🐄🥭🔥“FIX INDIA” OR FIX YOURSELF? TRUMP’S TARiff CARNIVAL, LAYERS OF LUTNICK, AND WHY COWS ARE NOW A GEOPOLITICAL ASSET...
🗞️THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES
News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Tariff Tantrums
America Wants Jobs, But Really Just Wants Mangoes, Pharma, and Cheap Yoga Mats
By: Professor Paneer Masala, Senior Analyst of Nonsense Economics & Global Trade Gymnastics
👁️🗨️This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless, of course, the Ayatollahs start tweeting tariff schedules in emojis.
The Scene: Lutnick Lectures India, Again
America’s Commerce Secretary strutted into an interview, armed with the standard-issue Trumpian script: “India is broken, Brazil is broken, Switzerland is broken. We will fix them all, like I fix a cheeseburger—extra tariffs, extra ketchup.”
But never mind reality. Washington’s favorite pastime is playing Blame Bingo—where every decade, a new country gets the “You stole our jobs” sticker. (Mexico in the 90s, China in the 2000s, now India in 2025.)
What America Really Wants: Farm Dumping, Pharma Profits, and Yoga Merch
Strip away the rhetoric, and Washington’s wishlist is clear:
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Sell GM soybeans and hormone-loaded beef to India (a country where half the population literally worships cows).
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Jack up prices of branded pharmaceuticals (because nothing says “freedom” like paying $500 for aspirin).
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Sneak in yoga-branded LuluLemon mats made in Tennessee and call it “reciprocity.”
It’s not about jobs. It’s about farm exports, patents, and corn subsidies disguised as diplomacy.
Tariff Wars, Season 2: Trump Strikes Back
Remember Season 1? Trump yanked India’s GSP trade perks, slapped steel and aluminum with “freedom taxes,” then casually slapped 50% tariffs on Indian exports while claiming he was helping “American workers.”
Season 2 is spicier:
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100% tariff on Indian pharma.
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25% penalty for buying Russian oil.
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50% tariffs on everything else because—well—politics.
At this point, India exports software engineers, rice, and WhatsApp forwards. If tariffs keep rising, expect a 75% duty on chai memes.
Doha Drama Meets Delhi Dosa
While Israel blows up half of Gaza, Washington’s trade bureaucrats are obsessed with mango imports. Because why worry about nuclear war when Alphonso mangoes are still stuck at JFK customs?
India’s diplomats, meanwhile, calmly sip masala chai in Washington, reminding everyone that Bharat “will always maintain its freedom of choice.”
Translation: “We’ll buy oil from Russia, software from ourselves, and mangoes from God. Try stopping us.”
Trump Comments
“Look, nobody does deals better than me. India? They love me. I gave them tariffs, the biggest, most beautiful tariffs. They send us curry, we send them corn—perfect deal. Howard Lutnick, great guy, maybe a little boring, but he’s telling the truth. India has to play ball. And trust me, I always win at cricket, tremendous swing, everyone says so.”
Top Comment Picks
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Random Indian Uncle on WhatsApp: “Beta, don’t trust Trump. He still owes Modi a box of mangoes from 2019.”
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US Soybean Lobbyist: “Forget jobs. Just buy the beans, please. Farmers are crying.”
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Chinese Trade Official (lurking): “Keep fighting, friends. We’ll take the contracts.”
Final Thought
Tariffs are not strategy. They are temper tantrums wrapped in paperwork. Washington accuses India of stealing jobs while secretly begging to sell chicken legs and Big Pharma pills.
India, meanwhile, smiles politely, raises tariffs of its own, and keeps coding the apps that run half of America’s smartphones.
This isn’t about fixing India. It’s about fixing America’s mirror.
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