🕵️♂️Tehran Hangs Nuclear Engineer for Knowing a Mossad Agent Named Kevin...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Suspiciously Hanging Around
Iran Just Executed Wi-Fi Access
By: Mahdi Rope-Around | Senior Spy vs. Spy Correspondent & Falafel Conspiracy Enthusiast
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it. Then we’re legally forced to redefine satire as sedition.
Tehran’s New Export: Executions & Exaggerations
In the latest episode of Iran’s Got Treason!, the Islamic Republic hanged nuclear scientist Rouzbeh Vadi for allegedly leaking classified information to Israel’s Mossad.
His crime?
Sending sensitive data via crypto wallet and being friends with someone named “Alex” online.
Seriously. “Alex.”
This is like being executed for joining a suspicious Telegram group called "Atomic Goys Anonymous."
Iran claims Vadi passed details about a fellow nuclear scientist—later obliterated during Israel’s June airstrikes—after being “vetted by Mossad” online and introduced to a handler named “Kevin.”
You know, Mossad’s top-tier Persian-speaking assassin squad: Alex and Kevin.
So Who Was Rouzbeh Vadi?
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A PhD in Reactor Engineering, fluent in uranium and probably sarcasm.
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Co-authored a 2011 paper with senior scientists who later turned into crater dust during Operation: Persuade by Explosion.
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Worked at a “key facility,” which in Iran can mean anything from a nuclear lab to the only Starbucks knockoff in Isfahan.
But here’s the twist: Mossad didn't sneak him across borders or plant microchips in his liver.
Nope.
They allegedly recruited him on the internet. Probably right between two cat videos and a VPN ad.
From Dissertation to Decapitation: The Iranian Job Evaluation Ladder
According to Iran’s judiciary:
“Vadi was a high-value asset with deep access.”“He was paid in crypto.”“He used flash drives to communicate.”“He bought a second laptop.”“He requested training.”
So… basically, he acted like someone trying to work from home during a pandemic.
Trump Comments (From the Mar-a-Lago Surveillance Jacuzzi)
“You know, when I said ‘hang tough,’ I didn’t mean literally. These guys are nuts!”
“Mossad’s using Kevin now? We had Big Mike, Crazy Rudy, and General Flynn. We should’ve hired Kevin. Great name. Friendly. Doesn’t scream spy.”
“Iran has the highest execution rate after China. But I bet China does it with more feng shui. Iran? Just rope and rage.”
“If Iran keeps executing all their scientists, we won’t need to bomb them. They’ll self-sabotage. Tremendous policy. Very cost-effective.”
Amnesty: “Iran Executed 612 People in 6 Months”
Let that sink in.
More people died from ropes in Iran this year than from unfiltered shawarma in Karachi.
In just the last few weeks:
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6 people executed for “spying for Israel”
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1 executed for being part of ISIS (which Iran claims exists in their basement)
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1 guy executed because he allegedly smiled after a nuclear blast in June.
By this logic, if you ever searched "Israel weather", you’re a Mossad affiliate. If you searched “Jewish bagel near me,” the IRGC is probably triangulating your IP.
Israel’s Strike, Iran’s Spree
Israel's Operation “Get Re-Radiated” wiped out:
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Nuclear sites
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Ballistic missile labs
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IRGC commanders
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Iran’s “low-key” satellite program (a goat, a USB, and a helium balloon)
But the real fallout? Iran’s internal panic purge.
At this point, Iran is one malfunctioning modem away from arresting Siri for espionage.
Top Comment Picks
@CryptoCleric69: “So the Mossad handler was named Kevin? I knew the gym guy looked too tan.”
@ShariaSnitchLine: “Iran just executed their last functioning scientist. Next up: uranium enrichment via candle heat.”
@Bibi’sSecretCousin: “Reminder: Israel didn’t need to infiltrate. Iran handed them the keys and asked for directions.”
@VPN-VinDiesel: “I just deleted my Reddit account and buried my laptop. Goodbye cruel regime.”
@KhomeiniQuitsTikTok: “Execution count in 2025: Iran – 612. Israel – 1 airstrike. Mossad – 1 Kevin.”
Final Thought
When a regime’s national defense strategy is “Hang first, trial later,” your nuclear ambitions aren’t scary—they’re suicidal.
You’re building a very anxious funeral industry.
If the next Mossad handler is named Chad, Tehran will probably declare war on the entire frat system.
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