THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% International Despair When Genocide Goes Live and the Wi-Fi Still Works By:  Dr. Pradeep JNA (Chief Global Mayhem Analyst) With Additional Reporting From: “Intern Whose VPN Keeps Crashing” 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky. Not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it — then all bets are off. THE WORLD’S LONGEST BLIND SPOT Darfur’s burning — again — and the world is scrolling — again. Somewhere between Taylor Swift’s next album drop and Trump’s crypto token launch, 1,500 human beings were reportedly massacred in el-Fasher , Sudan, in what the Sudan Doctors Network called “a true genocide.” It’s the kind of headline that barely makes it past the algorithm before being buried under Halloween memes. Because let’s be honest — war crimes without Wi-Fi influencers just don’t trend. The Rapid Support Forces (RSF) — a paramilitary spin-off of the Janjaweed m...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Faith: 404 Not Found How a dying criminal beat the baptism system — and accidentally triggered a 2,000-year theological migraine. By: Reverend Ruckus, Senior Theological Mischief Officer With additional reporting by: Saint Peter’s Bouncer & the Pearly Gate Audit Committee 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky — not as profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it or someone sells indulgences on Etsy. Scene of the Crime: Golgotha, Circa 33 A.D. Three men, three crosses, one very strange afternoon. In the middle — Jesus of Nazareth, crucified under the “King of the Jews” plaque that no PR agency would have approved. To his left and right — two convicted criminals. One hurled insults. The other, mid-asphyxiation, managed a mic-drop moment in salvation history: “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” And just like that — without baptism, confession, or a singl...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Uncomfortable Truth When survivors walk into Iran’s courts, they don’t find justice. They find a replay button. By: Haphazard H. Humanist , Senior Emotional Damage Correspondent Co-byline: April “Tears per Paragraph” Quirk , Trauma Translator-in-Chief 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky — not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting about feminism, in which case... yeah, we’re going full caps. The Court of Repetition — Where Victims Become Witnesses, and Witnesses Become Wreckage Niloufar Hamedi — the journalist who already spent time in Iran’s jails for covering Mahsa Amini’s death — returned from prison not with vengeance, but with truth grenades . Her new exposé in Shargh , titled They Rape You Once; You Die a Thousand Times , rips open the raw wound of Iran’s “justice” system — a place where trauma goes not to heal, but to rehearse. One survivor told Hamedi: ...

🗞️ THE WTF GLOBAL TIMES News: 50% | Satire: 50% | Vibes: 100% Suspicious Steam Rising From Tehran’s Pools Iran’s ex-President dies swimming, but his daughter says — it wasn’t a stroke of fate, it was a stroke of power. By: Haphazard H. Historian , Senior Ayatollah Whisperer & Poolside Forensics Expert Co-byline: April “Don’t Drink the Chlorine” Quirk , Middle East Mood Analyst) 👁️‍🗨️ This Blog uses WTF strictly in the context of: Weird, True & Freaky — not profanity. Unless the Ayatollahs start tweeting it... then we reserve the right to shout WTF in 4D surround sound. “He Swam, He Sank, He Spoke Too Much” — The Death That Refuses to Stay Silent On January 8, 2017, Ayatollah Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani — the man who helped build the Islamic Republic — apparently decided to test Iran’s most controversial waters. And by “waters,” we mean: political patience . Officially, Rafsanjani died of a “heart attack” during a swim at the posh pool of the Expediency Discernment Co...