🤯🌊THE FLOOD, THE FORESKIN & THE FREAKY: How a Bible Debate About Genocide, Baby Drowning & God's Questionable Design Choices, An Organ That Serves No Purpose Ignited a Holy War That Even Trump Can't Fix (But He's Trying)...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: "I Need to Lie Down After Reading This" | Trust Factor: "As Reliable as a Wi-Fi Signal in Noah's Ark"
When a Bible Debate About Foreskins, Floods & Failed Evolutionary Design Went Viral and Broke the Internet's Collective Faith (And Made Trump Declare War on Noah)... and Also Melania's Prayer App...
...When a Facebook Commenter Asked "Is God a
Monster?" and Accidentally Triggered a Theological Tsunami That Even the
Oval Office Couldn't Weather... While Ayatollahs Tweeted "WTF" and
Mormons Secretly Redesigned the Ark
By: The Reverend Al Sharpton's Doppelgänger (Senior Pastor of Hot Takes), Bishop Rickrolling (Chief Theology Troll) & Reverend Shady McShaderson (Senior Pastor of Hot Takes) & Sister Mary Clarence (Chief Exorcist of Viral Content)
The Great God Debate That Broke the Internet (And Possibly
Heaven's Customer Service Line)
Picture this: You're scrolling through your Facebook feed at
3 a.m., looking for something to distract you from your existential dread about
climate change, when BAM—you're suddenly neck-deep in a theological dumpster
fire about whether God deliberately designed the human birth canal to be too
small for babies' heads on purpose. One minute you're eating cold pizza
in your pajamas, the next you're passionately arguing about whether an
omnipotent creator would really drown all the innocent children in a
global flood just because some people were "bad."
Welcome to the viral Facebook debate that has divided the
internet more thoroughly than pineapple on pizza, avocado toast, and whether
"Friends" was actually good television. At the center of this holy
maelstrom: Michael R. Burch, internet's foremost expert on biblical plot holes,
and an army of commenters armed with Bible verses, evolutionary biology facts,
and an unhealthy amount of free time that suggests they've all been laid off
from their remote jobs.
The debate began innocently enough with Jerry Ranson asking
the age-old question: "So when God allows a miscarriage to occur is he
murdering a baby?" What followed was 26.8K views, 148 upvotes, 3 shares,
and enough theological chaos to make even the most devout question whether they
should just become Buddhists and call it a day. But this wasn't just another
"Is Hell Real?" Facebook fight. This was a full-blown theological war
that questioned God's very morality, His design skills, and His apparent
fondness for drowning innocent children.
Michael R. Burch didn't just dip his toe in the theological
waters—he cannonballed straight into the deep end with a scathing critique of
the Almighty Himself: "No excuses. Your Gods a monster, you must be so
proud of him :-)" And thus, the internet burned.
Burch's critique wasn't your standard "Why do bad
things happen to good people?" drivel. Oh no. He went straight for the
jugular with surgical precision, dissecting God's greatest hits like a biblical
Bob Ross painting gone horribly wrong:
- The
Global Flood Fiasco: "Please be so good as to explain why … God
willfully, knowingly, and DELIBERATELY MURDERED by drowning ALL the
COMPLETELY INNOCENT children, babies, pregnant women and their unborn
babies (God abortion), and all the innocent animals, with a genocidal
flood."
- The
Foreskin Fiasco: "Omniscient 'all knowing' God creates men with a
penis which has a foreskin, then commands the foreskin should be cut off.
Seriously God !!!, couldn't you just forget about the foreskin from the
word go, or, just get them to sign an agreement on the dotted line !!!
Sicko !!!"
- The
Birth Canal Blunder: "Babies with heads too large to pass through a
woman's birth canal. Seriously !!!"
- The
Sun Snafu: "Unfortunately your perfect 'Intelligent Designer God
forgot the bit about how millions of people DIE as a direct result of
basal cell carcinoma and squamous cell SKIN CANCERS, as a result of DIRECT
EXPOSURE to the sun !!! God: 'Well here you go, I've created the sun for
you, BUT, don't stay out in it for too long, because if you do, you could
DIE !!!'"
