💰TARIFF TANTRUM 2.0: TRUMP STRIKES BACK...
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Weaponized Wheat, Sanctioned Spices, and Screaming Supply Chains
The World Caves, Trump Shaves… a Few Billion Off Every Economy Not Named America
👁️🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless Modi tweets it with a folded hands emoji and “Jai Shree Ram.”
Donald J. Trump's new foreign policy can be summarized in one word: “Tariffs”
Don’t like it? That’s another tariff.
In just six months, Trump has managed to:
Cripple the EU with a fossil fuel deal signed under duress.
Humiliate Canada into removing its Big Tech tax… and then still taxed their maple syrup.
Turn Southeast Asia into a trade hostage zone.
Upset Brazil, the Philippines, Indonesia, and his own economic advisors — all in one week.
But the real curry hit the fan when Trump turned his golden gaze toward India.
Trump’s second term isn’t a presidency. It’s an economic WWE match where every country gets body-slammed in alphabetical order. India just tagged in—and got hit with a 300% tariff on turmeric and spiritual ambiguity.
Cripple the EU with a fossil fuel deal signed under duress.
Humiliate Canada into removing its Big Tech tax… and then still taxed their maple syrup.
Turn Southeast Asia into a trade hostage zone.
Upset Brazil, the Philippines, Indonesia, and his own economic advisors — all in one week.
THE AHMEDABAD AMNESIA: MODI’S REGRET MANTRA
OPERATION NO-MASTE: Back in 2020, Modi welcomed Trump to Ahmedabad at the “Namaste Trump” event with 100,000 screaming fans, peacocks, and 8 kg of garlands—an Olympic-grade spectacle of cultural diplomacy, mango pulp, and barely coherent bromance, . But five years later, Trump rewarded the gesture with what’s now referred to in Indian media as "Operation No-Maste.”
In 2025, Trump returned the favor with:
A trade war,
Passive-aggressive tweets,
And a McDonald’s Happy Meal renamed “Tandoori Freedom Combo.”
A trade war,
Passive-aggressive tweets,
And a McDonald’s Happy Meal renamed “Tandoori Freedom Combo.”
The Indian government, caught between a billion-strong voter base and saffron-flavored nationalist pride, tried to retaliate… with a sharply worded statement, one rerouted through WhatsApp and lost in a pile of Koo app notifications.
Insiders say Modi muttered, "Yeh sab toh Congress ke time hota toh protest kar dete," while Home Minister Amit Shah reportedly ordered an investigation into whether turmeric was mentioned in the Rig Veda, in hopes of filing a WTO complaint as a “civilizational insult.”
India’s retaliation included:
Threatening to export extra loud Bollywood musicals to the US.
Blocking Mar-a-Lago from yoga retreat listings.
Sending Kangana Ranaut to the UN General Assembly—uninvited, on purpose.
Threatening to export extra loud Bollywood musicals to the US.
Blocking Mar-a-Lago from yoga retreat listings.
Sending Kangana Ranaut to the UN General Assembly—uninvited, on purpose.
MODINOMICS MEETS THE ORANGE ANVIL
The fallout in India:
Textile exports: Down 47% after Trump declared Indian cotton “too soft for American resolve.”
Ayurvedic Startups: Collapsed after FDA classified ashwagandha as “a probable Marxist herb.”
Adani: Tried to rebrand coal as “Freedom Charcoal.” Tariffed anyway.
Swiggy: Briefly added “Export to America” option. Canceled after Biden accidentally ordered four idlis to Delaware.
The Commerce Ministry scrambled for answers but found only an expired Trump Tower lease agreement in Gurugram and a pile of unread WhatsApp forwards from 2016.
Textile exports: Down 47% after Trump declared Indian cotton “too soft for American resolve.”
Ayurvedic Startups: Collapsed after FDA classified ashwagandha as “a probable Marxist herb.”
Adani: Tried to rebrand coal as “Freedom Charcoal.” Tariffed anyway.
Swiggy: Briefly added “Export to America” option. Canceled after Biden accidentally ordered four idlis to Delaware.
INDIA: FROM STRATEGIC PARTNER TO SPICE DEALER WITH TARIFFS
India thought it was special. After all, Trump and Modi hugged like long-lost yoga instructors in Houston. They shared stadiums, slogans, and synchronized handshakes. Trump once even called Modi "India's Elvis, but with fewer hip thrusts."
