🕵️♂️KIDNAP, KEBABS & KHAOMEINI: IRAN’S GLOBAL MAFIA COSPLAY...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Cloak, Dagger & Diplomatic Biryani
When Tehran plays James Bond, dissidents disappear and journalists start sleeping in IKEA closets
By: Imam Bond & Chutzpah Chatterjee | Senior Editors, Espionage, Satire & Sabotage
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless Khamenei starts subtweeting Mossad again.
From Belgium to Birmingham, Tehran’s new travel package offers “one-way tickets to Evin Prison.” Add in Trump, TikTok terror alerts, and Israel’s disappearing embassies — and you’ve got a WTF stew only 2025 could cook.
WHEN DIPLOMATIC PASSPORTS MEET DEATH SQUADS
In what sounds like a rejected Jack Ryan episode, Iran has been accused by 14 countries — led by the United States under President Trump — of deploying hitmen, smugglers, and glorified Uber drivers to kidnap and kill exiled journalists, politicians, Jews, feminists, TikTok influencers, and anyone who once tweeted “Free Iran” while sipping cappuccino in Brussels.
What’s worse? They’ve started outsourcing it to criminal gangs. Imagine the Sopranos, but sponsored by the IRGC.
Western officials now say Iran has attempted at least 15 assassinations or kidnappings in the UK alone since 2022.
The UK's response?
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Increase surveillance.
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Publish strongly worded statements.
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Tell citizens to “stay vigilant,” which in British terms means “wear beige and avoid eye contact.”
CASE FILES OF WTF INTELLIGENCE: IRAN'S HIT LIST ABROAD
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Darya Safai, a Belgian MP of Iranian descent, was reportedly targeted for kidnapping through Turkey. Her crime? Supporting a ban on the IRGC. Tehran was like, “That’s not diplomacy, that’s a dare.”
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Rouhollah Zam, exiled journalist, was lured from Paris to Iraq with promises of “talks.” Iran instead offered him an express visa to execution.
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Jamshid Sharmahd, German-Iranian dissident, was kidnapped from Dubai and executed after what Amnesty called “a trial so unfair it made Saudi traffic courts look credible.”
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Meanwhile, British counter-terrorism officials now rank Iran alongside Russia and China in the “most likely to randomly shank you in a London coffee shop” category.
TEHRAN’S RESPONSE: “FAKE NEWS, ZIONIST SMOKE, AND COLONIAL VIBES”
Iran’s foreign ministry responded like a high-schooler caught cheating during finals:
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Deny everything.
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Accuse everyone else.
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Quote the Qur’an, Karl Marx, and Noam Chomsky… in one press release.
Spokesman Esmail Baghaei claimed it’s all part of a “broader Iranophobia campaign” — which is a weird thing to call a plot involving motorbike assassins in Stockholm.
Also, Tehran insists the real crime is Europe’s support for “terrorists,” which apparently includes every exiled blogger with a VPN and a WordPress subscription.
TRUMP COMMENTS (ASSASSINATION EDITION)
ISRAEL: “WE’RE OUT OF HERE” — UAE STYLE
As Iran’s shadow games expand, Israel has pulled most diplomatic staff from the UAE — because apparently the Abraham Accords didn’t come with bulletproof falafel.
Israel’s National Security Council cited terror threats from Iran, Hamas, Hezbollah, and a few unnamed cousins of Zawahiri still running WhatsApp prayer groups.
The warning comes amid fears of revenge plots tied to Israel’s June strike on Iranian targets, which reportedly triggered a mood swing in Qom big enough to melt uranium.
Travel alerts were raised to Level 3: “Shabbat-Shivah Scenario” and Israelis were warned not to flash passports, Hebrew, or discount codes for kosher shawarma.
IRAN’S TERROR TRADEMARKS: RETRO 1979, MODERN 5G
Today’s Iranian intelligence operations are like a bizarre tech startup:
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Legacy ideology from Khomeini
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Logistics outsourced to Serbian bikers
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Targeting exiles through LinkedIn scams
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“Influencer Assassination as a Service” (IAaaS™)
They’re like Uber Eats, but instead of hummus, they deliver targeted assassinations.
And now, thanks to Trump’s aggressive re-sanctioning, Tehran’s economy runs on three things:
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Smuggled oil
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Turkish SIM cards
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Passport-forgeries-as-a-service
TOP COMMENT PICKS
FINAL THOUGHT
Iran’s “diplomatic outreach” now resembles a bad mafia remake:
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You say something.
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You disappear.
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Your family gets a postcard from Iraq.
Tehran denies it all, of course. They’re not assassinating dissidents. They’re just “relocating spiritually confused citizens.”
But the numbers speak for themselves — as do the dissidents now living with panic buttons in Paris and breathing drills in Berlin.
Meanwhile, Israel evacuates, Europe panics, and Trump keeps shouting “They don’t respect us anymore!” in rallies where the crowd is 60% armed militia and 40% confused yoga moms.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
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“Assassination or Accident? Why Every Exiled Iranian Now Sleeps in Bathtubs”
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“Trump Demands Iran Be Put in the Same Category as DoorDash — Unreliable Delivery and Occasional Deaths”
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“EU Considers Hiring Bollywood Body Doubles to Protect Iranian Dissidents in Brussels”
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