indoors. Preferably underground.

Meanwhile, in the background:

Yossi Shelley, Israel’s ambassador to the UAE, was already under fire for something far less Iranian... and far more Israeli.

SHELLEYGATE: FROM SHABBAT TO SHAMBLES

Yossi Shelley:

  • Former Netanyahu confidant

  • Ambassador to Brazil (2017–2021)

  • Once edited lobster out of a photo with Photoshop

  • Currently under fire for... allegedly turning an Abu Dhabi bar into a Likud bachelor party.

According to Channel 12 and a collection of sources too embarrassed to go on record, Shelley:

  • “Got physical” with women at a bar

  • Yelled at bodyguards for asking to follow protocol

  • Loaded guests into his car like it was Tel Aviv Uber

  • Kept announcing he was the Israeli ambassador in places he shouldn’t even have been

An Emirati source put it bluntly:

“Were he not an ambassador, we’d have ejected him with a catapult into Oman.”

Even his own bodyguards tattled — reportedly filing reports on Shelley’s behavior like frustrated babysitters trapped in diplomatic hell.

And this isn’t even the first time.
In 2024, on a Netanyahu flight, Shelley allegedly hugged a flight attendant with all the subtlety of a drunk uncle at a bar mitzvah.
Also hugged a female journalist. Also got told off.

His defense?

“I’m just a friendly guy.”
WTF Response: Friendly is a handshake. This was The Bachelor: IDF Edition.

TRUMP COMMENTS (WTF VERSION)

ON ISRAELI DIPLOMATS FLEEING THE UAE: “Look, I know Iran. Very bad people. But let me tell you — if you need to evacuate because of Shelley, maybe don’t send a guy who thinks hummus is a massage oil.”

ON YOSSI SHELLEY: “I met him. Great guy. Touched too much, maybe. But a lot of energy. Could do well in Vegas.”

ON THE LOBSTER COVER-UP: “They served shrimp? I knew it! Netanyahu lied. That’s fake kosher. Tremendous Photoshop though. Could’ve used him on my tax returns.”

ON ABRAHAM ACCORDS 2.0: “We’ll call it the ‘Run For Your Life Accords.’ Better branding. Very dynamic.”

WTF CHRONOLOGY: SHELLEY’S DIPLO-DOWNFALL

  • 2020–2024: Shelley rides the Abraham Accords high. Waves flags. Gives speeches. Touches people.

  • March 2024: UAE executes three for murdering an Israeli rabbi. Israel realizes: “Maybe not so safe anymore.”

  • June 2025: Iran threatens Jewish travelers. Shelley responds by threatening his own bodyguards.

  • July 2025: Israel evacuates diplomats. Shelley allegedly tries to hug goodbye.

  • August 2025: Netanyahu claims no decision has been made. But already checking Shelley’s LinkedIn for "Ambassador of Golf Course Security.”

UAE’S REACTION: “SO MUCH FOR FRIENDSHIP, HERE’S THE DOOR”

The UAE is furious.
They wanted someone polished. Military background. Fluent in defense deals and “don’t touch random women at rooftop bars.”

Instead, they got Shelley — a man who allegedly thought diplomatic immunity extended to etiquette, alcohol, and elevators.

The Emiratis reportedly said:

“This is not what normalization looks like. This is what fraternization with a liability looks like.”

Meanwhile, Emirati media remained silent. But insiders say Abu Dhabi’s internal rating of Israel has dropped from “strategic partner” to “strategic embarrassment.”

TOP COMMENT PICKS

@HummusWithHonor:
“Israel just lost a regional embassy not to Iran, but to a bar night gone rogue. Diplomacy is dead. Long live Shelleyvision.”

@KippaVsKebab:
“Shelley hugging people isn’t the problem. It’s Shelley hugging people in the UAE after midnight in a bar. Does he even read the travel briefings?”

@ShinBetOrBust:
“Honestly, just give him a puppet version of himself. Let that do the diplomacy. Less damage, more comedy.”

@FeministFalafel:
“Normalize peace, not groping. Shelley’s behavior set the Abraham Accords back a decade. And probably got someone fired at the Ministry of Protocol.”

FINAL THOUGHT

Israel’s greatest diplomatic threat in the UAE wasn’t Hezbollah.

It wasn’t Iran.

It wasn’t even Global Jihad™.

It was... Yossi Shelley.

A man who turned a security detail into emotional support staff, violated enough protocols to fill an entire Mossad handbook, and may have singlehandedly triggered the first ambassadorial recall based on “vibes and gropes.”

The Middle East is a delicate chessboard. And Israel just showed up with a whoopee cushion and a bottle of arak.

Meanwhile, Trump watches it all, shrugs, and says:

“Eh. At least he didn’t serve pork.”

NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:

  • “From LobsterGate to HugGate: The Shelley Scandal Timeline Nobody Wanted”

  • “Iran Issues Fatwa Against Shelley's Hugs: ‘Unholy and Unrequested’”

  • “Trump’s Next Plan: Replace Ambassadors With ChatGPT and Burger Coupons”

Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times.

Because when ambassadors get exiled for touching, and Iran gets blamed for everything else — the Middle East just became a reality show. 

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