NAMASTÉ AND SLAP! Trade War Gets Tandoori Treatment As Trump Declares, “No Curry Without Customs!”...
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Trump Slaps 50% Tariffs on India for Buying Oil and Being Too BRICS-y
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it or Modi meditates in CAPS LOCK.
In an international diplomatic maneuver that smelled suspiciously like overcooked biryani, President Donald J. Trump — now in his second coming as the Commander-in-Tweet — launched a full-blown trade cannonball at India by hiking tariffs to 50% on all imports, citing "national interest," "oil betrayal," and "weird vibes from BRICS."
The executive order, which was written in Sharpie on a Mar-a-Lago steakhouse menu, was announced during Trump’s latest “Buy American, Blame Abroad” rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Holding a plastic globe and pointing somewhere near Bangladesh, Trump shouted:
“India’s playing footsie with Putin! We gotta charge ‘em every time they say Namaste!”
As drumrolls of nationalism played in the background and Kid Rock began tuning a sitar, Trump declared a “spiritual war on unfair chai-based economics,” alleging that India’s oil purchases from Russia directly undermined American exceptionalism, Chevron's profits, and the sanctity of the bald eagle.
The Real Reason: Modi and the Mystery of the Masala Ruble
Analysts say India’s continued use of Russian crude oil — paid in rupees, rubles, and sometimes spiritual enlightenment — irritated Trump like an unchewed clove in chicken curry.
The White House press secretary, now replaced by an AI model trained on Breitbart and Baba Ramdev speeches, released a statement:
“This administration will not tolerate yoga-funded war crimes or turmeric-scented loopholes.”
They also warned that U.S. citizens might soon face reciprocal punishment:
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100% tariffs on Trump NFTs sold in Goa.
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Expulsion of all American tourists trying to find themselves in Rishikesh.
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Banning the use of “Namaste” in Coachella.
The BRICS Boomerang: Why Washington’s Mad
Trump’s team insists this is not about chai, curry, or cricket. It’s about BRICS — the alliance of countries Trump once called “a socialist smoothie with extra inflation.”
Since India began flaunting leadership within BRICS — even hosting a meditation summit with Vladimir Putin, Lula, and an AI avatar of Xi Jinping — the Trump admin has been on edge.
One official from the Stimson Center whispered:
“They’re scared BRICS might become more popular than NATO. And less bloated.”
Trump previously threatened to impose 100% tariffs on all BRICS members. Brazil laughed. South Africa yawned. India smiled politely, then bought more Russian oil.
Trump Comments:
“Modi used to be my yoga bro. Now he’s gone full Ruble Rishi!”
“They say India is our partner. Well, I say — partner in crime against Chevron!”
“I loved curry until it started meddling in elections… and fuel prices.”
“BRICS? More like TRICKS. Total Ridiculous Insane Communist Kings, Sad!”
Top Comment Picks:
@CryptoYogi420:
“Trump's reincarnated as the British Raj with tariffs instead of taxes.”
@DelhiteWithWiFi:
“How dare Trump insult biryani diplomacy! This is cultural warfare.”
@FloridaCowboy76:
“If India wants freedom from tariffs, they should name a town after Trump. Worked for Israel.”
@SamosaSniper:
“Can someone explain why I’m paying more for basmati rice because Putin’s oil is spicy?”
Final Thought:
Trump’s tariff tirade may be strategic genius, petulant revenge, or just another episode of America’s Next Top Trade War. Either way, the U.S.-India partnership — once hailed as the “Global South’s Favorite Bromance” — is now stuck in a passive-aggressive WhatsApp group filled with GIFs of crying Mahatma Gandhi and suspicious Russian tank emojis.
Modi, meanwhile, is stuck between Ruble Rubrics and Republican Rage — juggling chai cups of diplomacy while trying not to spill hot sanctions on his kurta.
Washington has framed this as a matter of principle. Delhi thinks it’s just a matter of price per barrel. The rest of the world? Just confused and waiting to see if TikTok will be banned again.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
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“Saudi Arabia Wants to Join NATO—But Only If There’s a Dress Code”
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“Khamenei Declares AI as Infidel, Then Accidentally Uses It to Schedule Fatwa on Himself”
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“UN Declares War on Common Sense: Appoints Hamas to Women’s Rights Panel”
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times — where chai meets chaos and policy is just performance art.
Because when leaders say “stupid,” the aftermath is never simple... just heavily taxed.
End of Report. Namaste, but Pay First.
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