💸Liberté, Égalité, Austerité!...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
France Declares Budgetary War on Baguettes, Benefits, and Banknotes... and Possibly Tuesdays
By: Jean-Claude Cashflow | Senior Editor, Department of Existential Economics, Absurdist Bureaucracy & Macronalysis
PARIS, FRANCE – “Vive la Réduction!” cried absolutely no one as French Prime Minister François Bayrou launched what may go down in European history as the most passionately unromantic budget proposal since Marie Antoinette suggested cake.
France’s economic deficit, growing at the speed of €5,000 per second, has officially achieved escape velocity. And Bayrou – the man who sounds like a soft cheese but cuts like a chainsaw – wants every Frenchman to suck in their stomach, tighten their belt, and march into a future of cancelled holidays, frozen pensions, and war-hardened croissants.
The French public, meanwhile, has responded in classic form: marching, yelling, lighting trash on fire, and composing poetic graffiti comparing Bayrou to a croissant stuffed with neoliberal stuffing and military cheese.
Debt, Déjà Vu & Déshabillé
Bayrou’s €43.8 billion deficit-slashing plan was dropped on France like a baguette from the heavens—except this one came with a rusty guillotine attachment. In a dramatic YouTube video that looked suspiciously like a hostage appeal from a mid-budget finance documentary, Bayrou warned that France’s €3.4 trillion debt is a “mortal danger.”
Which is cute, considering the country survived Louis XVI, the Revolution, twelve Napoleons (give or take), and Emmanuel Macron’s occasional personality disorder.
But now, as the debt clicks upwards like a demonic taxi meter—€5,000 every second—Bayrou insists that the only way to avoid fiscal Armageddon is to:
-
Cancel two national holidays (goodbye long weekends, hello economic productivity?),
-
Freeze pensions and welfare (because retirees should feel youthfully anxious again),
-
Slash public sector jobs (liberté, égalité, unemployedé),
-
And invest €64 billion into the military because nothing says “balanced budget” like tanks and tactical berets.
Macron’s War Fetish: The Napoleonic Reboot
While children eat less yogurt and grannies watch their heating bills like countdown timers, President Emmanuel “La République, c’est moi” Macron has pledged a €6.5 billion military bump, citing a possible “major war by 2030.”
With Russia blamed for everything from inflation to cloudy weather, the Élysée’s defense whitepaper painted a Cold War-era mural of doom, featuring Vladimir Putin riding a bear, NATO drawing red lines with glitter, and France leading the charge… into bankruptcy.
But critics ask: “Who’s going to fight this war? The unemployed civil servants?”
Fiscal Time Bomb, Now Available in Euro
ING Bank strategists, clutching croissants and calculator-shaped rosaries, have declared France a “fiscal time bomb” threatening EU sentiment. The euro has slipped faster than a waiter ignoring your table, and FX analysts are now considering therapy.
As investor confidence dives, Francesco Pesole—whom we assume moonlights as a villain in Italian operas—warned, “France’s debt is a ticking bomb.”
No one has confirmed if it ticks in French, but the explosion is expected to sound like an accordion falling down the stairs while muttering “S’il vous plaît…”
Meanwhile, Across the Atlantic...
President Donald J. Trump, now in year one of his “Tariff-geddon 2.0: Le Resistance” policy, weighed in.
Trump Comments:
"Look, France is broke. Baguette broke. They need a Trump Tower in Paris. Solve everything. Beautiful tower, gold trim, zero debt, maybe even throw in a spa for the pensioners!"
"They’re taxing people for taking holidays now? Un-American! I invented holidays. It’s called Mar-a-Lago Monday!"
"Macron spends billions on tanks, can’t even defend himself from protesters with baguettes. Sad!"
"We used to have Freedom Fries. Now we need Freedom Finance!"
Top Comment Picks:
@AngryFromAix: “Can’t afford my baguette, but sure, let’s fund a tank that fires camembert.”
@JeanLuc_CasualRevolutionary: “Bayrou says we must sacrifice. I say we sacrifice Bayrou.”
@BureaucracyIsMyLoveLanguage: “Deleted my retirement plan and adopted a raccoon. Same financial outcome.”
@MoniqueBroke: “My pension is frozen. Literally. Couldn’t pay the heating bill.”
Final Thought:
France has done many great things—wine, revolution, existential dread—but becoming a neo-liberal austerity lab rat was never meant to be one of them.
If Bayrou survives his ninth no-confidence motion, we can expect him to cancel Thursdays next and suggest bartering cheese wheels for military contracts.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
-
“Germany Accidentally Pays Off Greece’s Debt After Rounding Error”
-
“Spain Declares Siesta National Emergency After Budget Cuts Eliminate Mornings”
-
“Italy’s New Economic Plan: ‘Just Vibe, Ignore the Debt’”
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times!
Because when nations start scrapping public holidays, revolutions usually RSVP early.
And remember: When the government says ‘mortal danger,’ check your wallet before your passport.
Comments
Post a Comment