🎓🐘UCLA vs. Trumpzilla: When Woke Went Broke - The Great Academic Purge of 2025....
🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Canceled Grants & Campus Mayhem
UCLA vs. Trumpzilla
Welcome to Academic Doomsday – Trump Style
It’s official. The University of California, Los Angeles — formerly a world-class research university, now apparently a liberal arts-themed episode of Survivor — has lost a whopping $339.2 million in federal funding. Gone. Vamoosed. Like tenure at a campus DEI office under Trump 2.0.
The Trump administration’s message was clear: "You can protest, chant, and call Israel a 'colonial avocado,' but Uncle Sam ain’t paying for it."
And by “ain’t paying,” we mean cutting off $240 million from the NIH, $81 million from the National Science Foundation, and $18.2 million from the Department of Energy, which was apparently funding both atomic fusion and gender studies in the same building.
“Colleges are supposed to educate, not radicalize!” barked Energy Secretary Kid Rock, probably while standing next to a chalkboard labeled “Men = XY.”
The Woke vs. The Work
UCLA’s research labs, once famous for breakthroughs in cancer therapy, quantum physics, and how to pronounce “x” in Latinx, are now scrambling for cash. According to the Department of Energy, UCLA:
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Violated civil rights with illegal affirmative action.
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Let biological men dominate women’s sports like it was the Gender Olympics.
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Hosted what Trump called a “Terrorist Coachella” in 2024.
The Department of Health and Human Services agreed, noting that the school "failed to promote a research environment free of antisemitism, TikTok influencers, and weird vegan hummus clubs."
The NSF, meanwhile, suspended all grants, stating UCLA “is not in alignment with our current programmatic goals,” which, according to insiders, now includes “Stop Funding Places Where Professors Use the Term 'Lived Experience' Unironically.”
Chancellor Panic Mode: Engage
UCLA Chancellor Julio Frenk — now operating in full DEFCON-Woke mode — issued a formal statement that read like a breakup letter between academia and federal money.
"With this decision, hundreds of grants may be lost, adversely affecting the lives and life-changing work of UCLA researchers,” Frenk said, adding, “We didn’t actually mean it when our Gender Theory department said Hamas was ‘misunderstood performance art.’”
UCLA students, meanwhile, have begun printing degrees on recycled cardboard and selling lab equipment on Craigslist with listings like:
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“Used CRISPR sequencer — still calibrated, includes free Palestine flag.”
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“Half a PhD in Neuroscience — take over my thesis, $400 or best offer.”
Trump Comments (Funny, Because They're Real)
Donald J. Trump, Commander-in-Chief of the Campus Crackdown, was quick to weigh in:
“UCLA? I call it the University of Canceled Logic and Anarchy. Very bad. Very fake academia. We’re defunding the woke!”
“They say they’re oppressed — but they get free lattes, wear $1,200 Patagonia jackets, and take classes called ‘Queer Ecosystems.’ Folks, we’re paying for this. I said: No more!”
“You know what UCLA stands for now? Unbelievable Collection of Leftist Activists. Sad!”
“We want safe campuses for everyone — even Republicans. Even guys named Chad who major in Econ and don’t cry during slam poetry.”
Top Comment Picks from the Internet Hellscape
@ZionistDinosaur420:
“UCLA? More like Hamas State University. Do they offer a minor in hostage diplomacy?”
@BerkeleyDropout4Truth:
“Glad Trump shut it down. My sister went there and came back vegan, non-binary, and in debt.”
@MAGAprofessor:
“Used to teach philosophy. Got canceled for asking ‘What is a woman?’ Now I sell coffee mugs shaped like Ben Shapiro.”
@WokeButBroke:
“I came to UCLA to learn organic chemistry. Ended up in a protest for squid rights. I’m confused.”
Academia Under the Trump Microscope
The UCLA defunding follows a broader Trump-era assault on Ivy Tower tomfoolery. Columbia? Fined $221 million. Harvard? Down nearly $3 billion in funding unless they agree to settle with the Trump administration — or rename the campus “Freedom U.”
Trump’s education czar, Diamond and Silk (acting jointly), have proposed a new curriculum:
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Math 101: Counting Trigger Warnings
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Political Science 202: How Not to Offend Saudi Oil Princes
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Literature 315: Reading Shakespeare Without Crying About Colonialism
Meanwhile, federal grants are now redirected to charter schools, Bible colleges, and Ben Carson’s Sleep Institute.
Final Thought
What began as an ideological protest war has become a full-blown fiscal reckoning for elite universities. In 2025, “Go Bruins” might be replaced by “Go Fund Yourself.”
Trump's America has declared war on the academic industrial complex — and this time, the only safe space is behind a locked grant application.
Next Week on WTF Global Times:
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“Censorship 101: Why TikTok Banned the Bible but Boosted Hamas Fan Fiction”
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“DEI Office Declares War on Merit: Accidentally Promotes a Racist AI”
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“Trump U 2.0? MAGA-Approved Degrees in Patriotism and Plumbing”
WTF Endlines:
Survive weird. Thrive freaky. Stay tuned to The WTF Global Times — where woke goes broke, and satire graduates with honors.
Because when universities major in chaos, Uncle Sam just revoked the scholarship.
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