☪️Iran Blesses Trump Assassination, Builds Bunkers, and Threatens the NPT—All Before Lunch...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
Fatwas, Fallout & Fallout Shelters
By: Ayatollah W.T. Farcey, Supreme Leader of Satirical Analysis & Self-Appointed Fatwa Forensics Director
Yes, halal. Not just the chicken at your local kebab stand anymore.
“Trump’s blood is now a spiritual smoothie,” one seminary student told The WTF Global Times, sipping saffron tea while highlighting passages from Ayatollahs for Dummies.
But that’s not all. While half the clerics were drafting assassination fatwas with calligraphy pens dipped in rage, the other half were busy rolling out Iran's newest civil defense shelter directive — complete with blueprints, bunkers, and the soothing threat of another "strategic delay in diplomacy."
The Shiite Shelter Shuffle
According to Major General Mousavi, the man who now moonlights as both Iran’s top military officer and national prepper-in-chief, Iran will begin a "short, medium, and long-term plan" to teach civilians how to duck, cover, and quietly deny they’re hiding uranium in the garden.
So far, the short-term plan includes:
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Praying loudly at missile debris,
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Installing air raid apps that don’t work during blackouts,
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Pretending every crater is a peaceful pothole.
Meanwhile, long-term plans reportedly involve “shelters with prayer mats, gas masks, and optional martyrdom insurance.”
The Ayatollah’s ‘Fatwageddon’
Forget nukes — Iran’s real WMD is Word of Mass Destruction. The mohareb (warrior against God) designation slapped on Trump by clerics like Makarem Shirazi has essentially turned theological doctrine into open-source assassination instructions.
“If it’s in a fatwa, it must be legit,” claimed one young cleric. “That’s how we decide lunch orders around here too.”
U.S. intelligence officials have reportedly updated Trump’s security protocol to DEFCON-GOLF, deploying triple Secret Service around him anytime he gets near a falafel stand, rug merchant, or 3 AM Twitter session.
British Warning: Regime Change Roulette
Back in the UK, Foreign Secretary David Lammy (aka "Lord Cautious of Pessimism") issued a sobering reminder: “Replacing the IRGC doesn’t guarantee you won’t end up with something worse — like IRGC 2.0: Now with More Beard and Less Budget!”
Translation: Even if Iran’s regime changes, the new guys might still want to nuke Tel Aviv, just while wearing Western suits and pretending to love K-pop.
He also warned that Tehran’s uranium enrichment is going way beyond acceptable levels. “Their uranium is now so enriched,” Lammy said, “it applied for a Swiss bank account and a condo in Monaco.”
Negotiation, the Iranian Way: “We’re Not Talking. We’re Just Having Loud Opinions.”
Tehran claims there are “no formal negotiations” with Europe. Instead, they call it “an exchange of opinions.” Which in Iranian diplomacy roughly translates to: “We’ll smile while forging missile parts.”
Still, Iranian lawmakers insist that diplomacy has the blessing of Supreme Leader Khamenei himself, making it as sincere as any conversation with your ex about ‘closure.’
Trump Comments – From the Fatwa-Proof President
“They’re saying I’m halal now — beautiful word, by the way. Never been more delicious or dangerous.”
“The Ayatollahs want me gone, folks. Which means — I’m living rent-free in Tehran. Tremendous real estate, terrible view.”
“Iran’s building bunkers? I’ve got bunkers in Mar-a-Lago with golden faucets. Just saying.”
Top Comment Picks:
Final Thought:
If religion is the opiate of the masses, then Tehran just went full meth lab. When over 2,000 men with beards start handing out divine kill orders like coupons, it's less a theocracy and more an infomercial for celestial terrorism.
And when bunkers are being built faster than peace plans, the only "deal of the century" might be Trump’s idea of de-escalation — with gold-plated missile silos and MAGA-branded fallout shelters.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
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“The Ayatollah’s Tinder Profile: 72 Virgins, No Chill”
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“NATO, Nukes & No Signal: Europe’s WiFi Goes Down During UN Speech, Chaos Ensues”
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