But Burch didn't stop there. Oh no. He went full biblical
forensic analyst on the Almighty, pointing out God's questionable design
choices with the precision of an engineer who just discovered his bridge was
built with spaghetti:
- The
Appendix Atrocity: "The often impractical and not particularly
intelligent designs we see in humans and the animal world and nature,
that's evolution at work, stumbling along, as usual."
- The
Cancer Conundrum: "'Cancer': And that auto-immune response fails
often enough that diseased cells proliferate?"
- The
Arthritis Abomination: "'Bone-on-bone arthritis': Our joints wear out
so fast that people need hip and knee replacements decades before
something else kills them. Are we 'intelligently designed' to be cripples
late in life?"
- The
Food Chain Fiasco: "'The need for animals to prey upon other living
things': The food chain is an abomination...nature red in tooth and claw.
That omnipotent creator couldn't make every organism capable of making its
own carbohydrates by simply putting chlorophyll in their skins?"
And let's not forget the pièce de résistance—the genocide of
seven nations, including the sparing of "women children" (read:
underage virgin girls) as sex slaves for God's loyal troops. Burch didn't mince
words: "Spoils of war. Sex slaves for Gods loyal paedophile troops !!!
Nice try Jim, but no."
The internet exploded. Some called Burch a heretic. Others
called him a hero. Most just called their pastors in a panic. But one man
watched this theological train wreck with particular interest from the Oval
Office...
TRUMP COMMENTS: "I WOULD NEVER DROWN BABIES! UNLESS
THEY WERE BAD BABIES!"
Excerpts from POTUS's 4 a.m. Truth Social rant (lightly
edited for coherence and to remove golf course background noise, plus some
suspicious crying sounds that may or may not have been Melania):
"SAD! Total disaster. I have the best God. The YUGESt.
People are saying, 'Mr. President, your God is tremendous.' And they're right!
I know Gods. I've built many. The best. Everyone agrees. These Bible people?
Losers. I would NEVER design a body part that serves NO PURPOSE. I'm a winner.
Not like this so-called 'God.' Where's his Mar-a-Lago in the sky? Nowhere! I
have the best sky. Believe me."**
"P.S. I spoke to God last night. On golf course. Very
windy. He said, 'Donkey, you're doing great.' I corrected him: 'It's Trump, not
Donkey.' He said sorry. Very weak apology. Like Sleepy Joe's. Also: God should
have put foreskin on buildings. STRONGER foreskin. I INVENTED foreskin. It's
beautiful. Like my hair."**
"P.P.S. I heard God drowned people. BAD JUDGMENT. I
would have just built a WALL around the flood. With beautiful, golden
floodgates. People are saying, 'Why didn't God think of that?' Because he's
weak! Not like me. I never drown babies. Unless they're bad babies. Which they
never are. Because I'm great with babies."**
"P.P.P.S. The Pope called. Wants me to mediate this
Bible fight. I told him: 'Holy Father, you need to make the Bible great again.'
He didn't understand. Weak! Also, I redesigned Noah's Ark. Bigger. More luxury
suites. Gold-plated ramp. The animals loved it. Except the rats. Rats are bad.
