🌀When Peace Proposals Trigger Fatwas, and Martyrdom Gets a Press Secretary...
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TEHRAN, QOM, AND WTF HEADQUARTERS — In a breaking announcement straight from the Twilight Zone of international relations, Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guards Corps (IRGC) has declared that any attempt to promote a two-state solution is, quote, “satanic.” Yes, folks, diplomacy is now officially the Devil’s work—alongside women’s hair, dancing, and voting without IRGC supervision.
The Guards, commemorating the first anniversary of the now-vaporized Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh (who became a martyred meatball via Israeli precision), took a moment to inform the global community that they are not here for “two states.” They are here for “zero Israel. Never. Never. Never.” Because three ‘nevers’ is the international standard unit of intransigence in the Middle East.
But wait—this gets juicier.
UN Theater: Season 80
The United Nations, that majestic bureaucracy of sleep-inducing mandates, recently hosted a “High-Level International Conference for Peace” co-chaired by Saudi Arabia and France—aka the Region’s Most Conflicted Muslim Monarchs & the World’s Best Baguette Diplomats. They recommended a two-state solution. Iran’s response? A spiritual hissy fit.
The IRGC, clearly still high on martyr fumes and missile fumes, called the entire affair “a satanic prescription,” as though geopolitics were a pharmacy and Guterres had just written a script for Prozac-istan.
The “Aqsa Storm” Is Now a “Strategic Doctrine”
Translation: We commit atrocities with Excel spreadsheets now.
Iran claims the October 7, 2023 attack by Hamas (you know, the one with civilian slaughters, hostage-taking, and TikTok martyr videos) was not just terrorism, but strategic policy. Ah yes, just like NATO—but with worse optics and way more suicide belts.
New Battlefield, Same Screaming
IRGC spokesmen now warn that the “battlefield will shift” next time. Like it’s a Marvel multiverse and Tel Aviv is suddenly going to open a wormhole into rural Afghanistan. Their logic? “If you hit us again, we’ll change maps.”
That’s right—Tehran now fights wars with cartography.
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This week in WTF geopolitics: the UN threw a party for peace, and Iran responded with a ghostwritten fatwa. The IRGC has declared war on compromise, maps, reason, and anything that doesn’t explode.
Somewhere between martyrdom cosplay, battlefield roleplay, and state-sponsored temper tantrums, we’ve entered a realm where the two-state solution is not just unworkable—it’s apparently haram.
Oh, and the Houthis are back too. Because, you know, sea lanes and Yemen needed more chaos.
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