🧠💀🧟♂️🧟♀️Chai Before Chaos, Undead & Unbothered: India’s Chill Response to the Apocalypse! The Desi Way to Die With Dignity - A nation of 1.4 billion and only two escape plans, one involves astrology, the other, Airtel data!...
🗞️THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Undead Chaos
When zombies bite, Indians sip - The Desi Way to Die With Dignity: Chai Before Chaos - Zombies invade, politicians deny, startups rebrand, and nobody notices the difference...
Welcome to the Great Indian Undead Scenario
If you think potholes, power cuts, and political speeches were India’s biggest nightmares — wait until the zombies arrive.
An alarming new study...
(Because what else do bored researchers do between apocalypses?)
...Predicts that major American cities like New York and LA would crumble instantly under a zombie invasion. But let’s be honest — if that’s bad, Indian cities are not even in the same apocalypse league.
We’re not just unprepared — we’re zombie bait with traffic congestion.
Picture this: Delhi Metro shuts down because a ghoul bit a token collector. Mumbai locals keep running, unaware that the dead are onboard. Bengaluru zombies politely ask for your Wi-Fi password before eating your brains. Chennai’s undead are still waiting for rain, and in Kolkata, the zombies have joined a protest march demanding “Brains & Better Wages.”
Zombie Apocalypse — Made in India Edition
Let’s examine the apocalypse, one metro at a time:
Delhi: The National Capital of Denial
If zombies invade Delhi, nobody will notice until half the city smells slightly worse. Politicians will call a press meet denying any outbreak — until one bites the camera crew. Then NDTV debates: “Should zombies be granted minority status?”
Meanwhile, Gurugram’s gated communities will claim immunity because of “foreign management” and imported disinfectants. By day three, Dilliwallahs will be negotiating: “Bhai, bite maaro par light toh chalu rakho.”
Mumbai: The Fastest City to Die Standing in Line
Mumbai has one of the highest densities on Earth. When zombies attack, the crowd won’t scatter — it’ll just make a longer queue.
Marine Drive will be renamed “Marne Drive.” Local trains will still run on time, now operated by the undead. Bollywood will immediately announce a musical remake: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara – The Walking Remix.
By day four, the city’s biggest problem won’t be zombies but rent hikes in Bandra due to “haunted property premium.”
Bengaluru: Silicon Zombies & Chai-Driven Survival
The zombies here won’t eat brains immediately — they’ll wait for HR approval.
The undead in Koramangala will move slower than normal traffic. That’s the only city where the apocalypse might miss its deadline due to gridlock.
Chennai: Apocalypse Postponed Due to Weather
Varanasi: The Undead Meet the Eternal Dead
Survival Metrics — Indian Edition
Forget Alaska or Montana — here’s how Indian states would score on the WTF Global Zombie Index™:
-
Kerala: High literacy, low fear. Zombies will be unionized within days.
-
Punjab: Too many guns, too much swagger. Zombies will just get recruited for bhangra troupes.
-
UP: Already lawless. Apocalypse declared redundant.
-
West Bengal: Endless protests — zombies can’t get a word in.
-
Goa: Zombies and humans coexist peacefully at shacks, sharing beer and philosophy.
Trump Comments
“You see, India’s doing tremendous — fantastic country, great people, love the curry — but I gotta tell you, their zombies? Weak! In America, our zombies are the best. We’ve got big, strong zombies, very patriotic. I even met some — maybe they voted for me. Nobody knows.” — President Donald J. Trump, speaking at the UN Apocalypse Readiness Summit, 2025
Top Comment Picks
Final Thought
Perhaps survival isn’t about escaping the undead, but adapting to the already unalive routine of modern life — scrolling doom, swallowing inflation, surviving WhatsApp misinformation, and drinking tea as the world ends, politely.
Because let’s be honest — in India, apocalypse or not, the chai will always come first.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
-
“AI Babas & Digital Gurus: When God Gets a Firmware Update”
-
“Is Climate Change Just Earth’s Way of Hitting Ctrl+Alt+Delete?”
Comments
Post a Comment