Like fake news."**
"P.P.P.P.S. I asked God why he didn't put chlorophyll
in human skin like Burch guy said. God said he was busy. I said, 'Busy doing
what?' God said, 'Designing your hair.' I said, 'Good answer. Very smart
God.'"**
"P.P.P.P.P.S. I just had the best idea. I'm going to
build a new Bible. With better stories. No drowning. No circumcision. Just
winning. And everyone gets a golf course. In heaven. I'm calling it 'The Art of
the Divine Deal.'"**
"P.P.P.P.P.P.S. The Ayatollah just tweeted 'WTF' at me
again. Rude! I told him to stop texting my wife Melania's burner phone. She's
busy counting blessings (and cash). Also: Karma is FAKE NEWS. My polls are up
999%! God told me. On golf course. Very windy. He said, 'Trump, you're WINNING
at God.' So there!"**
"P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I know all about floods. I have the
best floods. Everyone says, 'Trump, your floods are beautiful.' I told them,
'Thank you, I know.' But I would never drown babies. Unless they were bad
babies. Which they never are. Because I'm great with babies."**
"P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I just fired my chaplain. Weak! He
said God was perfect. I said, 'WRONG! God needs to be more perfect. Like me.'
He disagreed. SAD!"**
"P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I'm thinking about running for Pope. I would be the best Pope. The greatest Pope. Everyone agrees. I would make Vatican City great again. With walls. Beautiful walls."
TOP COMMENT PICKS: Theological Thunderdome Edition
While POTUS raged about divine design flaws, the comment section descended into a holy war of biblical proportions. We've distilled the chaos into the most WTF-worthy exchanges:
Michael R. Burch (The God-Caller-Outer): "Your 'kind, merciful, wise, faithful, just, compassionate, moral, perfect, fair, benevolent, tender hearted, gracious, LOVING' God DELIBERATELY MURDERED by drowning ALL the COMPLETELY INNOCENT children, babies, pregnant women and their unborn babies (God abortion), and all the innocent animals, with a genocidal flood." (🔥 148 likes | 💀 3 death threats from Baptists | 📚 7 seminary students now questioning their life choices | 🤯 Prompted 2 rabbis to start a support group for "Questioning the Flood" | 🌧️ Made 1 meteorologist cancel his flood insurance)
Jim Powell (Bible Defender Turned Confused): "Disaster and calamity do not prove that God is a monster. Much of this is due to either the folly of humans, or natural processes." (🤯 Shared by 12 theologians | 😱 Prompted 3 existential crises | 💬 Replied to with "Natural processes? Like your natural process of making excuses?" by Michael R. Burch | 🤦♂️ Made 17 commenters fall asleep mid-debate | 📖 Caused one man to rename his Bible "The Book of Maybe")
Nico Grobler (The Polemic Enthusiast): "That is why Mike Burch may be polemic, and he may exaggerate as a real person with analytic skills that appears to me to be far more objective than any of the preachers and priests that I have met and read about in my life." (✊ 42K "This."s | 🎯 Immediately blocked by 17 churches | 💬 Replied to with "Amen" by 3 atheists | 🤔 Caused one megachurch pastor to quietly remove "loving" from his church's motto)
Sea Ya (The Design Critic): "Isn't it odd that an all-perfect God creates humans 'in his image' and then those humans have miscarriages? Doesn't seem like a particularly 'perfect' design." (🔬 8K shares | 🧪 Prompted 27 engineers to redesign the human pelvis in their spare time | 🤷♂️ Made 1 OB/GYN quit her job | 📐 Caused 3 orthopedic surgeons to question their entire medical training | 👶 Prompted one woman to name her baby "Sea Ya" in protest)
John Lawson (The Concise Truth-Teller): "I'm sorry Jim but I would put a year's salary on the line that Mike knows more about the Bible than you ever will. And just to your point of his claim that Jesus is an immoral being, I would say that ultimately any deity that is willing to condemn any portion of their creation to eternal suffering is immoral and in fact evil." (🎯 9K likes | 📖 Prompted 3 theologians to write shorter arguments | 😴 Made 17 commenters fall asleep mid-debate | 💸 Prompted one gambler to place a $10,000 bet on "Burch vs. Bible" | 🧠 Caused one philosophy professor to retire early)