India thought it was immune. After all, it gifted Trump stadiums, mango pulp, hugs, and Modi memes. They called it “Namaste Diplomacy.”
Trump called it: "Nice, now give me your turmeric.”
India’s reaction to the tariff bombshell was a cycle of denial:
Phase 1: “This is just fake news by The Washington Post.”
Phase 2: “We are consulting the Rig Veda.”
Phase 3: “Who needs America? We have Russia, Iran, and the International Cow Alliance.”
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260% tariffs on Indian spices, especially turmeric, which he claimed was “spicy woke dust.”
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150% on yoga mats, claiming they pose “a threat to American masculinity.”
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No tariff on cow urine exports, which Trump declared a “natural disinfectant” and potential COVID sequel cure.
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And a flat 500% tax on all Indian IT services, unless tech support starts answering with “Howdy, this is Texas Raj!”
INDIA’S ECONOMY MEETS THE ORANGE HAMMER
The fallout?
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Textile Exports tanked overnight after Trump claimed, “Indian cotton feels un-American.”
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Ayurvedic startups saw mass layoffs when FDA labeled “ashwagandha” as a “possibly communist root.”
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Bollywood stars started tweeting in Mandarin, exploring Chinese co-productions.
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Adani tried selling coal as “Freedom Charcoal,” but even that got taxed at 70%.
To top it off, Trump demanded India stop subsidizing cow dung biogas, saying, “No more brown energy until we’re done with black oil.”
TRUMP COMMENTS (INDIA EDITION)
ON YOGA: “I don’t bend for anyone. Yoga is for losers. I prefer strong posture. Strong American stiffness.”
SPECIAL WTF INDIA EDITION: DESI DILEMMAS
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India’s Tariff Retaliation Plan? So far includes:
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Slapping a 300% export duty on Trump wigs made in Gujarat.
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Blocking Mar-a-Lago from being listed on "Top 10 Yoga Retreats."
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Sending Kangana Ranaut to the UN General Assembly. Permanently.
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BJP’s Spin:“These are not tariffs. These are karma-based economic rebalances. Lord Vishnu foresaw this in Vishnu Purana 3.12.”
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Rahul Gandhi’s Reaction:“We should ask questions.” (Then proceeded to spend 3 hours meditating under a neem tree.)
TOP COMMENT PICKS (INDIA EDITION)
@DesiTradeDoom:
“First the UK left the EU. Now India’s being kicked out of WTO. What’s next, joining BRICS with Pakistan?”
@SpiceGirl42:
“Tariffs on turmeric?! Forget Russia. This is real war.”
@SwadeshiSwiggy:
“Biryani is not a bargaining chip, Mr. Trump. Touch it and we’ll boycott Netflix.”
FINAL THOUGHT
India always wanted to be treated as an equal by America. Now it is—equally exploited, equally tariffed, and equally confused.
Trump doesn’t differentiate between friend or foe, just between who surrenders fast and who still thinks bilateral agreements require consent.
India, like the EU, has discovered that in Trump’s second term, diplomacy is a scam, economics is a hostage negotiation, and “strategic partnership” is a fancy term for “You buy our weapons, or else.”
Maybe next time, India should hug a little less and negotiate a little more.
Trump’s economic policy is simple: You lose, I win, let's golf.
The rest of the world? Floundering.
India? Caught between cow urine diplomacy and chai-fueled denial.
This isn't about fairness, rules, or sovereignty.
It’s about who can yell louder while holding a nuclear briefcase and a KFC drumstick.
India must decide: Keep hugging Trump, or start kicking some sanctions into the chakra.
Because once you surrender to a tariff, it doesn’t stop with turmeric.
NEXT WEEK ON WTF GLOBAL TIMES:
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“Swadeshi Tariffs: Can You Weaponize Cow Dung As A Counter-Sanction?”
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“Why Modi Might Regret Giving Trump So Much Mango Pulp Without Reading the Fine Print”
“Holy Cows & Hurt Egos: How India Plans To Retaliate With Mythological Trade Policy”
“Trump Bans Biryani After Mistaking It for Iranian Weapon System”
“Is Modi Secretly Training for a Trade War Rematch Using Ludo and Lok Sabha Debates?”
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