THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

  🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: God-Level Confusion &  Declassified Mayhem THE OMNISCIENT WHO DIDN’T KNOW :  GOD MISSES SNAKE. HUMANITY PAYS FOREVER. Inside the Leaked Files of God’s First Intelligence Failure -  When Omniscience Meets a Talking Snake and Forgetful Security Protocols By: Prof. Dusty Scrolls ( Senior Analyst, Eden Oversight Committee and  Religion Desk, on probation for eating forbidden fruit snacks) & Sister Susie Satire ( Chief Auditor, Department of Divine Disasters and  Chief WTF Investigator, Garden of Eden Beat) 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it… then it’s trending. The Divine Blind Spot: How Did Yahweh Miss the Serpent? The Genesis story is sold to us as the blueprint of cosmic perfection — until you notice the world’s first cybersecurity breach involved a talking reptile slipping past the ...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Mayhem: 100% Technocrats, hostages, and coalition tantrums: Why Israel’s war is now stuck between a UN speech, a Mar-a-Lago handshake, and a 21-point PowerPoint By: Professor WTFstein, Senior Analyst of Plans That Don’t Survive First Contact with Reality 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it, in which case, all bets are off. Curtain Rises: UN Theatre, Oval Office Negotiations On Friday, Netanyahu stood at the UN, marble walls behind him, props in hand, and declared he would “finish the job.” Three days later, he was in the Oval Office, listening to Trump pitch a 21-point “peace plan” that looked suspiciously like Gaza’s disengagement strategy with a Trumpian spray tan. The UN was theater, all applause lines and dramatic metaphors. Washington, though, was where the bill came due: Trump wanted more than applause; he wanted a deal. T...

  🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Tariff Tantrums America Wants Jobs, But Really Just Wants Mangoes, Pharma, and Cheap Yoga Mats By: Professor Paneer Masala, Senior Analyst of Nonsense Economics & Global Trade Gymnastics 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless, of course, the Ayatollahs start tweeting tariff schedules in emojis. The Scene: Lutnick Lectures India, Again America’s Commerce Secretary strutted into an interview, armed with the standard-issue Trumpian script: “India is broken, Brazil is broken, Switzerland is broken. We will fix them all, like I fix a cheeseburger—extra tariffs, extra ketchup.” The claim? India hollowed out American jobs. The reality? China ate the jobs buffet years ago, while India mostly sent IT workers to install Windows updates and fix your Wi-Fi password. But never mind reality. Washington’s favorite pastime is playing Blame Bingo —where ev...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: Sacred Capitalism on Steroids GOD WANTS YOU RICH — AND HE’S BILLING YOU FOR THE BLESSING! How Evangelical and Pentecostal Churches Built a Billion-Dollar Empire on Prayer, Prosperity, and Pay-Per-Miracle By: Pastor Profitus Maximus (Chief Auditor of Divine Accounts) Sister Cashmere of Bangalore (Field Correspondent, Prosperity Gospel Watch) Bishop Barnabas "The Bottom Line" Tithe III, D.D. (Doctor of Divine Accounting) Reverend Profitus Maximus, M.Div./MBA (Minister of Finance & Chief Revenue Officer, HolyFire™) Dr. Simony Sarcasm, J.D./Ph.D. in Ecclesiastical Exploitation (Harvard Divinity School via Zoom from a Monaco yacht) Dr. Scriptura Economica, Analyst of Sacred Budgets and Religious Market Bubbles Pastor Prudence Ledger, Director of Faith-Based Finance Watch Bishop Barnabas "The Bottom Line" Tithe III, D.D. (Doctor of Divine Accounting) 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird,...