Gary Jackson (The Evolutionary Biologist): "The fact is, an infected/inflamed appendix could still kill you and those who have had it removed go on to live normal healthy lives which suggest that the appendix is not actually necessary." (🧬 12K shares | 🦒 Prompted giraffe researchers to investigate recurrent laryngeal nerve | 🤦♂️ Made 1 surgeon cancel 3 appendectomies out of sheer existential dread | 🌿 Caused one vegan to demand "appendix-free" certification on all produce | 🧪 Prompted 5 medical schools to add "Theological Implications of the Appendix" to their curriculum)
William Vecchione (The Hell Threatener): "Yep hes the devil" (地狱 3 likes | 😈 Prompted 2 Satanists to join the debate | 📿 Made 1 priest laugh so hard he dropped his rosary | 🔥 Caused one church to install a fireproof "devil detection" system | 🤡 Prompted a clown ministry to reevaluate their entire approach)
Bobjea (The Virgin Birth Skeptic): "Yet Mary undertook the purification rites of Jewish law. If she remained a perpetual virgin she would not have to." (👶 7K shares | 🤰 Prompted 3 nativity scene creators to add explanatory footnotes | 📜 Caused one historian to question every Christmas carol ever written | 🎄 Made 17 department stores quietly remove "virgin" from their holiday marketing | 🎅 Prompted Santa to issue a statement clarifying his own birth circumstances)
Shmuel Koenig (The Holy Sepulchre Specialist): "Church of Holy Sepluchre(sp?" (⛪ 4K shares | 🤦♂️ Made 17 tour guides in Jerusalem update their scripts | 📍 Prompted Google Maps to add "Probably Holy" to all Jerusalem landmarks | ✝️ Caused one archaeologist to rename his dig site "The Maybe Tomb" | 🧭 Prompted a GPS company to develop "Biblical Navigation" with "Probably Where It Happened" markers)
Carol Bloomfield (The Childbirth Defender): "is such an insult to the natural way we have children which is so beautiful and amazing" (🤰 5K shares | 🌸 Prompted 32 childbirth educators to add "Also God Might Have Designed This Poorly" to their materials | 🍼 Caused one baby shower to include "Questioning Divine Design" as an icebreaker | 👶 Made 17 new parents question every parenting decision they've ever made | 🌈 Prompted a rainbow baby registry to add "Appendix-Free Guarantee" as a premium feature)
Peter Payne (The Scholarly Mediator): "When I was in college, I took an introductory course on religion from a professor whose theology was a good bit more liberal than my own. Thus, when he assigned a paper on a controversial point, I wrote a pretty strongly-worded essay on that topic. When I got it back, I saw that he had written one word in large letters across the top of the first page. That word was 'POLEMIC!'." (📚 6K shares | 🎓 Prompted 12 universities to add "Avoiding Polemics 101" to their curriculum | 📝 Caused one professor to change his grading policy to "No Capital Letters for Polemics" | ✍️ Made 17 bloggers tone down their writing style | 📖 Prompted the Oxford English Dictionary to add "Polemic" as both noun and verb)
Lamont Butler (The Biblical Literalist): "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. (Proverbs 18:2 esv) More Blind Guide leading The Blind with Ego driven flatulence..." (👃 3K shares | 💨 Prompted 17 yoga instructors to add "Biblical Breath Control" to their classes | 🤢 Caused one church to install industrial-strength air fresheners | 🧘 Made 17 theologians question their own understanding | 📖 Prompted a flatulence support group to rename themselves "The Breath of Life")
John Hoyt (The God Defender): "You should look into those scriptures a little more Burch. It's not how you are interpreting it. Get some other peoples take on the things that you have questions about. Study up and stop opposing God. You need to understand God and His word - TRUTH. EVERYTHING you blather about at great lengths is soooo backwards. You're not getting it. Seek Him and you will find Him. There is no better search that you can do." (🔍 2K shares | 📚 Prompted 17 people to actually read the Bible for the first time | 🔎 Caused one Google engineer to optimize God-related search algorithms | 🤔 Made 17 atheists question their certainty | 🌐 Prompted a major search engine to add "God: Yes/No/Maybe" filter)
