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Lebanon's Historic Disarmament Debate Threatens to Explode Like a Hookah in a Powder Keg
By: Falafel Al-Mukhabarat | Middle East Editor, Counterterrorism Ping Pong Champion
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then all bets are off.
Beirut is Buzzing, and Not Just from the Power Generators
On August 5, 2025, the Lebanese government met once again in a desperate attempt to decide whether Hizbullah should finally drop its guns and pick up... maybe a fishing rod? A desk job? A kazoo?
Fifty years after civil war and a few dozen "peace" accords later, Lebanon is again caught between becoming a sovereign state or continuing to let a black-turbaned militia operate like an armed Uber Eats driver for Iran.
- Will Lebanon become a nation with a single military force and a functioning democracy?
- Or will it remain a state-within-a-state run by a party with more missiles than ministers?
The answer, as always in the Middle East: “Yani... we'll see, inshallah.”
Hassan Nasrallah: Deceased but Still Voting
Hizbullah’s late leader Hassan Nasrallah is now the only man whose ghost gets more airtime than Lebanese news anchors. Following his elimination by Israel in 2025 (via a suspiciously precise “weather balloon”), the group lost dozens of commanders, hundreds of fighters, and its last shreds of political dignity.
But like any good sequel villain, Hizbullah is trying to “rebuild stronger”—except this time it’s pitching its rearmament as “Lebanon’s defensive strategy.”
Meanwhile, President Joseph Aoun (no relation to Michel Aoun, or so he claims at parties) and Prime Minister Nawaf Salam are staring at each other in government meetings like two bachelors who just inherited a haunted mansion from a crazy uncle named “The Resistance.”
Disarmament... Or Just Rearmament with Fancier Fonts?
According to Hizbullah, the ceasefire agreement signed in early 2025 applies only to South Lebanon. Everything above the Litani River? Apparently a free-fire zone where Katyusha rockets get express delivery.
The logic here, if we can call it that, goes like this:
"We agree to be disarmed, but not now, not here, not there, and not at all unless Israel stops existing and America becomes Islamic Spain."
Hizbullah claims its weapons aren’t aimed inward, even as it warns that anyone who touches them will have their hands "severed." Sounds perfectly peaceful. Also, totally normal for a political party to threaten amputation over policy debates.
Trump Comments (From Mar-a-Lago's Cedar Room)
“Let me tell you something, folks. I disarmed more terrorists with a tweet than Biden did in eight years with drones. Hizbullah? We call them ‘Hizbul-losers’ now. Total losers. I said to Lebanon, 'Take the guns or take the cash, not both!'”
“Joe Aoun—great guy, handsome name—should just send in the Lebanese Marines or something. Do they have those? If not, we'll build some. Best marines. With hair. I’ll send Trump Security. Believe me, Hizbullah will cry.”
“Also, Na’im Qassem—what a name! More like Naïve Qassem. Wants to play warlord dress-up and thinks nobody notices the Iranian paycheck.”
Hizbullah’s “Weapons of Peace” & Other Oxymorons
Hizbullah: “Our weapons are to fight Israel. Only Israel.”
Also Hizbullah: “But if you, a Lebanese civilian, ask us to give them up, we’ll burn your house, your cousin’s bakery, and slap UNIFIL while we’re at it.”
They're even deploying what they call “popular resistance” in South Lebanon. Translation: Hizbullah operatives in Adidas slippers throwing rocks at UN peacekeepers and yelling, “WE’RE CIVILIANS!”
Remember when people said Lebanon was the Paris of the Middle East? Now it's closer to an armed HOA meeting moderated by a militia wearing night vision goggles.
Aoun’s Dilemma: Disarm or Die Trying
President Aoun insists on disarming Hizbullah through “dialogue.” This is Lebanese for "We're scared to death, so let's hold a meeting and hope nobody gets kidnapped on the way out."
He even proposed integrating Hizbullah’s fighters into the Lebanese Armed Forces. Because nothing stabilizes an army like hiring thousands of militants with dual loyalties, Iranian pensions, and a habit of live-streaming martyrdom poetry.
His second idea was worse: adopting the Iraqi PMU model. That’s like curing a fungal infection by injecting more fungus.
Top Comment Picks from the WTF Community
@YaHabibiBibi: “Disarm Hizbullah? Bro, I can’t even get my cousin to return my power drill.”
@ShiaKardashian: “This government meeting is just a Tinder date between cowardice and confusion.”
@FrenchToastMaronite: “UNIFIL should wear AirTags and GoPros. It’s 2025, people.”
@Na’imTheDream: “Sever the hand? Please. Last time we saw you, you were hiding in a bunker eating Cheetos.”
@QomAndGetIt: “We asked Siri: ‘When will Lebanon be free of Hizbullah?’ Siri shut down.”
Final Thought:
Lebanon is trapped in a political escape room where the only key is guarded by a man in a black turban who keeps yelling, “No negotiations!” while holding a grenade and a UN resolution in the same hand.
If Hizbullah doesn’t disarm soon, Lebanon will be forced to answer a tragic question:
What happens when the state gives up monopoly on violence... and the militia demands monopoly on the state?
As Israel waits, the U.S. waffles, and France smokes a Gauloise in confusion, one thing is clear: this might be Lebanon’s last chance to become a real country again.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
“Iran’s Camel Jockey Missiles: How the Ayatollah is Trying to Rebuild with Sand and Sanctions”
“France's New UNIFIL Proposal: Wine, Baguettes, and a 3-Month Meditation Retreat for Hizbullah”
“What If We AirDrop Na’im Qassem into a Yoga Retreat in Goa?”
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