🕵️♀️☠️😈💦🏴☠️ Headline IRAN: THE BIGGER SATAN DROWNS IN A POOL? - Rafsanjani’s ‘Natural Death’ Story Sprouts More Chlorine Than Logic! ...
🗞️THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Suspicious Steam Rising From Tehran’s Pools
Iran’s ex-President dies swimming, but his daughter says — it wasn’t a stroke of fate, it was a stroke of power.
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky — not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... then we reserve the right to shout WTF in 4D surround sound.
“He Swam, He Sank, He Spoke Too Much” — The Death That Refuses to Stay Silent
In Tehran, where tea leaves are analyzed like CIA reports and even shadows require permission to fall, Rafsanjani’s death was too convenient, too poetic, and too damp to be true.
His daughter, Faezeh Hashemi Rafsanjani, now claims flat out:
“They killed him because he spoke too much.”
And if you’ve ever followed Iranian politics, that’s about as subtle as saying “he accidentally fell on a thousand swords during a blackout.”
The Pool of Political Purification
Here’s what makes this entire “death by chlorination” story smell like three-day-old diplomacy:
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No CCTV footage from the pool. (Apparently, the Islamic Republic suddenly discovered the concept of privacy.)
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No autopsy. (Apparently, questioning divine will is haram and inconvenient.)
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No hospital footage. (Cameras stopped working — like democracy.)
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His diaries and will vanished. (Possibly “evaporated” — according to revolutionary humidity experts.)
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Buried in haste. (Because even martyrs wait longer than critics.)
Rafsanjani: The Man Who Built the Throne… and Got Shoved Off It
“Bigger Satan” — The Ayatollah’s Verbal Sniper Shot
Playing on Rafsanjani’s first name Akbar (meaning “greater” or “big”), Khamenei said:
“Even a reprobate or misled brother could become the Bigger Satan.”
Translation: We’ve already got one Devil in Washington, we don’t need another in Tehran.
And that, dear readers, is how you politically eulogize someone while spiritually assassinating their legacy.
The Family’s Forensic Frustration
Rafsanjani’s daughters have been shouting from rooftops — or at least from private YouTube channels — that something is rotten in the Republic.
Revolution Eats Its Architects
This isn’t the first time an Iranian leader who got too liberal — or too loud — found himself meeting “natural” ends.
The Power Swim Gone Wrong
Trump Comments
TRUMP: “Look, folks, I swim all the time. Nobody swims better than me, maybe the dolphins, but they’re overrated. But this guy? He got assassinated by his own swamp — sad! Iran should’ve built a better pool, maybe with American filters!”
Reporter: “Sir, do you mean filtration systems or political systems?”
TRUMP: “Both! I’ll sell them both on TruthSocial Crypto! Great deal! Call it AyatollahCoin!”
Top Comment Picks (From the WTF Comment Section)
@TehranTroll42:
“Heart attack? More like Regime Rejection Syndrome.”
@MullahMemeMaster:
“They buried him so fast, even his ghost didn’t get a press pass.”
@CryptoAyatollah:
“Coming soon: Rafsanjani NFT — one of one, verified martyr edition.”
Final Thought
History will remember him not as a saint or sinner — but as a builder turned warning sign.
Next Week on THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
“Ayatollahs & Algorithms: How Iran’s Morality Police Accidentally Invented a Dating App.”
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times! Because when leaders say “divine justice,” the aftermath usually smells like chlorine and irony.
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