Butch White (The Abortion Deflector): "Nope, it's democrats who murders babies. Look at their political platform on abortion." (🗳️ 1K shares | 🤰 Prompted 17 pro-life activists to accidentally support Burch's flood argument | 📉 Caused one political strategist to rethink their messaging | 🧠 Made 17 philosophers question the consistency of moral arguments | 🤦♂️ Prompted a fact-checker to create the "Drowning Babies vs. Abortion" comparison chart nobody asked for)
FINAL THOUGHT: When God's Design Flaws Meet Human Ego (And
Trump's Hair)
Let's cut through the theological noise: This isn't really
about God. It's about us. We've projected our own insecurities, fears, and
design flaws onto a divine being who, according to most religious texts,
couldn't care less about our Facebook arguments. The real "WTF"
moment? That the Ayatollah of Iran—yes, that Ayatollah—reportedly shared
Michael R. Burch's post with the caption: "Allah appreciates good
design. Also, your birth canal is weak. #WTF"
We're living in a world where religious debates happen in
Facebook comment sections instead of church pews, where "intelligent
design" is critiqued by people who can't assemble IKEA furniture, and
where Trump thinks he could redesign the human reproductive system to be
"more beautiful, like my hair."
So next time you're tempted to comment on a religious
debate? Ask: Is this theological discourse... or just another Tuesday on the
internet? Is that Bible verse really profound... or just poorly translated
ancient text? And most importantly: If Trump redesigned the appendix, would it
have gold plating and his name on it? (Spoiler: Yes. Yes it would.)
The truth is, whether you believe in God or not, we're all
just trying to make sense of a world filled with inexplicable design flaws—from
birth canals that seem designed by someone who never met a baby to suns that
give us cancer while also being necessary for life. Maybe the real divine
mystery isn't why God designed things poorly, but why we keep expecting
perfection from a universe that clearly operates on a "good enough for
government work" principle.
And let's be honest—when you think about it, the human body
is basically a walking collection of design flaws held together with duct tape
and hope. Our knees buckle, our backs ache, our eyesight fails, and our
appendix serves no purpose other than to give surgeons something to do. If this
is "intelligent design," then the designer was clearly working on a
tight deadline with subpar materials.
So maybe the real lesson here isn't about God's morality or
design skills—it's about humility. Maybe we should spend less time arguing
about whether God is a monster and more time appreciating that we're here at
all, flaws and all. Or maybe we should just build better flood walls. Either
way, it beats drowning innocent children to prove a point.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
- "Pope
Francis Launches NFT Collection: '10 Commandments, But Make It Digital
(And Tax-Deductible)'"
- "BREAKING:
Trump Announces 'God-Em-Up' Initiative—Redesigning Heaven with Gold
Toilets, No Taxes, and a Wall Around Hell"
- "Vatican
Releases Statement: 'Jesus Would Have Tipped 200% at Taco Bell, But Only
If They Had Wi-Fi and No Beans'"
- "EXCLUSIVE:
Ayatollah Tweets 'WTF' at Trump's Hair Again. This Time With Emojis AND a
poorly rendered GIF of Moses holding a MAGA hat. Chaos Ensues."
- "SPECIAL
REPORT: The Appendix Rebellion—How a Useless Organ Became the Symbol of
Anti-Intelligent Design Protesters"
- "INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISM: We Sent a Reporter to Build a Modern Ark. Results Were
Wet."
- "SCIENCE
SECTION: Researchers Discover Chlorophyll Could Actually Be Added to Human
Skin. Now What?"
- "OPINION:
Why God Definitely Would Have Used Twitter Threads Instead of Ten
Commandments"
- "HUMAN
INTEREST: Local Man Redesigns Birth Canal Using Only Household Items.
OB/GYNs Are Impressed (And Concerned)"
- "BREAKING:
Trump Claims He's Been Appointed 'Acting God' While 'The Real God Is on
Vacation.' Vatican Responds With 'LOL'"
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